LLaura (their manager)
Right. Is there anything I need to know?
NathanI'm getting really close to blowing my load, just hovering in the pleasure zone. And then BAM! All hell breaks lose. I tripled myself.
I'm not familiar with that term.
Nathan
You know, tripling. It's when you cum, puke and shit yourself all at the same time.
Nathan
Three bodily functions. Doing the triple. [Curtis sighs] You're telling me that's never happened to you?
Nathan
Anyway, I lied about my name, so she probably doesn't even remember me.
I don't think she's ever forgetting you.
Nathan
Technically, it was a gorilla.
I wanted you to meet my other clients and also some potential sponsors. Just relax and enjoy yourself. I should mingle.
Nathan
Sorry, sorry, it just went down the wrong way.
[To Laura oblivious to him] Hi. [To community servers] Good to see you.
Oh, you're that milk guy, innit?
It's not just milk. It's all dairy products.
Nathan
You're here to make the coffees, then?
I'm done making other people coffee. People make my coffee now.
So, what's the point in having your power?
Nathan
Were you one of those fat kids who had milk seeping out of his man-boobs during puberty?
Nathan
We had a kid like that at our school. We used to milk him every lunch time.
I wasn't one of those kids. [Nathan walks behind Brian and massages his breast] Get off me! What are you doing?!
Nathan
I'm milking you!
Nathan
This reminds me of school. That was some good times.
Nathan
That's what the kid at my school used to say, and he had a nervous breakdown. [Brian walks away]
[Walks up to him] Nathan. How do you feel about blowing your brains out live on national television tomorrow night?
Nathan
Um... Yeah, I'm definitely up for that. Another, please.
[Sits at bar next to Nikki] Hi.
Be nice to (Curtis), yeah?
Nathan
...Just me and a gun...
I'm not promising anything, but I'll definitely try.
Why not? They're planning to film it at the community centre.
Nathan
Right. So, it's like a whole "going back to my roots" kind of vibe?
[Fans calling and thronging Daisy]
That's Daisy. More and more people with powers are coming forward.
She can heal people, any illness, any disease. She plans to cure the world. She's like a pretty, modern-day Mother Teresa with a superpower. She is going to make a fortune.
Nathan
[To Simon] Oh, Jesus, no! There's puss seeping out of my cock! One of those three girls, or the girl I shagged in the toilets at the club, one of them had poor personal hygiene! This is a catastrophe of tsunami-like proportions! No girl in her right mind's going to have sex with that.
You should ask that Daisy girl to cure you.
Nathan
Right. She wants to cure the world, she can start with my cock.
DDaisy
It's Nathan, right?
Nathan
Yeah, I just wanted to swing by, you know, say hi, as one superhero to another.
DDaisy
That's really sweet of you.
Nathan
So, how mad is all this?
Nathan
And look at you, with your wonderful, amazing power. I saw what you did with that guy in the wheelchair. That's like curing two normal people. Double points. And so... I was wondering... if you could maybe help me out with a small, personal affliction of my own.
DDaisy
Of course. What is it?
Nathan
Well... I appear to have contracted a sexually transmitted disease of some kind. I honestly don't know how I got it.
DDaisy
I'm sorry. I don't do sexually transmitted diseases.
Nathan
No?
DDaisy
Because of the rubbing. Go to the doctors. They'll give you some antibiotics.
Nathan
How long will that take to work? See, out there, there are a load of drunken girls just staggering around, waiting to be shagged. Do you really want to disappoint them?
DDaisy
I'm sorry. I'm just not prepared to spend my life rubbing other people's genitalia.
Nathan
Oh, come on. Just give it a quick rub. It's lovely and clean. It's pine-forest fresh.
DDaisy
I'm not going to rub your cock!
Nathan
Where's your humanity?
DDaisy
It's not going to happen. Okay?
Nathan
That's fair enough. I suppose I only have myself and that dirty bitch I had sex with to blame. [Referring to trophy] What's that?
DDaisy
That's my Mother Teresa Young Humanitarian of the Year Award. It's for the charity work I did in India.
Nathan
Good for you, and good for Mumma Teresa. God rest her beautiful soul. I think I'm going to win that next year myself.
Nathan
[Over the accidental death of Daisy] It was an accident! She was rubbing my cock! She started foaming at the mouth and then she tripped and impaled herself on her Mother Teresa Young Humanitarian of the Year Award. I know it sounds unlikely... but there it is.
The police are going to want to interview you again, but they seem to be satisfied that Daisy's death was an accident.
Nathan
[Throws up hands and breathes sigh of relief] Oh! Oh! [Collapses in chair] Thank you! I just want to say... it's a tragedy. And no-one is more upset about this than me. But what's done is done. I think we should all move on, huh? Stronger, fitter, wiser. [Pulls out bra from underneath him]
This could only happen to you.
She was going to cure the world.
Nathan
There's only so many times I can say I'm sorry! And if you're so cut up about it, why don't you... [makes inhales sharply while making rapid hand movements] and fix this entire situation?
You know it doesn't work like that!
Nathan
I'm getting pretty sick of hearing that!
[Kicks Nathan's chair] Prick!
You fuck up like this again, and I will finish you.
Nathan
I'll try not to.
