You're in a tribute band paying tribute to yourself? That's like jacking off to a picture of yourself online!
MurderfaceWhich I've done.
Of course I'm nots paying tributes to myself. In Thunderhorse, I'm Skwisgaar.
Dat's why my pants and shirts keeps disappearing! Dat's fucking weird dudes.
Well we're really good, we plays every Thursday nights.
[pause]
Murderface
Wait a minute...
Thursday night? That's impossible, you have astronaut class on Thursday night.
Murderface
Astronaut class is a lie?! I've been telling everyone that you're gonna be an astronaut! Now you're making me look like an asshole!
Murderface
You do it, I'm not doing it.
I'll do it, I don't care.
Yeah you do it Pickles, go, see...
Murderface
See what happens.
Yeah, see what happens. See what happens.
Murderface
See if you gotta wait for a little...
I have a beer ticket for one beer please.
Murderface
What happened?
[in complete awe] Guys....it's a beer!
You means dat dats things dat he gaves you ams likes littles moneys whats ams onlys for beers?
[enraged] How come Dethklok never got beer tickets before?!
Murderface
Yeah, what the hell?
All right, listen. This is bullshit. All we ever get is all the booze we can ever drink! We never get beer tickets!
Guys, you aren't going to die, you'll be fine-
Stop saying die, use a different word.
Murderface
Use a different phrase like-
Something like, uh, something that's good instead of death, like-
MMuderface
Hamburger Time.
[pause]
Hamburger Time, perfect. Say Hamburger Time.
Use Hamburger Time, alright?
[pause]
Well as long as you guys are all worried about, uh... Hamburger Time, uh, maybe it would help a little bit if you guys all went to the doctor. Got a checkup.
[the band grumbles against this]
Murderface
Look, my uncle had a big huge thing growing on his neck, and fine. Then he goes to the doctor: cancer. Bing Bang Boom! Hair out, Hamburger Time.
I just don't want some guy with no reason to live fuck with my mouth, you know what I mean?
Why can'ts it be a ladies boobs whats cleans your teeth?
[pause, then Murderface and Nathan start chuckling]
Murderface
You know, usually...
Usually you have really bad ideas, but that-
Murderface
That's a billion-dollar idea.
Cleaning your teeth with tits!
All right guys, uh, we just got some test results back from the lab and, uh, Pickles you're not dying.
[drunk and high] Oohh, I'm nat dyiiing?
There's something wrong with your urine, what happened?
Ohh! I switched my pee with Murderface!
Murderface
That's not my pee, I switched with Skwisgaar.
Well it's not me, I switched mines with Nathan's.
Well it's not me, I switched mine with Toki.
I switched my pee with my cat's pee and he's right- [the cat is dead] OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, HE'S DEAD! OH NOOOO! That cat was the bestest friends I ever hads! [faints]
You just missed another spot.
How many times are you going to pass that spot?!
[driving] Where? Which one?
Back there! For God's sake! [Nathan backs up]
I can't see with all these people in here! [another car takes the spot referred to]
Fantastic! [Nathan drives some more around the parking lot]
MMurderface
Ahh, Grandma, he's just trying to drive! Leave him alone and back off!
We don't speak to our grandmothers that way! Take this! [slaps Murderface]
Mom! Don't smack Murderface! [gets slapped] Ow!
[Occupant of Other Car] What the hell? You hit my car!
Hey! I have four mothers telling me how to drive! What's your excuse, asshole?!
I bring some wonderful frankincense.
Murderface
Great. That's what I got him!
How do you like that? We both got him the same thing.
Murderface
Ohhh Lord!
Murderface
No, I mean 'Oh, Lord! Right there!' A miracle has been bestowed upon us this day!
I think he may have bestowed something into his diapers.
The king has truly blessed us.
Murderface
Maybe he can stop blessing us, something's starting to smell bad.
[Murderface and Knubbler are sitting on the couch in a skit]
Looks like another wonderful, but lonely Christmas Eve with just you and me, right old pal?
MMurderface
Yup. Looks like the two of us, again.
[doorbell rings]
Oh I guess you know what that sound means...
MMurderface
Oh, the Christmas goose is finished getting microwaved?
[studio laughter]
Noooo. It means we have some guests!
[door opens and Dethklok's mothers enter the scene very drunk d espite Dethklok locking all the booze away.]
MMurderface
[aggravated] And they've been drinking! Yeah, uh take your time staggering in. Like this ain't live TV or anything.
