Nathan[Observing Jessica while standing on chair in recreation centre main area with volunteers abuzz with Shaun walking by] Hey, you! Probation worker guy!
Nathan
No. I'm talking to the thousands of other probation workers. Look, who's she?
[Walks up] She's organizing this charity run.
Nathan
Oh, is she?
Oh, don't even think about it. She's not gonna be interested in a little prick like you.
Nathan
How do you know?
'Cause I know women. I know what they like.
Nathan
Is that because you used to be one? [Shaun shoves Nathan to floor, smirks and walks away]
Hey, you're not allowed to do that!
Nathan
It's her.
Nathan
The cute, smiley, popular girl. I think she murdered me.
You said you didn't know who it was.
Nathan
No, it's all coming back to me now. She was here last night and I was in the locker rooms, watching her getting changed.
Nathan
No, I walked in on her. She was right there, bent over, pointing her cute arse at me. What am I supposed to do? Poke my eyes out with a stick? I am telling you. The bitch killed me.
[Across room to Simon] So, what do you think? Are you gonna do the run?
I was never very good at running.
Is that why you got caught?
Nathan
Oh, Jesus. She's after Barry.
Oh, my God. I can't believe I said that. I'm sorry. Er... I make crap jokes when I'm nervous.
Oh, what is wrong with me? I meet a cute guy, and I totally lose my cool. I should just kill myself right now.
[Laughs] Well, I wasn't entirely serious. [Tensely stares at Nathan across room]
No, of... of course not. You were making a joke.
Nathan
[Talks to self] Oh, surprised to see me, huh? Yeah, you killed the wrong guy, you cute, psycho bitch. That's right. I'm on to you.
What do you mean, she killed you?
Nathan
I mean she smashed my head against a sink like this, until my brains dribbled out of my ears.
How do you know?! You don't know anything about her!
Nathan
Come on, man It all adds up. Do the maths.
Nathan
Right. She was here, plus no one else was around; times, she caught me leering at her semi-naked; divided by, all the weird shit that happens to us. Equals guilty!
That means absolutely nothing.
Nathan
Oh, my God! Really? She's a beautiful girl, and she's here in the Community Centre.
Nathan
So, I remember a similar scenario that resulted in me having sex with an 82-year-old woman.
Then there was that shape-shifter girl. She was mental.
Yeah, and look what happened with you and that probation worker.
Nathan
And did you know that some of these marathon runners shit themselves?
So, you think that if a girl likes me, there must be something wrong with her?
That's not what we're saying!
Nathan
Isn't it? I thought that's exactly what we were saying.
Nathan
So, why are you here? It's not like you and him are big pals.
What, and you are? Why are you here?
Nathan
Well, maybe I like him more than I let on.
Yeah, well, maybe I do to.
Nathan
The little bastard gets under your skin, doesn't he?
Nathan
You know what? You were right, man. I was jealous. I'm jealous of your, er..., neat hair and your... the strange staring that the ladies seem to love so much. And I hope that you and, er...
Nathan
Jessica. Lovely, lovely Jessica. I hope you'll be very happy together.
You'll find your own girlfriend.
Nathan
Already got one, mate.
Nathan
Mo... nique... ca. [Clears throat] She's French.
[To Simon dressed as a Lucha libre] You look like a proper superhero. [Takes him away glancing at the community servers]
Nathan
[Referring to Jessica] Nice costume.
Er, she looks like a slut.
Nathan
Yeah. Cute, slutty, murdering psychopath.
[Nathan, Curtis and Simon are urinating in the washroom]
Hey, man. I can't believe this guy has gone public.
Nathan
You'd better believe it. Because he's going to make a fortune. Maybe we should think about doing the same. The early bird catches the massive pay check. [To Curtis] Nice cock, man.
I don't think going public's a good idea.
Nathan
Look, we finish our community service in two days. [Holds up hand] Count them. I don't know about you, but I'm not exactly swamped with lucrative job offers. We need to think about cashing in on our powers. [A shot reveals Shaun on a in a stall listening and Nathan walks up to sink mirror] I mean, I'm immortal. I shouldn't be flipping burgers, I should be eating burgers, massive burgers, the size of my head. Think about it, we could have really cool superhero names. [To himself] Captain Invincible! [looks at Curtis] Mr Backwards!
Nathan
[Turns to Simon] The Invisible Cunt.
Why do I have to be the Invisible Cunt?
Nathan
'Cause you just are, man.
[Approaches in recreation centre hallway] Simon!
What's going on with you and Jessica?
After what happened with her dad, she says she can't see me, so... seeing a girl whose dad tried to kill you, it's never going to work.
You'll meet someone else. Trust me. [Simon opens front door to be greeted by a media circus]
Nathan
Who?
What are you talking about?
There are reporters and TV cameras outside, lots of them.
Nathan
Right. I think I might take a little peek.
Nathan
That is really quite a lot of reporters.
How did they find out about us?
Nathan
What? No, I didn't do anything. I don't think I did. I'm almost certain I didn't. [Shaun appears carrying a box] You! You told them about us!
You sit on your arse doing nothing for six weeks and then you sell us out.
Looks like that, doesn't it? Is that ironic? Never too sure.
You're our probation worker! You're supposed to sort us out!
That's a good point. See you.
Antigua. Hm. So, this is goodbye, so long and fuck off.
Nathan
I'm actually very surprised that it hasn't happened sooner. We haven't really been that careful.
What are they going to do to us?
They'll treat us like freaks. They'll lock us up in a secret military facility and conduct experiments on us.
Nathan
Hey, no one's experimenting on me. I'm not a monkey.
We have to go into hiding. We assume new identities. We break off all connection with our family and friends. We wear disguises and only go out after dark.
I'm not loving the sound of that.
Nathan
Do you expect me never to see my mum again? Who's going to do my washing? Huh? You have not thought this through.
I'm the person who can make it so you don't need to go into hiding. If this is handled right, you're all making some serious money.
Nathan
What are we thinking?
This isn't why we got our powers.
Nathan
No. There is no why, there's only what. What are we going to spend all our money on?
None of us even know what we're doing after we finish. Better than signing on.
Yeah, what about the people we killed?
I guess we should ask her about that.
Nathan
Yeah. I'm not saying we have, but what would happen, hypothetically speaking, if it came to light that we may have killed one or two people? Probation workers and such. No one important.
I would say that these people you may or may not have killed were evil. You were protecting society. You're not murderers. You're heroes. Superheroes. Rich, famous superheroes. And if that doesn't work, we vanish the bodies and pay off the relatives.
Nathan
Good answer.
We should all stick together.
This will change everything.
Nathan
Oh.
[Simon walks up to her and she hands a business card] Call me when you change your mind.
[In locker room] I don't know. Do you trust her?
[Opens door] They're waiting for you. They're calling you the ASBO Five.
I haven't even got an ASBO.
No one cares. Okay, any questions you don't want to answer, just let me handle it.
Nathan
[In mirror] Teeth, good. Hair, beautiful. Cock, in. [Zips up pant fly] Flies, up. [Turns around] Let's go be famous. [Walks on with community servers]
Misfits · 556 quotes
