Uh, but back to this rehab business, uh, it's a recap, it's costing us a lot, uh, and the local authorities want a scape goat.
So we offered them you. 'Cause you were drinking a lot!
What are you talking about?! It was a technical malfunction!
Denial! Huh, yeah. Denial.
The hoverdrums, the drumsticks-
MurderfaceDenial!
Right there, [holds up a textbook entitled "Denial"] says in the book.
Look, Pickles, to put it bluntly, you can't handle your booze.
Murderface
Can't handle your booze, Pickles!
You can't handle your booze, and WE CAN! [shows various photos of Dethklok members, not including Pickles, intoxicated and causing chaos] Flying hoverdrums all across Mozambique, who does that? Really.
Uh huh. Yeah, excuses, excuses.
[pause] I hate you all. I really do.
[slams his beer bottle down] TRY TO CALM DOWN, PICKLES! THAT'S THE BOOZE TALKING!!
What am I supposed to do without booze? It's my whole life.
You could try eating an apple. You can always eat an apple...instead of drinking.
You cans try, instead of doings drugs, jackings off while yous chokes yourselfs with a leather belts around your throats, close to the points of death.
Yeah, that's a natural high.
Murderface
Yeah, that's good clean fun. I do it every morning.
Okay, guys. I really, really don't want to promote auto-erotic asphyxiation, okay?
Murderface
God! Live a little bit, Grandma!
I'm trying... it's an embarrassing death. You always have to color it differently in the media.
Murderface
I think it's an awesome death.
Yeah, it's better than blowing up in the space shuttle.
Now an unfortunate scheduling conflict has come because of all this, you have a show to perform, but Pickles will be in rehab.
So we can't play with a drummer? You know that will take a lot of rhythmic elements out of the song, I mean, don't you think?
Well I think I figured something out. You can't play with Pickles, but you can play with a machine. You can play with a drum machine. [a machine is shown in the darkness, playing a Metal beat; the band members look at it in awe]
[flabbergasted] Whoa, looks at that! Ohhhh.
Whoa, that's pretty fucking cool.
Murderface
Oh my gosh, that's bad-ass!
Well good then. In the meantime, you'll have to watch this instructional video in order to operate it.
Hey pals, it's me! Faaaacebooooones!
[drinking a beer] Hey look! Facebones!
And let me introduce you to your newest robot pal and band member, X2P1158! He's the coolest high-tech drum machine known to humankind! He can play any style! Including, but not limited to Latin, soul, R&B, rock, adult contemporary, fusion, Latin fusion, and dildo fusion too! And he can outperform any drummer and is capable of performing up to 200 polyrhythms at once! It can also perform the deadly hexi-kicks! Check it out! [a sample of fast double kicks is heard] WOW! And most importantly, they can handle their alcohol! Not like SOME DRUMMERS!
Holy shit! It's the perfect drummer!
We should totally finds one that plays rhythm guitars too.
That woulds be cools! Another robots pals!
CComputer
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
The X2P1158 is equipped with a 10,000 megaton self detonation device! And in rare cases become self aware and cause dangerous harm to humans! If that's the case contact the manufacturer! Not our problem! But that probably won't happen anywhooooo! Thanks for watching and have fun playing with the X2P1158! I'm Facebones! G-g-g-g-g-g....GOODBYE!
Hey, Pickles isn'tgonna care that he's being replaced, is he?
Nah, he'll be fines! He am probably be settlings in real nicely and adjustings in rehabds.
Murderface
Yeah, he's probably living like a fucking king!
Why didn'ts we brings our jackets?
Dudes this is a totally humiliating way to die! Huddled together, like a bunch of homos!
Murderface
[whispering] Pickles...we need to use each others body heat to stay alive. I'm telling you here.
Ugh, just try not to get a boner!
Murderface
YOU try not to get a boner from me!
What the hell happened out there?! You!
Yeah! How did we get left behind?!
Yeah! [punches Skwisgaar]
Murderface
I just wanna get warm! I need more blankets! [struggling]
Look you guys were out there for less than 15 minutes! God knows why you ran into the woods and didn't stay in the gas station!
...Well maybe we don't know, to go inside, when it's cold, alright?!