Yes, who would have thought that Dethklok would have mothers? Ha ha...yes...
[doorbell rings]
MMurderface
I'll get it! Wouldn't it be great if it was more friendly guests?
opens the door to see Nathan Explosion, who punches Murderface in his face]
Why didn't you tell me that this thing was being sponsored by religion? That's not fucking cool dude. [enters]
[Murderface laughs nervously]
Hey watch the F-bombs all right? This...was written, this was written...
[doorbell rings; Dr. Rockso enters]
Oh-k-k-k-k-k-Rockso! Made his way onto the lot with the Christmas party baby!
[enraged] Oh Rockso, you fucking piece of shits! You stole the Christmas presents! I FUCKING KILLS YOU ROCKSO!!!
Out of my way, here it comes! [crashes her Rascal into a big wooden cross, crushing both her and Toki]
AAAAAH!! OW, MY LEG!!! AAAH! TOKI'S LEG!!! [screams and babbles in agony]
Dude, we need a doctor over here!
Dude, we need a fucking doctor over here!
Murderface, I think you grandma's, like, hurt or something, you should help her.
MMurderface
Can't you just let me enjoy this moment?
Hey, Swisgaar, check it out! I'm getting a handj-j-job from your m-m-m-mom!
Moms, nooo! [plays his guitar quickly as a way to cope]
Oh, she's got that Swedish grip, too! Just like you play that guitar. Ohhh, fiddly widdly widdly oooh...
Murderface
What the FUCK?! THAT'S MY GIRL!!
Ah, is someone having a bad Christmas?
Murderface
YOU GET YOUR HANDS OFF HER!
So, uh, I think we should,uh, be a little sensitive towards Skwisgaar, he's going through a lot, you know, uh... He's started searching for his biological father so... maybe we should show a little bit of affection towards him.
Ha ha! That's-that's gays...
Oh man, don't say "showing affection" and expect us to fucking react.
Okay, well guys listen, I mean think about it. Skwisgaar never had a father, alright?
[flashback to the traumatic death of Toki's father under the ice]
[present]
.... [smiles] And I'm totally cools with it!
Guys, I'm saying he never even had-
MMuderface
My father's dead and I'm totally fine!
[flashback to baby Murderface witnessing his father's murder/suicide]
[present]
Murderface
.... I love that my dad's dead.
Look, I got no relationship with my dad, other than I hate him, y'know?
[flashback to teenage Pickles ready to run away, his father looking at him hatefully]
CCalvert
Get out of here, you belong in a garbage can!
[Pickles glares and looks ready to cry]
[present]
Y'know I realized the other day that I don't even know his first name. And I'm proud, I'm proud to know that I don't know that.
All right, I get it, fine, you're all without fathers, all right-
I'm not... [smiles] I fucking love my dad.
[Flashback to Nathan and his father going fishing, racing go-carts, and playing Scrabble, enjoying each others company.]
My dad's fucking awesome.
CComedian
And William Murderface! What's it like spending a day with actual musicians? [Murderface says nothing, while everyone around him laughs] All those years and nothing's rubbed off?
CComedian
Seriously folks, what do you throw a drowning bass player? His amp!
CComedian
And Skwisgaar Skwigelf! You fuck more woman than breast cancer! [more laughs] I'm kidding of course, but back to Murderface. After selling krillions of records, its refreshing to see, that women still won't fuck you! [more laughs, William just looks on] Skinky crack whores who need the money are like, "no thanks."
Murderface
[softly] That's not true.
ECeLadyMates Consultant
Mr. Wartooth, our company is very serious about finding their clients a life-ladymate partner.
CConsultant
Yes. We're confident that our matching system is so solid that we give a 100% guarantee.
Well, that ams some impressive numbers, buts I'm lookings not onlys for a friends but also a companions and the mothers to my childrens.
CConsultant
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No problem.
CConsultant
We can pinpoint your future ladymate partner's fertility to the second.
Murderface
Not to brag, but I can pinpoint my fertility, too. All I need is some lotion and a little DSL-quality internet and some napkins. [Toki looks mortified and the consultant shocked] I'm kidding, of course! Keep going.
I tolds you you could comes in if you didn'ts ruins my meeting.
Murderface
I think I'm enhancing the meeting. [Toki covers his eyes with his hand in embarrassment] Look, sir, I just want to meet like a hundred girls and fuck the bajeesus out of them. So, uh, can we set up an account here or something?
