Skwisgaar Skwigelf quotes from Metalocalypse

Skwisgaar

Well, maybe we should takes a break, you know? Being bleak and dark for a living sometimes makes you lose your objectivity for, you know, being bleak and dark.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf

[contemplatively] It appears the yard wolves has grown up. Are we finally finished with thes colds dead winters?

Skwisgaar

This idea is dildos.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf

Ohh... this thing squish my ball... Eeegh... I might throw up -

Skwisgaar

Okay, pulls it togedder. Don'ts lets the stress gets-in-to-you! Yous is the fastest guitarist alive, dere's no pressure! OH GODS, I cant's do...

Skwisgaar

Hello, I'm fine, just... getting high!

Skwisgaar

[points at dead body of a Klokateer that Agent 216 has killed] Look at this one! Asleeps in some bloods! We gots to gets tougher on these guys maybe huh?

Pickles

They're trying to tell you that the guy got his face smashed into the hovercraft, that's what they're trying to tell you.

Jean-Pierre

Yes, I know.

Toki

And then from the sorrow, FA-TUU! He blow he brain in!

Skwisgaar

[correcting Toki's grammar] He blow he brain out.

Toki

Whatever. It make a great album cover.

Skwisgaar

Yeah, all of our chefs, he has died a horrible death. What of thats do you think?

Jean-Pierre

I would rather have my brain scooped out with a melon-baller than to miss the opportunity to deliver the various cheese snacks to my beloved Dethklok.

Sorry, m'lords. Uh, we're chewing through a few thousand doves up here. Don't worry; these rotors'll grind 'em into paste in no time.

Jean-Pierre

Oh, from the Prime Minister of Norway [presents a wine bottle] There are several cases. The finest wine -

Nathan

NOOOOOOOO! We never drink before a show! Never! [William pops off the top of the bottle and pours some in a goblet]

Murderface

Well, I've been drinking all day.

Toki

[holds up beer can] Me too!

Skwisgaar

Me too.

Pickles

[surrounded by beer cans and beer bottles] Me too!

Nathan

... Me too.

Toki

[awed gasp] What's this place called?

Skwisgaar

This is, I believes, called food libraries.

Pickles

It's called a grocery store, ya douchebags! I'm sorry about douchebags. I got... got low blood sugar.

Nathan

Alright, here's the deal: we have to do our own shopping so we can make our own dinner like regular jack-offs do. Now you're all in charge of putting together one dish. AND DON'T JUST BUY BOOZE! That ain't food!

Murderface

What do you mean, "booze ain't food?" I'd rather chop off my ding-dong than admit that!

Toki

You'd rather chop off your ding-dong than not drink?

Murderface

Yeah!

Toki

Wowee!

Murderface

[reads his shopping list] Hey grandma, is there olives in it?

In what?

Murderface

Lemon tart, Wrinkle-tits! Jeezees!

[shocked gasp]

Murderface

Good, then it's pee-pee time! [starts urinating on the olives]

Pickles

Hey chief, this stuff good for soup? [gestures at shopping cart full of booze]

... No -

Pickles

- Aaaah! That's a yes.

Toki

[reading from his list] Who is Wall Nuts?

Skwisgaar

[throws a box of tampons into Toki's cart] Haa, hey Toki; look inside of your basket. Guess why you're in such crappy mood, you have lady's tampons... inside of it... and you buy them for yourself. Go on have a conversation with all the ladies and tell them your problems.

Toki

You a lady, Skwisgaar!

Skwisgaar

NO I'M NOT!!!

Nathan

2 cups of rice...

Nathan

Brutal.

Pickles

Okay hold on now, so you're telling me that you put these little guys in boiling water and they shrink, and they turn red, and they die?

Yes sir.

Pickles

That is the most metal thing I ever heard in my whole life. High five.

Nathan

Price check! Cleanup aisle six! Rotted Body Landslide! And don't forget our special sale on Every Bone Broken Chicken! Hurry! [laughing] Enjoy our tasty Hammer Smashed Face! Aisle three.

I loves to laugh. [romantically] Hi.

Hi.

