KKlokateer
The Queen of Denmark, with her son, Prince Henrey. [Prince Henrey is swathed in various bandages, injured from Murderface's headbutt]
QDQueen of Denmark
This is an original manuscript from Peter Cornolivesonoft, Denmark's most faaamous poet!
Ah, just keep it! [to himself] I'm getting the crappiest gifts! [Prince Henrey hands him a marker] What?! [incredulously] Are you giving me a Sharpie for my birthday?
QQueen
He's asking for your autograph.
[grabs marker from Murderface] Here, let me sign! [pushes hard against the bridge of the nose]
[Dethklok is conducting their annual employee evaluation interviews.]
Okay, so, uhh... number 421. You, ehh... you are part of the sector eighteen, recording studio maintainence clean team. Okay! Uhh... qui... couple questions. How, do, you, value, your, what you contribute, of, to, at the work force? Ehh... second part: which, do you most, can't, the least? Skwisgaar?
You write these questions?
Okay! Well, 421, do you have an answer?
K4Klokateer 421
I am a highly skilled microphone cleaner my masters, and what I most can't the least, would be do not a bad job, but always a good.
Okaaaay... good answer...
Well that's all I got, uh, guys?
No, I got one more question, and answer honestly! [long pause] Are you the guy who's embezzling from us?
[long pause] Okay... I believe you.
BBoy
[on his computer] Aww, cool! Dethklok mp3s! [a message appears on his computer] "You are downloading this album ILLEGALLY! The consequences are GRAVE!" HA HA HA! Yeah right! CLICK! Aww, this is gonna take a while, what should I do in the mean time? Eh, I guess I'll jack off.
KKlokateer
Now! Go! [the Klokateers break into the boy's room and taze him]
BBoy
MOMMY-Y-YY-! [gets put to sleep with a bag]
All right, guys, this is costing us several million dollars to destroy this report. Now, I want you to know that, William. A lot of stuff that you don't know about goes into silencing the media. First off we need to make agreements with all participants to evict information from the record. This of course includes rounding up all participants. And of course if there are any problems, we'll have to deal with them.
AFAngry fan
You can take this waiver and shove it up your ass!
K1Klokateer 1
Let it be noted that the participant is belligerent.
K2Klokateer 2
Noted. Participant slated for mental reprogramming, (Angry fan screams as he is strapped to surgery table) facial reconstructive surgery, (A scalpel is brought to his face) and relocation. (The fan is tossed out a garbage truck into the middle of a desert road with a new face)
CCharles (VO)
Well, you guys don't need to know everything that goes into it. Just know that it's a long, complicated and expensive process.
AFAngry fan
THIS ISN'T MY FACE!!!!
This happens every time you, William, have a media disaster. Which is often.
Fuck Tokis. Christmas trees. This amn't brutal.
Well, you know what? It's growing on me. It's like having a rotting corpse in your house, but the corpse of a tree, you know? It's kind of baddass. It stands and then you humiliate it even further by hanging ornaments all over it, like "Fuck you."
Y'know, when you say it like that it makes sense, but still... it-it still sucks, y'know?
KKlokateer
Shall I burn it, my lords?
No, leave it. Just throw some rotting meat on it and pour some pig's blood on it or whatever, you know. It'll be bearable, I guess.
[Skwisgaar is in his bed with two young and one old lady. A Klokateer enters]
KKlokateer
I'm sorry my lord, but none of the DNA tests match.
KKlokateer
All those thousands of men managed to ejaculate into your mother without being your father. He must still be out there, but he hasn't come forward. All those men... All that ejaculate-
[grossed out] Yes, thank you, I understands! Just... please leaves me be.
OOld Lady
Hey, what about us? When will we be satisfied?
I never thought I would say this, but... I'm nots in the mood.
Hey folks, it's me. Facebones!
KKlokateer
All right! Facebones! [another Klokateer shocks him]
I'm here to talk about a very serious issue! Sexual harassment in the workplace! But first, what is sexual harassment? Well, sexual harassment is the act of degrading people, with your sexuality. It takes the power away from the people being harassed, and makes the harasser, more powerful than ever!
I got fucking peppersprayed. How-how does that give me power?
Compliments in the workplace can easily become as construtant as flirtation. Now, a short example. In this example, a Klokateer will be equipped with a shocking mechanism, that will help guide him into behaving properly at work!
MKMale Klokateer
Is that a new belt?
FKFemale Klokateer
Yes, it is.
MKMale Klokateer
It looks very good. [gets shocked] AHHH!!!
Saying that your belt looks good can be taken as a sexual offense. Let's try that again!
MKMale Klokateer
Is that a new belt?
MKMale Klokateer
That is good information to have. [red light goes off with an alarm]
Saying something like, "that is good information to have" could be kind of creepy. And they could think that he's compiling information for a parking lot attack, or a home invasion. And thaaat's harassment!
MKMale Klokateer
AHHHHHHHH, FUUUUCK!
Cursing in the workplace can also make people feel awkward. Now let's try that again.
MKMale Klokateer
Is that a new belt?
FKFemale Klokateer
Yes, it is.
MKMale Klokateer
[gets shocked right away] AHHHHHHH!
Best to avoid all those compliments and continue working! Now let's watch that again without all those confusing compliments!
Well done! But what if our klokateer didn't want to make any complimants, but instead, a fun joke?
VVoice
NO JOKING IN THE WORKPLACE! NO JOKING IN THE WORKPLACE!
Humor is hurtful and can ruin lives. We're almost done folks. We're rounding the corner to finish our sexual harassment fun marathon! And also practical information! Do not linger around in restrooms. Keep your office door open so the people can see that you're clearly not jacking off in there. If you get a boner during work, best excuse yourself and go home! Here's a list of t hings to remember to avoid being caught in a tricky sexual harassment lawsuit. HERE WE GO! [speaking fast] Err on the side of caution do not tell people they look good do not compare people to each other dress conservatively do not make fun of people resist the urge to be friendly this could be taken as flirting if you do happen to accidentally flirt do not make up for it by being overly friendly this could be taken as an aggressive attack.
[annoyed] WILL THIS THING NEVER END?!?!
[in a comfort chair] Move my feet lower and my head up higher.
KKlokateer
How's that, sire?
I'm eating a piece of pizza, closer to my head.
Hey, Nathan, can I talk to you for a minute?
KKlokateer
How's that, sire?
Getting better, getting warmer]
KKlokateer
Is that adequate, sire?
FUCK OFF! [klokateer leaves]
[in jolly mood] Heh-hey, Nathan, pal! Good 'ole Nathan, aw man, look at those shoulders, Captain of the ship! What's happening man? [pause] Nathan, I want you to look at me. Are you looking at me?
[trying to ignore him] Kind of.
[in dramatic mood] I'm gonna tell you a sad tale.
Imagine a child, so horrific looking...
That he drove his parents to murder-suicide.
Well- uh...Imagine a man...with so little self esteem...
...that he looks...and acts like me!
Well glad that we uh...had this little chat. See you later...
You're just not getting it. Listen to me-
YOU WANNA BORROW SOME MONEY, JUST SAY IT!!
Yes I wanna borrow some money, but-
I'll give you anything just to get you away from me, all right?
I won't forget this pal! I'm having some work done down in Tijuana, shhh don't tell the others, it's our secret, you know because it's uh, cost effective-
Metalocalypse · 448 quotes
