Curtis Donovan quotes from Misfits

Curtis

I can bring her back. If that's what you want?

Kelly

She's dead. She wouldn't want to be a zombie.

Rudy

Don't. Don't do that.

Simon

This is where I go back. It all has to happen exactly like it happened.

Kelly

What are you talking about?

Simon

It was me. I was the guy in the mask.

Kelly

You're fucking serious?

Curtis

But... but you were there when... when he was there.

Simon

At the start, it was my future self. He died... and I became him. I'm going to need to get some new powers.

So he's got to go back in time, he's got to fall in love with Alisha... then she dies, and they're gonna be stuck doing it over and over again, for all eternity?

Kelly

I think it's dead romantic.

Is it, though?! I mean, what are we supposed to feel; happy or sad?

Curtis

It's a bit of both.

Right.

So... [sobs and laughs simulataneously] I'm not very good with your mixed emotions. I'm just going with happy.

We're never gonna see them again, are we?

What's the matter with you?

You really know how to bring a man down, don't you, eh?

Curtis

So, what do we do now?

Kelly

Keep our heads down, finish community service and live happily ever after.

Yeah, well, I love a happy ending.

Finn

What was that? That didn't sound good.

Rudy

Shit!

Finn

[Jess unlocks and opens freezer door to discover Curtis unresponsive] Okay, so the probation worker keeps a guy locked in a freezer. It's certainly unusual.

Jess

Is he dead?

Finn

He looks dead. If we go now, we can still catch the start of Countdown. [Jess leans to touch his neck and Curtis wakes up, hits Finn in the face, leaps out of freezer and grabs Jess]

Curtis

Who are you?!

Jess

What?!

Curtis

He sent you, didn't he?! Where's the briefcase? Where's the case?!

Jess

I don't know! I don't know anything about any case!

Finn

[Holding nose] You're welcome! This is why you should never get involved. Not so much as a thank you! [Tilts head back]

Rudy

You've let him out! Jesus! You shouldn't have done that!

Jess

What the fuck is going on?

Rudy

[Hand motions in front] Imagine the bloke in the freezer is a giant shit, [Hand motions to his right] and over here we have a great big fan. [Hand motions to his left] Shit, and then [Hand motions to his right] you've got the fan... [Hand motions in front] thbbt!

Rudy

[Hands Finn and Jess drinks] I'm going to level with you. Hmm? So prepare to be shocked, huh? Surprised... and more than a little bit amazed. For I am not, in fact, your probation worker. Pfft!

Jess

Really? No shit? You should think about becoming an actor.

Rudy

I know! I know. I know. Just check this out. The truth is, like you. I am also on community service. It all started yesterday. [Hallway scene with voiceover] There we were, we were all gathered around the vending machine after another arse-numbingly boring day.

Seth

Our mate Seth had just come back from Africa and he had quite a story to tell. so we end up traveling to Uganda. And we're in this village and some kid wanders into a minefield, ends up standing on a mine. If he moves, he's dead. Kelly marches over, does her rocket science thing and defuses the mine.

Curtis

Kelly? She defused a mine?

Rudy

The villagers love her out there, man. They're all singing and dancing... Nachos... or a Twix? Sweet and savoury, it's man's eternal dilemma. So, anyway, I'm just back to get our stuff. Kelly's fucking off her community service. We're going to stay out there and... defuse landmines. She's not coming back.

Rudy

Who?

Seth

Kelly.

Rudy

What?! She's not coming...? When was this decided? Do we not...? I mean, do we get a say in any...? I am shocked and I am reeling. I'm going to get some chocolate because I'm very upset. [Michael bursts in front doors bleeding and limping holding briefcase]

Rudy

Dude? You all right, mate?

Michael

They're all after it. It's my money...

Seth

So this money he's talking about must be in the briefcase.

Curtis

It's got a combination lock.

Rudy

Can we not just get a bloody big hammer and a chisel, bust it open?

Curtis

If you open it without the combination, it activates one of these dye-pack things. It stains the money. It's unusable.

Rudy

Since when did you become such a bloody expert?

Curtis

I watch a lot of heist movies.

Rudy

I can't get into them. There's too many twists and turns. I like a nice, straightforward Western. There must be a key for those handcuffs. [They all frantically search man for key and man groans]

Curtis

Shut up. [They do not find a key]

Rudy

I've got a brilliant idea. Why don't you two go home, hmm? Kick back, just chill out. I'll selflessly stay here. I'm gonna take care of our injured friend. Just call me Nurse Rudy. [Chuckles]

Curtis

He's a big guy. If he needs a crap, it'll take two of us to take him to the toilet. Why don't I stay here and give you a hand?