Nathan
[Sits at bar] So being Santa sucks a big fat cock. Two pints of lager please, barmaid.
Are you going to pay for them?
Nathan
No.
Oh, come on! I've been working for the council, scraping up dog shit.
Nathan
That's thirsty work. [To Simon] So how did it all go so right for you? You end up with a cool flat and a beautiful girlfriend?
I think it's dead romantic, I do.
Nathan
I think I liked it better when you suffered from a crippling shyness.
[Lunges forward] No way! No more free drink! [Nathan grabs pint and downs it in one gulp] You're such a prick. [To Alisha] You're going to get us both sacked!
Nathan
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life working in some shitty bar?
Nathan
Then I'm doing you a favour! [Holds up glass] Refill!
[Enters bar] This is fucking ridiculous! I had to walk all the way back from the other side of the estate.
[To Curtis] Have you got my knickers? [Nathan attempts to peer upskirt] Want a look?!
Nathan
I wouldn't mind. After all, it is nearly Christmas.
Nathan
[Walking in recreation centre hallway with pregnant Marnie fiddling with a cigarette] I really wouldn't do that if I were you. That's how babies get turned into dwarfs.
Nathan
Me too. Who are you?
Nathan
And this baby of yours, who's the dad?
I'll know when it comes out. Depends if it's white or black or Chinese or...French.
Nathan
Those brown babies are very cute. And I like a Chinese baby as much as the next man.
Me too. Whoever the dad is, he's not around.
Nathan
So you're all alone in the world, apart from the living organism growing inside you?
Nathan
We should probably go for a drink. Swap some funny stories. See if we have similar tastes and interests.
Overcome some emotional hurdles.
Nathan
And have a few huge rows.
"What did you do, you stupid prick?!"
Nathan
"I'm sorry, baby, I didn't know we were exclusive and she had massive tits! It'll never happen again!"
We'll make up and before you know what's happened, I've trapped you in a serious relationship.
Nathan
That would be the conventional way to do it.
There's just one problem; I can't drink.
Nathan
So... I guess we should skip all that other stuff and get straight down to the shagging. [They vigorously make love]
[To Nathan upon meeting Marnie] Who's she? [Sitting in recreation centre atrium] He took her power.
Nathan
So, how much did she get for it?
Nothing. She wanted to get rid of it. She can touch people. I can touch her. We had sex.
Nathan
Ah! So you finally get to sample the goods, and they're... not as advertised? Is she one of those girls with really long pubes, down to her knees?
Nathan
Has she got an extroverted vagina? 'Cause they can fix that in an operation, man!
Nathan
Oh! So, you're after some sex tips from a far more experienced lover! Two words. Fisherman's Friend.
Isn't that a cough sweet?
Nathan
You pop one of those bad boys in your mouth and then you head due south and you pleasure her, orally... and it's the menthol. [Mimics cunnilingus] She's gonna feel like her pussy's on fire.
Nathan
Ah. I always keep some on me, just in case I'm required to perform. [Slaps it in Simon's hand] Go on. That's for you. I think that young lady is going to have a very merry Christmas! I'll tell you something else, man, if the girl's pregnant, it makes the baby kick like a nutter! [Pats Simon on back] See you, man. [Walks away]
[Nathan plops a bundle of cash on her] What's this?
Nathan
That's two grand, for you and the baby. Yeah, it should've been more, but I got really beaten down on the price.
How did you get it? Did you suck off some fat German tourist?
Nathan
No! No, I sold my immortality.
Nathan
It's a long and totally ridiculous story. [Pulls her shirt and kisses her shoulder]
[Preaching to housing estate residents] I am here to help you change your life today, right now, this moment! I know what it's like living on this estate! I know what it's like to feel disappointment, to feel pain to feel angry...
Nathan
[Bumps a woman's shoulder] What's all this?
W1Woman 1
Our Lord, Jesus Christ, has risen again!
Nathan
Right. Good for him. [Walks away]
It's nice he's come back in time for Christmas.
Nathan
Yeah.
...and I promise you, I will change your lives forever, this day, this moment!
MMugger
[Pokes gun into woman's torso demanding her donation bucket] Give us the money. Do it!
I know what it's like to... [notices mugger] did no one ever tell you that stealing is a sin?
MMugger
Yeah? Well, I need to score, [points gun at Elliot] so you're getting robbed.
I don't think so. [Uses power to levitate gun out of man's hand and crowd applauds]
W2Woman 2
It's another miracle!
[Points at mugger] You need to do some serious repenting. If you wish to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, you must give generously, so that we can spread the word of our Lord. Spread. [Crowd puts money in donation bucket]
Nathan
I met this little fella at a party on the estate.
What. And you went with him?
Nathan
Well let's just say I didn't not go with him. Hey, I was very drunk, and he had his cock and balls taped into his arse crack. So from where I was kneeling it looked like a bald little pussy.
That's not going to be possible.
What're you talking about?
What d'yah mean, you don't have it?
I sold it to an old Jewish guy. He said he wanted to rewind time and kill Hitler. You've got to admire his ambition.
You either get him his power back, or I'm going to start kicking you in the balls.
Nathan
Yeah, I've seen her do it. You won't enjoy it one little bit.
Misfits · 556 quotes
