Charles Foster Ofdensen quotes from Metalocalypse

Ofdensen

Congratulations 216 you have won...

Ofdensen

...this diamond encrusted... cod-piece.

Ofdensen

Wait... See where he goes.

Hey uh...Nathan. I uh...understand you're experiencing a little bit of uh...girl trouble. [Nathan gives no response] Just wanted to lend you a shoulder to uh...you know to uh...you...you seem like you're okay. For the record I tried. [leaves]

Charles

I've grown quite accustomed to working with Dethklok, and, uh, you'd probably have to kill me to get them away from me. This is good brandy. Really good brandy.

Okay. Off to the recording room. Chop chop. Let's go. To the studio. Let's go. Get up. We gotta record...

Ofdensen

Now, if for some reason, I can't convince one of these two countries to reschedule, we could be the cause of World War III...which will hurt record sales. And that's our bread and butter they're fucking with.

Charles Ofdensen

Okay, so you want to re-re-re-re-record in the ocean, in... I see, no problem...

Nathan Explosion

No, not in the ocean! Inside the ocean.

Ofdensen

Okay.

Nathan

In the heaviest, deepest, most brutal part.

Ofdensen

Alright.

Nathan

The Mariana TREEEEEEEEEENCH!

Ofdensen

Well, let me make some calls.

Ofdensen

Well, the good news is that they're gonna give you more money to record this album. The bad news is that they're going to send a producer down to work with you, so I hope that -

Nathan

NOOOOOOOOOOOO! [throws model globe off the panel in a fury]

Toki

[picks up Dethphone, its spikes poking him in the face] This is heavy. It hurts my face. Boy, I really hates it.

Charles Ofdensen

Well, it's your design. You may have been drunk, but you made a really convincing case to me.

Nathan

All right, you know we get really, really excited about really bad ideas when we drink, and it's your job to talk us out of it.

Ofdensen

Oh, I tried. I tried very hard, but you all threatened to kill me, if you don't remember.

Pickles the Drummer

So? Big deal, those threats aren't new.

Ofdensen

Well, it's official: Finland is being destroyed by a troll that... you summoned.

Skwisgaar

Well, I'm not sorry.

Nathan

Huh, I can't believe we summoned a troll. Why didn't we think of this earlier?

Toki

Oh, high school would've been awesome with a big pal, like him. He could have carried me to school!

Nathan

I know!

The lyrics clearly state: "Go into the water, go into the water. Live there, die there." Well, my clients all tried to breathe water and nearly died because of this "Underwater Album" by your band, Dethklok.

Pickles the Drummer

Why don't you... go breathe underwater?

I suggest that it was your intention to create an album that caused destruction to human life!

William Murderface

Suggest all you want! It won't make your weenie any bigger, you dildo-licker!

This band is a danger to the human race!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf

You's a danger of putting us to asleep. I would'a brought a sleepinsbag if I knows this guys was gonna show up.

Your Honour, we DEMAND 50 million dollars for medical bills and punitive damages.

Toki Wartooth

Hey, how 'bout we compromise...

Nathan Explosion

We'll give you half... of NOTHING!

Charles Ofdensen

The album clearly states "Intended for fish only". I rest my case.

Not guilty!

Charles Ofdensen

Snakes 'N' Barrels' record sales have gone through the roof since the documentary began airing, and there's interest of a reunion tour -

Pickles

Okay.

Ofdensen

Your money's waaaay down there. Behind that door, 'ya see it? Hey, 'ya better hurry up, closing time's in two minutes.

All the way over-

Ofdensen

I'd serpentine if I were you. [Charles closes and locks the door behind them, then makes a phone call] It's show time.

Why should we serpentine? [Eric is headshot] Whoa, serpentine! [Edgar flees down the passage, weaving to avoid bullets from Klokateer snipers]

Nathan

[playing with a laser pointer] My god, these things are amazing. Check it out, I'm an eye doctor.

Charles Ofdensen

Can you please give me the laser pointer? It does not belong to you.

Nathan

Hey, wait your turn.

William Murderface

Hey, point that into my eyes again. Awww, yeaaah, it's awesome!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf

Points the laser beams at my too eye. Awhhh, cool...

Ofdensen

I'm sorry, who is that fat kid?

Nathan

Don't play dumb, you know who that is.

Ofdensen

I have no idea who that is. Who the hell is that?

Pickles

Uh, hello, that's our son.

Murderface

Yeah, we adopted him, for charity?

Ofdensen

I'm sorry, how is that charity?

Nathan

Then we are his foster fathers. What do you mean? That's for charity, right?

Ofdensen

No Nathan, that's not donating money to organizations. That's... that doesn't help our tax situation.

Nathan

Seriously?

Ofdensen

Yeah. Can you give him back?

Nathan

Hey that's a crappy thing to say but no, I don't think we can. We tried.

Ofdensen

Well, let's talk about the big show. You guys are performing at the United Celebrities of the World Foundation with the London Philharmonic, kind of a big deal, London Philharmonic, blah blah.

Ofdensen

The donation will go to pharmaceutical research.

Nathan

What kind of pharmaceugical research? [still playing with the laser pointer]

Ofdensen

Well, I'm not sure. It doesn't say.

Nathan

Have those guys cured anything?

Ofdensen

Uhhh... no. It says here, no, they have not.

Nathan

Ok. Shouldn't they have cured at least one disease?

Ofdensen

Well, it doesn't matter. All you need to know is that if you want to keep your money, you do this show.

Pickles the Drummer

See, that makes more sense to us. Just say that from now on.