Rudy

Really? It's cool. I'll just let him shit his pants.

Seth

I was trained by St. John's fuckin' Ambulance so, if anyone's staying, I should stay.

Rudy

Well, that settles it, then. It's a sleepover, isn't it?

Rudy

[Seth is unsettled] Excalibur... stop making me do things... that I don't want to do. Ohh! Goodness me.

Seth

[Shines flashlight at Rudy] Are you knocking one out?

Rudy

No. It's just a quick cheeky one, get me to sleep. I have to feed the monster, man. Tell him.

Curtis

It's a sedative, innit? Just hurry up and finish, man.

Rudy

Fucking...Barbara!

Curtis

[Walks into store room and finds Michael's body with his left hand dismemebered] Where's the briefcase? Which one of you fuckers took the case?!

Seth

I don't know anything about it. How do we know you didn't take the case?

Curtis

'Cause I know what I did and didn't do, and I know I didn't take the case. [Spots Rudy pointing at him and grabs him by shirt] It was you, wasn't it?!

Rudy

So, you think I've crept in here in the middle of the night while you were sleeping and I've cut his hand off with a hacksaw?

Curtis

I think that's exactly what you did.

Rudy

Do you? All right, then, genius. If I took the case, then why am I still here? [Turns head to Curtis] Sorry, what?! What was that?! [Taps Curtis forehead] Not as clever as you think, are you? Smackdown!

Curtis

You're still here because you need the combination to the briefcase, and this guy is the only one who has it!

Rudy

All right, yeah, that's a good point.

Seth

So, whoever did take the case is probably close by waiting for Stumpy to regain consciousness.

Rudy

Also true.

Curtis

We need to search the community centre.

Rudy

Oh, you beat me to it. I was just about to say that.

Curtis

It was Seth. He took the case, didn't he?

Rudy

Why do you say that?

Curtis

I can feel it in my nut sac. You know what he's like. He's sneaky and he's underhand. And he makes cruel jokes about you behind your back. He's all this; [mimics Seth] His cock's like a little fuckin' slug.

Rudy

Did he... Did he say that?

Curtis

Mm-hm.

Rudy

What? Has he seen... Has he seen my cock? Well, what are you saying?

Curtis

I'm saying we should drug his drink and lock him in the freezer until he tells us where the briefcase is. [They clink drink cans in pride over plan]

Finn

[Scene becomes office] So, you were going to drug this guy Seth, but it was Curtis... He was the one in the freezer?

Jess

You seem just as obsessed with the briefcase as the others. This is bullshit.

Rudy

All right, you've... you've got me. Busted. I believe I am what is commonly referred to as an unreliable narrator. Mmm? See, Curtis was right. I did sneak out in the middle of the night white they were dreaming their happy little dreams.

Curtis

[Walking on recreation centre promenade up to Greg] Who are you?

Greg

I'm your new probation worker.

Jess

How do we know you're not just someone impersonating a probation worker?

Greg

Why would someone impersonate a probation worker?

Finn

Cor, I have no idea.

Greg

[Scoffs] I mean, well, I certainly never have and never would, because... well, because I've got too much respect for that badge.

Finn

Is it okay if I leave early? I've got a dog at home. I need to let her out for a shit.

Greg

[Starts laughing with community servers smiling] Have you heard the one about the guy who left his community service early to let his dog out for a shit?

Rudy

No.

Greg

And his probation worker...

Rudy

Go on.

Greg

[His composure becomes stern] He hunted him down... he pinned him to the floor... and he fed him the dog shit with a teaspoon. I'm sure she can wait. You cross me... and I will fuck you like you have never been fucked before. You will feel like you have been fucked by a train. [Mimics sound of steam engine train] I think we'll get along great. And you... I really like you.

Rudy

Huh. Whatever.

Jess

Are probation workers always that fucking creepy?

Curtis

That's definitely new.

Finn

Why did he single me out? Why me?

Rudy

Well, don't sweat it, man. Chances are he'll be dead by the end of week.

Rudy

So the angry, beardy man from the council, he's all like, "When are you going to pay your rent?" And I was all like, "I ain't going to pay it and what are you going to do about it?" Well, quite a bit, as it goes. Cause they've kicked me out of me flat and they've repossessed it.

Jess

So where did you sleep?