Skwisgaar

Guess what, you are a GMILF. That is a grandmother that I would like to - [Cut to next scene]

Pickles

See! What'd I tell you guys? We don't need no chef.

Nathan

Put in the ingredients into that thing there.

Toki

Oh no, we leaves all the food at the food place!

Nathan

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! [Zoom into his mouth and down his throat]

Pickles the Drummer

Okay wait, before you do anything.

Pickles the Drummer

Motherdouchebags! Did it again...

Toki Wartooth

Dudes, what's wrong with that one? [dejected]

Pickles

Lemme guess - not "heavy" enough, not "tuned low" enough, not "brutal" enough?

Skwisgaar Skwigelf

Dudes, we can'ts nots toning down any lower.

William Murderface

Well, maybe it'd be better if I just killed myself, huh? Why don't you record that, huh? Would that be brutal enough for you? Me, being dead?

Skwisgaar

Somebody shoulds tells Murderface that it's not alsways-ways abouts him.

Toki

What does this lights mean?

He will die without safety briefing.

Skwisgaar

Hey, I'll take it from here, okay buddy?

Toki

[the liquid oxygen isolation submersion chamber begins to fill up] Skwisgaar, I think I need that safety briefings.

Skwisgaar

Oh, really quickly, the reason I come in here was we're all going to order some food. D'you want some?

Toki

[liquid oxygen gets up to his thigh] I can't think about that now, what are all these buttons flashing?

Skwisgaar

Start thinking about what you want, because honestly, I'm starting to get hungry -

Toki

[liquid oxygen is almost to his chest] Anything! Gn-Gnocchi or something! It's filling up!

Okay, I'll write that down. And oh, by the way, don't screw this one up!

Toki

[liquid oxygen is up to his neck] What is this button, I think I hit it!

Skwisgaar

I got to get going, see you later. [pulls the eject lever as the liquid oxygen submerges Toki]

Knubbler

Yeah, bear with me dudes. I think I made the trip a little too fast. My... my body's having a little trouble adjusting to the oceanic pressure down here. I'm sure I'll feel a little better once I have some Pop Rocks and Coke. [washes down a handful of Pop Rocks with Coca-Cola and begins to bleeds from nose]

Nathan

Now shut up and listen to this, Dick. This is metal. For fish.

Skwisgaar

Fish don't gots no good metal to listens to.

Murderface

Yeah, it's true.

Knubbler

Fish, huh?

Nathan

This one's called Murmaider!

Murderface

It's about mermaid murder.

Knubbler

Stop the track! This is amazing! I mean, there must be billions of fish out there! It's a totally untapped market! And so many hits too!

Nathan

Electric Eelchair!

Knubbler

Yeah!

Skwisgaar

Scaled and Gutted and Undercooked.

Knubbler

Yeah!

Murderface

Scuba Tank Filled With Farts!

Knubbler

YEAH! You boys knocked it completely out of the park. [quietly] I am back on top. [louder] I'm going straight to the label!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf

Hey, Pickle. Tell Murderface what you just told me about that guy. S' hilarious.

Pickles the Drummer

Oh, right. That dude that you headbutted? The guy was a Danish Prince. Can you believe that?

Skwisgaar

[mistaking the Danish for the Dutch] Pfft! The Dutch.

Pickles

Oh, check it out. He's got a brain contusion and a fractured skull... Oh, and he's last in line for the Danish royalty. That is messed up, dude.

William Murderface

Well, that's what he gets for going after my hog.

Pickles

Awesome.

Skwisgaar

Dude, I would have done the same thing. Pfft. Dutch.

Pickles

Yeah, well it's official. I mean, you're getting really... good at headbutting.

Nathan Explosion

A birthday party for Murderface?

Skwisgaar

Where is it going to be? In a toilet? In a bus station?

Toki Wartooth

Oh, that's brutal.

Skwisgaar

Can you believe, right off the top of my head, just making up like thats?

Pickles

Wait a minute! The guy's a nihilist, what does he want a birthday for?

Inside, outside, up or down. Show up if you want, who gives a piss?

Nathan

Oh, fuck me! We're going to have to get him a gift!