Now listen, it's in our best interest to satisfy both parties to the best of my ability. For that, I may need a little patience on your- [Dethphone rings; clears throat] Sorry. [silences phone] I may need a little patience as I iron out the-
AAssistant
Sir, it's Dethklok.
Well, tell them "no." I'll have to return their phone call.
AAssistant
They claim it's rather urgent.
Urgent? Very well. [to the U.N. members] I'm very sorry. Uh guys, I'm in a meeting with the United Nations right now.
Toki hit me in the arm and it really hurt!
I'm trying to solve the Israeli-Syrian issue with the U.N. right now and-
Hey! It's Nathan! He hit me too! And he keeps on hitting all of us!
Murderface
Hey! Hey!
Murderface
It's William.
Murderface
I was just standing there, and Toki walks up and slaps me hard, REALLY HARD on the back! And I didn't do ANYTHING to provoke him!
No neithers did any ofs us! And now I gots a fuckings welts all over my arms.
Murderface
AND THE TV NEWS CALLED ME FAT!
Murderface
Y-yes?
I'm really busy right now. In the mean time, try to tell Toki, that you don't appreciate being hit.
YOU TELL HIM! He won't listen to us! We know he won't!
Murderface
No he won't! You have to do it!
Ofdensen If I get home before dinner, I'll talk to him, okay? I just- I can't do it right now, I'm in the-
Murderface
We're watching you on TV! We'll know if you don't!
Uh, my apologies ladies and gentlemen of the United Nations, I uh, have to uh...make a quick phone call. Toki. [clears throat] [phone ringing] Uhh, hello, Toki, uh-
TSToki's Answering Machine
Hi! You've reached the phones of Toki Wartooths. I'm not homes right now, but listens very carefullys to these followings instructions! After you hears a beep, please leaves detaileds message, on whos you are, and whats you likes to talks to Toki Wartooths abo- [beep]
Guys I'm really worried about Nathan. Dating a fan is kind of a no-no.
What abouts a quicks humps with a groupies. What ams wrongs with thats?
Well, Tokis, you cans humps all the groupies you wants but, you know...
But don't make a fan your girlfriend!
Murderface
Why not?!
Because fans are crazy obsessed weirdos, you can't have a real relationship with them! Mark my words! He'll see! It always ends badly! [Nathan enters] What a sad dildoooo...[notices Nathan] Hi.
Listen, all of you. My girl-fan-friend is fucking awesome, okay?! It's a great relationship!
It's not a relationship, it's an ego booster!
She's like totally the most loyal person in the world. She's like a fucking amazing, hot...loyal...Labrador...but with really nice tits.
Murderface
All we're saying is she kinda sounds like a crazy dildo.
Oh my Gods, looks at dis place.
Just what we needs, more homoskektuals fanfictions.
[upon seeing a naked picture of him] Hey looks that ams a really good renderings of my abs!
NINerd in a Wheelchair
Can you guys get out of my way? I wanna...buy a Dethklok comic book.
Murderface
Where did you get a 100 ounce Coca-Cola?
Can I ask you something, did you eat all that garlic crazy bread?
NNerd
[moving on] Yeah...
FPFat Pickles
Nice Nathan outfit!
Thanks. [Pickles gorans] ...Fat Pickles...
Hey fat Pickle, you don't know wheres the Tringles exhibition is, do you?
FSFat Skwisgaar
Oh, I do, it's over there...
Ams thats supposed to be me?
FSFat Skwisgaar
Are you guys smoking? You know that's bad for you...
[clearly annoyed] Thank you for the, uh, heath advice. Come on let's go!
So uh, we're gonna be doing some community outreach to combat the negative press, resulting from your uh, apparent racial insensitivity.
Your apparent racial sensitivity? Do you think that sounds a little racist?
Yeah that sounds a little racist to me.
It's not me they're calling a racist, they're calling you racists.
We're not racists! We don't give a fuck what color our fans are, because we don't give a fuck about our fans! Isn't that right?!
Either way the media thinks your racists.
Hey! Listen! I know we like to joke around a lot about everything, but I love ethnics, I mean I love Mexican...food.
Murderface
Yup.
Murderface
Yup.
Murderface
Watch this. You're about to witness the art of a prank call. [dials phone]
Murderface
[in a high pitched voice] I'm a little old lady and I'd like to come over!