Rudy

Oh! So, I ended up wandering the street like the Littlest Hobo. I get talking to this girl, turn on the old Rudy magic, end up going back to hers. When I say hers. Have you ever shagged a homeless girl?

Curtis

No.

Rudy

It's like camping. Honestly, reminded me of being a boy scout. Looking up at the night sky, all the twinkling stars there. While she... Oh, she sat on my face. Where am I going with this? Can I stay at your for an indefinite period of time, rent-free, please?

Curtis

No. [Rudy turns to Jess]

Jess

I'm very tempted. Um... I guess my question is would we get to have regular sex?

Rudy

That could certainly be arranged. [Pause] You're being... get off, you're being sarcastic. You're very hard to read. Dude, you can't have me wandering the streets, man. D'you know what happened to the Littlest Hobo? He got raped. I'm making that up, he didn't get raped. It was a kids' show, can you imagine their little faces?! "Don't rape the Littlest Hobo, he's only got a tiny sphinc..." [Finn comes in locker room] Whoa! What time do you call this?

Finn

I- I had to take me dog to the vet.

Rudy

Did you? Did you now? Sounds like bullshit, and I hate liars. Oh, dude, I'm joking. Who gives a fuck? Jesus Christ. [Laughs sheepishly]

Jess

What's that on your neck?

Finn

Nothing. It's all scratched. It's a scratch. People get scratched all the time. It happens.

Jess

What have you been doing?

Finn

Nothing.

Curtis

Maybe he was trying to hang himself.

Finn

Why would I try and hang myself?

Rudy

Because you are short. [Walking out] Don't do it.

[To Curtis after fighting with Rudy for Ally's model seat] Hi. Is everything all right?

Curtis

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all good. So, um, you're gonna be sculpting me? If that's all right with you?

I'm Ally.

Curtis

Curtis. I'll... I'll take you anywhere you wanna go.

It's my first time doing anything like this. I think I'm supposed to feel your face.

Curtis

Oh! Go for it.

You've got lovely skin.

Rudy

You are bang out of order, mate!

Curtis

Yeah? And how's that?

Rudy

Because you're exploiting her disabilities and y- you are playing your...sick little mind games, trying to get your stinking little fingers into her lovely, creamy knickers.

Curtis

There ain't no law against shagging beautiful blind girls.

Rudy

There is, there is a law! Dude, there's a law, it's called Rudy's Law. D'you know what it says?

Curtis

No.

Rudy

It says.... oh, now, now... settle it like gentlemen.

Curtis

And how's that?

Rudy

A game of Penis, Scissors, Twat.

Finn

Is that like Paper, Scissors, Stone?

Rudy

N... They stole that from me. The question is, are you a man or are you a vagina? [Curtis stares in disbelief] Well, I think we have our answer there. You, sir, are a vagina.

Jess

Can you please stop saying "vagina"?

Rudy

Yes.

Finn

What d'you call yours? [Silence] Forget I asked.

Curtis

All right, let's do this. Best out of three.

One, two, three. [Curtis does scissors]

Rudy

[Covers Curtis's hand with both hands] That's the vagina, swallowing your scissors!

Jess

[Alex walks in] Who's he?

Curtis

Alex. He just started working here. Come on.

One, two...

Jess

He is fucking gorgeous.

Rudy

Whoa! Please! It's just, I find your objectification of men more than a little offensive. Yeah, and secondly, I thought we really had a bit of a "will they, won't they, yeah, they probably will sort of thing going on. I'm just...

Jess

Are... Are you actually mentally ill?

Rudy

I could be, if... Is that your thing?

Jess

You need help. I need a piss.

Rudy

Dirty bastard, off home for... [does hand motions with putting up v-sign] to be continued.

Curtis

Whatever.

Curtis

He shits in a bucket?

Rudy

Yeah, well, more to the point, what if it isn't his shit?

Jess

Whose shit was it?

Rudy

Right, well, he's got this door, keeps it locked. Keep hearing all this talking through it. Where the fuck's this dog he keeps going on about? I just think he's got some sort of...

Greg

[Approaches] We need to change things up. Ally's asked for a different model.

Curtis

What? Why does she want a different model?

Greg

Are you questioning me? You don't get to question me, because as far as you're concerned, I am God. And you know what happens when you fuck with God. There is an almighty shitstorm. Now, swap with this bell-end, if you think you can manage it.

Rudy

[Chuckles] D'you wanna know why she wanted to swap? Because even though she's blind, she can still see my inner beauty.