Metalocalypse quotes

Pickles

They're trying to tell you that the guy got his face smashed into the hovercraft, that's what they're trying to tell you.

Jean-Pierre

Yes, I know.

Toki

And then from the sorrow, FA-TUU! He blow he brain in!

Skwisgaar

[correcting Toki's grammar] He blow he brain out.

Toki

Whatever. It make a great album cover.

Skwisgaar

Yeah, all of our chefs, he has died a horrible death. What of thats do you think?

Jean-Pierre

I would rather have my brain scooped out with a melon-baller than to miss the opportunity to deliver the various cheese snacks to my beloved Dethklok.

Sorry, m'lords. Uh, we're chewing through a few thousand doves up here. Don't worry; these rotors'll grind 'em into paste in no time.

Jean-Pierre

Oh, from the Prime Minister of Norway [presents a wine bottle] There are several cases. The finest wine -

Nathan

NOOOOOOOO! We never drink before a show! Never! [William pops off the top of the bottle and pours some in a goblet]

Murderface

Well, I've been drinking all day.

Toki

[holds up beer can] Me too!

Skwisgaar

Me too.

Pickles

[surrounded by beer cans and beer bottles] Me too!

Nathan

... Me too.

Nathan

We are here to make coffee metal. We will make everything metal. Blacker than the blackest black times infinity.

My eye got torn out, and force-fed to me in a show. DETHKLOK RULES!

In London, some dude chopped off my fingers and threw them up on stage. MURDERFACE ROLLED THEM UP AND SMOKED THEM! [yells into reporter's microphone] MURDERFACE!!!

Senator Stampingston

As you can see, Dethklok is no laughing matter. They're the world's greatest cultural force. A short time since the Duncan Hills Coffee Jingle Batsfjord Massacre Fest, every other coffee company has been obliterated. Completely blown out of the water.

General Crozier

Freaks.

Senator Stampingston

These freaks as you call them are currently worth billions. Gentlemen: [echoing opening theme lines] Skwisgaar Skwigelf, taller than a tree; Toki Wartooth, not a bumble bee; William Murderface, Murderface, Murderface; Pickles, the drummer - doodily-doo, ding-dong doodily, doodily doo; Nathan Explosion. I'm afraid that's all we know, gentlemen.

Toki

[awed gasp] What's this place called?

Skwisgaar

This is, I believes, called food libraries.

Pickles

It's called a grocery store, ya douchebags! I'm sorry about douchebags. I got... got low blood sugar.

Nathan

Alright, here's the deal: we have to do our own shopping so we can make our own dinner like regular jack-offs do. Now you're all in charge of putting together one dish. AND DON'T JUST BUY BOOZE! That ain't food!

Murderface

What do you mean, "booze ain't food?" I'd rather chop off my ding-dong than admit that!

Toki

You'd rather chop off your ding-dong than not drink?

Murderface

Yeah!

Toki

Wowee!

Murderface

[reads his shopping list] Hey grandma, is there olives in it?

In what?

Murderface

Lemon tart, Wrinkle-tits! Jeezees!

[shocked gasp]

Murderface

Good, then it's pee-pee time! [starts urinating on the olives]

Pickles

Hey chief, this stuff good for soup? [gestures at shopping cart full of booze]

... No -

Pickles

- Aaaah! That's a yes.

Toki

[reading from his list] Who is Wall Nuts?

Skwisgaar

[throws a box of tampons into Toki's cart] Haa, hey Toki; look inside of your basket. Guess why you're in such crappy mood, you have lady's tampons... inside of it... and you buy them for yourself. Go on have a conversation with all the ladies and tell them your problems.

Toki

You a lady, Skwisgaar!

Skwisgaar

NO I'M NOT!!!

Nathan

2 cups of rice...

Nathan

Brutal.

Pickles

Okay hold on now, so you're telling me that you put these little guys in boiling water and they shrink, and they turn red, and they die?

Yes sir.

Pickles

That is the most metal thing I ever heard in my whole life. High five.

Nathan

Price check! Cleanup aisle six! Rotted Body Landslide! And don't forget our special sale on Every Bone Broken Chicken! Hurry! [laughing] Enjoy our tasty Hammer Smashed Face! Aisle three.

I loves to laugh. [romantically] Hi.

Hi.

Skwisgaar

Guess what, you are a GMILF. That is a grandmother that I would like to - [Cut to next scene]

Pickles

See! What'd I tell you guys? We don't need no chef.

Nathan

Put in the ingredients into that thing there.

Toki

Oh no, we leaves all the food at the food place!

Nathan

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! [Zoom into his mouth and down his throat]

Murderface

[prodding the remains of the mutilated chef with a stick] Jean-Pierre! Jean-Pierre! Wake up, cook something! Come on! Don't be a dick, be a dude!

Pickles

By the power of all that is evil, I command you to awaken and make me a sandwich! [wails]

Dudes, we would, like, have to sew him back together to get him to cook for us.

Toki

Yeah, but we such screw-ups that he would be sewn back together wrong.

Nathan

Whoa! That's a good song title.

Pickles the Drummer

Okay wait, before you do anything.

Pickles the Drummer

Motherdouchebags! Did it again...

Toki Wartooth

Dudes, what's wrong with that one? [dejected]

Pickles

Lemme guess - not "heavy" enough, not "tuned low" enough, not "brutal" enough?

Skwisgaar Skwigelf

Dudes, we can'ts nots toning down any lower.

William Murderface

Well, maybe it'd be better if I just killed myself, huh? Why don't you record that, huh? Would that be brutal enough for you? Me, being dead?

Skwisgaar

Somebody shoulds tells Murderface that it's not alsways-ways abouts him.

Charles Ofdensen

Okay, so you want to re-re-re-re-record in the ocean, in... I see, no problem...

Nathan Explosion

No, not in the ocean! Inside the ocean.

Ofdensen

Okay.

Nathan

In the heaviest, deepest, most brutal part.

Ofdensen

Alright.

Nathan

The Mariana TREEEEEEEEEENCH!

Ofdensen

Well, let me make some calls.

Ofdensen

Well, the good news is that they're gonna give you more money to record this album. The bad news is that they're going to send a producer down to work with you, so I hope that -

Nathan

NOOOOOOOOOOOO! [throws model globe off the panel in a fury]

Nathan

Your guitar's picking up strange sounds!

Toki

What, dude? I didn't know these pickups were that strong. It picks up the whales saying hello.

Toki

What does this lights mean?

He will die without safety briefing.

Skwisgaar

Hey, I'll take it from here, okay buddy?

Toki

[the liquid oxygen isolation submersion chamber begins to fill up] Skwisgaar, I think I need that safety briefings.

Skwisgaar

Oh, really quickly, the reason I come in here was we're all going to order some food. D'you want some?

Toki

[liquid oxygen gets up to his thigh] I can't think about that now, what are all these buttons flashing?

Skwisgaar

Start thinking about what you want, because honestly, I'm starting to get hungry -

Toki

[liquid oxygen is almost to his chest] Anything! Gn-Gnocchi or something! It's filling up!

Okay, I'll write that down. And oh, by the way, don't screw this one up!

Toki

[liquid oxygen is up to his neck] What is this button, I think I hit it!

Skwisgaar

I got to get going, see you later. [pulls the eject lever as the liquid oxygen submerges Toki]