Uhhh, I'ms ins a stupid meetings, buts uh...maybe you cans come over laters. Who is this?
Murderface
We can order pizza!
Oh I loves pizza! How did you gets my number?
Hello? Some nice old lady just hungs up on me! Oh I hope she's okay!
One moment, Toki. Hello, this ams Skwisgaar Skwigelf-uh speakings.
Murderface
[different voice] This is a divorced overweight, African-American lady. Can I come over?
Maybe I cans squeeze you ins?
[holding the record] Guys do you think the red in this album cover is too pink?! This looks like fucking soup! It looks like pink tomato soup! Can we send it back and ask them to make it more blood red?
Nathan, I'm sorry but the albums have already shipped!
Huh, dats ams weirds...uh...
Dis lady calls me and says she's horny and thens shes HANGS UPS ON ME! ... I hope she ams okay...
Okay guys, we got a lot of work today, a lot of stuff to cover so let's-
HEY! SKWISGAAR! Sorry, Charles... Skwisgaar, sorry about that book. [Skwisgaar just looks really depressed giving no response] But look at what I got today guys. [pulls out a defibrillator] It's my defibrillator. I bought it off Sky Mall.
It's uh, you know to shock people, if they have a thing, like a heart attack or if they're sleeping. But I bought it because it's fucking awesome! Murderface, help me work this thing!
Guys I don't think you should be messing around with a defibrillator.
Murderface
God would you butt out, please?! I mean God, don't let this guy abuse you Nathan, he's trying to control you. Just like Skwisgaar did to Toki! No offense Skwisgaar [Skwisgaar is still unresponsive] Now what do you want me to do Nathan?
Uh just stand there, oh and yell "clear!"
Murderface
Oh awesome! Just like the doctors do on TV!
Guys come on, I don't think-
Murderface
CLEAR!!
Dude that's pretty awesome!
Murderface
Oh oh ow, man, LOOKS pretty awesome! Ahh, AWW WHO THE FUCK PEED ON ME?
I think you're the culprit in this particular mystery.
Murderface
How can I pee on myself when I'm right here?
Ugh, okay! I hear you I HEAR YOU! [turns light on] God what time is it?
Can we sleeps with you, Pickle?
Murderface
[in regret] We had too much whipped cream and watched...
Guys, guys, guys what do I keep telling you about eating too much chocolate and watching scary movies?
Murderface
You said to don't do it, but we diiid!
You said that we shouldn't do its, but nows it's too lates.
Murderface
It doesn't matter now...please Pickles...
All right, fine just...[Skwisgaar and Murderface immediately get in Pickles bed]
Murderface
All right!
...just get in the bed, and go to sleep, okay?!
Murderface
[sighs in relief] [whispering] Oh uh, I gotta fart!
Uh oh... [snickering as Murderface farts]
God fucking dammit, go to bed!
[in a comfort chair] Move my feet lower and my head up higher.
I'm eating a piece of pizza, closer to my head.
Murderface
Hey, Nathan, can I talk to you for a minute?
Getting better, getting warmer]
Murderface
...in confidence.
Murderface
FUCK OFF! [klokateer leaves]
Murderface
[in jolly mood] Heh-hey, Nathan, pal! Good 'ole Nathan, aw man, look at those shoulders, Captain of the ship! What's happening man? [pause] Nathan, I want you to look at me. Are you looking at me?
[trying to ignore him] Kind of.
Murderface
[in dramatic mood] I'm gonna tell you a sad tale.
Murderface
Imagine a child, so horrific looking...
Murderface
That he drove his parents to murder-suicide.
Murderface
Well- uh...Imagine a man...with so little self esteem...
Murderface
...that he looks...and acts like me!
Murderface
Well that man is me!
Well glad that we uh...had this little chat. See you later...
Murderface
You're just not getting it. Listen to me-
YOU WANNA BORROW SOME MONEY, JUST SAY IT!!
Murderface
Yes I wanna borrow some money, but-
I'll give you anything just to get you away from me, all right?
Murderface
I won't forget this pal! I'm having some work done down in Tijuana, shhh don't tell the others, it's our secret, you know because it's uh, cost effective-
Metalocalypse · 448 quotes