CConsultant
We don't do that here. This is for lifemates.
Murderface
Damn! This is not gonna be easy.
Just waits in the fucking lobby!
Murderface
Sorry! Gaaaah! [to consultant] You better find this guy some pussy because he is really-
WILL YOU FUCKINGS GETS OUT OF HERE?!?!
Hey folks, it's me. Facebones!
All right! Facebones! [another Klokateer shocks him]
I'm here to talk about a very serious issue! Sexual harassment in the workplace! But first, what is sexual harassment? Well, sexual harassment is the act of degrading people, with your sexuality. It takes the power away from the people being harassed, and makes the harasser, more powerful than ever!
Murderface
I got fucking peppersprayed. How-how does that give me power?
Compliments in the workplace can easily become as construtant as flirtation. Now, a short example. In this example, a Klokateer will be equipped with a shocking mechanism, that will help guide him into behaving properly at work!
MKMale Klokateer
Is that a new belt?
FKFemale Klokateer
Yes, it is.
MKMale Klokateer
It looks very good. [gets shocked] AHHH!!!
Saying that your belt looks good can be taken as a sexual offense. Let's try that again!
MKMale Klokateer
Is that a new belt?
MKMale Klokateer
That is good information to have. [red light goes off with an alarm]
Saying something like, "that is good information to have" could be kind of creepy. And they could think that he's compiling information for a parking lot attack, or a home invasion. And thaaat's harassment!
MKMale Klokateer
AHHHHHHHH, FUUUUCK!
Cursing in the workplace can also make people feel awkward. Now let's try that again.
MKMale Klokateer
Is that a new belt?
FKFemale Klokateer
Yes, it is.
MKMale Klokateer
[gets shocked right away] AHHHHHHH!
Best to avoid all those compliments and continue working! Now let's watch that again without all those confusing compliments!
Well done! But what if our klokateer didn't want to make any complimants, but instead, a fun joke?
VVoice
NO JOKING IN THE WORKPLACE! NO JOKING IN THE WORKPLACE!
Humor is hurtful and can ruin lives. We're almost done folks. We're rounding the corner to finish our sexual harassment fun marathon! And also practical information! Do not linger around in restrooms. Keep your office door open so the people can see that you're clearly not jacking off in there. If you get a boner during work, best excuse yourself and go home! Here's a list of t hings to remember to avoid being caught in a tricky sexual harassment lawsuit. HERE WE GO! [speaking fast] Err on the side of caution do not tell people they look good do not compare people to each other dress conservatively do not make fun of people resist the urge to be friendly this could be taken as flirting if you do happen to accidentally flirt do not make up for it by being overly friendly this could be taken as an aggressive attack.
Murderface
[annoyed] WILL THIS THING NEVER END?!?!
Murderface
Congratulations, you can now call your parents and safely say you are now Murdertooth recording artists, Get Thee Hence!
GTGet Thee Hence Band
Yeaaah! [start celebrating]
LSLead Singer
So where's our advance, son?
Murderface
Uhh I'm sorry I don't even know what you're talking about.
BPBass Player
Where's our fucking advance, you heard us.
Murderface
Oh oh oh the advance! Oh you mean advance money!
LSLead singer
Wait wait wait. Hold up hold up hold up. Are you sure you're even a fucking label?
Murderface
[shoves Toki away] Toki shut up! We're the fucking real deal, bros. But look. Shouldn't we get a contract in place or something?
DDJ
You guys hear that fucking back peddling bullshit fucking suits.
Murderface
What? No, man! We're not suits! We're your bros. Toki, get my checkbook. [gets checkbook] Sooo, what uhh like five thousand?
BPBass Player
What do I look like, a fucking hooker?
Murderface
Fifteen.
LSLead Singer
Keep coming.
Murderface
Thirty.
Murderface
[growing nervous] Forty, fifty, sixty, seventy, eighty, ninety, hundred, hundred-ten [faster] hundred-twenty, hundred thirty, hundred forty-hundred fifty, hundred sixty, hundred seventy, hundred eighty, hundred ninety, two hundred! Two-ten, two-twenty, two-thirty, two-forty, two-fifty, two-sixty, two-seventy, two-eighty, two-ninety, three hundred! Five...hundred thousand dollars! And that is my final offer-five-ten. Five-twenty? Five-thirty, five-forty, six hundred? Seven hundred. Eight hundred. Nine hundred...a million.
Metalocalypse · 448 quotes
