Senator Stampingston quotes from Metalocalypse

Senator Stampingston

Nathan Explosion is furthering his education. This could have devastating repercussions!

Senator Stampingston

Gentlemen, it appears that Dethklok... IS BACK.

Senator Stampingston

As you can see, Dethklok is no laughing matter. They're the world's greatest cultural force. A short time since the Duncan Hills Coffee Jingle Batsfjord Massacre Fest, every other coffee company has been obliterated. Completely blown out of the water.

General Crozier

Freaks.

Senator Stampingston

These freaks as you call them are currently worth billions. Gentlemen: [echoing opening theme lines] Skwisgaar Skwigelf, taller than a tree; Toki Wartooth, not a bumble bee; William Murderface, Murderface, Murderface; Pickles, the drummer - doodily-doo, ding-dong doodily, doodily doo; Nathan Explosion. I'm afraid that's all we know, gentlemen.

Senator Stampingston

Gentlemen, it's clear that we're in a universally precarious situation. Dethklok has summoned a troll.

General Crozier

That's impossible, there's no such thing as trolls.

Senator Stampingston

Then how do you explain the dead unicorns?

Senator Stampingston

From Tomahawk, Wisconsin we have Pickles' parents: Calvert and Molly with older brother Seth, a recently released convict. From Victory Gardens, the premier armed forces retirement community in Florida: Rose and Oscar Explosion. She's the once lovely Miss Sweden 1956, the brave single mother whose neglect helped form the world's fastest guitarist: Serveta Skwigelf. And the curious and rather off-beat grandparents who raised William after the tragic murder-suicide of his parents: Stella and Thunderbolt Murderface.

General Crozier

What's the wagon for?

Senator Stampingston

MASSIVE stroke.

General Crozier

I see...

Senator Stampingston

And last but not least, from abandoned village near Lillehammer, Norway, Anja and the Reverend Aslaug Wartooth.

Senator Stampingston

Toki Wartooth is becoming alarmingly popular with children. This is something we are not prepared to deal with. You all know our child control expert, Professor Jerry Gustav Munndig.

We must fear children. We have many successful programs in place to silence and control children. But I fear this Toki Wartooth - his natural child-like ways and children's affinity towards him may be our biggest threat yet! Do you remember the sixties?

General Crozier

Yes. Yes, I do.

Well! That was just hippies. Dirty hippies with flowers and mushrooms and acoustic guitars... Can you imagine a whole generation of children raised on... metal?

Gentlemen, have you heard of the United States Pornography Awards?

General Crozier

I've read reports.

This is the biggest adult film event of the year, and I believe that if we can involve Dethklok in participating, then we may have a chance at tempting Nathan Explosion and tearing his relationship apart.

General Crozier

I feel that this would work better if I was there, at the Pornography Awards.

Senator Stampingston

Perhaps I should go, too.

Cardinal Ravenwood

I feel that I should be there, too.

I want to go, too.

Mr. Salacia

No. You are not allowed to go.

Senator Stampingston

It seems that Dethklok has decided to become professional actors. Gentlemen, our resident acting expert, Dr. Chaz Fazzledoctinhoffer. Dr. Chaz.

This whole Dethklok acting business concerns me! We've gone to great lengths to control movies and blend them together with television into one bland, lifeless face that the humanoid public can nourish off of.

General Crozier

You think Dethklok could really have an impact on the movie industry?

What Dethklok does for the news awakens the imagination of the public! They have... charisma... They have... it! They have... zazz...

General Crozier

Supposing they do make a successful movie, what's the worst case scenario?

Independent thought return, creative control goes back to the artists, actors become smart and cool again, movies become thoughtful, endings become hard to figure out, people go to theaters and... interact with each other...

Senator Stampingston

And become entirely harder to control...

General Crozier

The domino effect...

Senator Stampingston

It appears as if certain members of Dethklok are taking music lessons. Allow me to officially introduce Vater Orlaag, political and spiritual specialist.

Vater

Having two guitarists in the same band is potentially destructive by itself but when one attempts to take away the other's status, HA HA God help us. The clashing of these egos is like two warrior titans, it's like Clash of the Titans! [no response] Clash...of the Titans.

Senator Stampingston

Gentlemen, Dethklok has taken the law into its own hands.

General Crozier

Preposterous!

Vater Orlaag

But they are well within their rights, General Crozier.

Senator Stampingston

World leaders are smart enough to know they need to keep Dethklok happy, and so they did just that.

Vater Orlaag

There is a purchase and thieving clause, that was backed by the United Nations this year, that allows Dethklok to act as a police force.

General Crozier

Just because the United Nations can be bought off doesn't mean it's right.

Vater Orlaag

It's not about right or wrong, General. At this point, it simply is.

Senator Stampingston

Nathan Explosion is now the governor of Florida!

Crozier

This is an outrage, how can we stop this?

Orlaag

Consider what the people would do, General.

Stampingston

I think it's time that we go to purple alert! [a purple light begins randomly blinking and a buzzer sounds whenver the light is shone]

Stampingston

Toki Wartooth's father is on his deathbed. Gentlemen, our psychological death expert, Dr. Ralphus Galgensmelter.

Toki Wartooth has become a messenger of death. Everything he touches with his love will die! FOR he brings death with him like a blackened cloud, hovering in the cold. Night. Sky. Like the Grim Reaper himself, his guitar is his scythe. He...cascades into the open window of your child's cradle, to suck the very life...from your baby's breath.

Crozier

What a load of horseshit.

My drug is still alive in the systems of the now sober, members of Snakes N' Barrells. I however, have a grave warning: There is a long-term side effect, a terrible and desructive side-effect. With enough stimulus, the drug living in their fat cells will ignite.

Stampingston

Spontaneous human combustion!

Not quite. Blue phosphorous snakes will shoot forth from the orifices of the users, and they will go mad with rage.

Orlaag

All of their orifices?

I'm afraid so...

Stampingston

Gentlemen, Dethklok has returned back to Earth and is on the verge of releasing a new record. General Crozier?

Crozier

In addition, Nathan Explosion has begun dating a fan.

Orlaag

Historically, dating a fan has proven to be catastrophic.

Stampingston

Yes. Here to speak more is Nathan Explosion Romance expert, Dr. Tormanbin McMildidindindin. Dr. McMildidindindin?

Nathan Explosion is cursed by love! In this case he is involved in the worst relationship known to mankind; he's begun seriously dating one of his wretched, mindless, fans. A lactic pathetic attempt to avoid intimacy. These fan elastic pretend relationships have the illusion of working, but when the celebrity wants out, the results can be quite dangerous.