William Murderface quotes from Metalocalypse

All right, listen up! First things first. The conditions down here are repugnant! It's infested with rats, moles, and some strain of flesh-eating virus.

Nathan

Pretty metal.

Murderface

Pretty metal.

Oh is it? Your staff is dying down here. Is that metal?

Murderface

I hate to say it, but, yeah.

Nathan

Yeah, not to be contradictory but it's very metal.

(pause) Is it metal to have your drains clogged with dead, rotting employees?

Nathan

Yeah. It is, actually.

Murderface

Metal.

Is it metal to have easily avoidable work-related accidents the cause of death?

Murderface

Yeah, again, metal.

Is it metal for none of you to care at all?

Nathan

Yeah it's way more metal if we don't care about it.

Well... I guess I uh didn't know all that stuff was metal. Anyway, follow me.

Nathan

[to Pickles] Don't give Murderface any firecrackers, we just have to hold them.

Murderface

[walks over] Hey, can I have a firecracker?

Pickles

You know what? I think there's some over there. [points to a blank patch of grass]

Murderface

Where? I don't see any. [bends over muttering, Nathan lights a firecracker, and puts it in Murderface's pants] There's no firecrackers. [the firecracker explodes] AHHH! THAT FUCKING HURTS!

Nathan

They're down there somewhere, just keep looking.

Murderface

Alright. [bends over again, Nathan lights another firecracker, sets it in Murderface's pants and it explodes] AHHHH YOU MOTHERFUCKERS DID IT AGAIN!

Nathan

Murderface.

Murderface

[slight pause] What?

Nathan

You gotta find these firecrackers, they're down there somewhere.

Pickles

Yeah, they're in the grass, look!

Murderface

I can't see 'em.

Pickles

Smash your face into the grass and look hard. [Murderface looks some more, while Nathan lights yet another firecracker and sets it in Murderface's pants] There you go, now you got it. [it explodes]

Murderface

OH YOU MOTHERFUCKER, OW THAT HURT!

You know, Toki's kind of in a fragile state of mind right now. He could really use your support.

Murderface

Ah, don't let him fool you. He's tough as nails.

Pickles

Come on, you don't think Toki's gonna freak out or anything, you know, like do something-- should we hide the guns?

Well I wouldn't go that far,I think he's just a little sad.

Murderface

He's gonna kill himself?

Pickles

No, I mean he might kill us.

Murderface

He's the one to do that, he's a strange-- I don't trust him.

Nathan

He's fucked in the head.

Murderface

He's fucked in the head. I don't trust him and--

Toki

[walks in] Hello.

AHHHH!

Nathan

Don't fucking do that to me.

Murderface

[a firecracker just exploded in his hand] That's my bass playing hand!

Pickles

[sarcastic] Uh-oh! There goes the band!

Murderface

My dad's dead. He killed my mom then he killed himself, didn't affect me at all.

Pickles

How's it gonna affect you? You were just a baby.

Murderface

I was never a baby! I had to become a man then and there!

Nathan

You're still a baby now.

Murderface

A baby with a man's heart! I'm...a warrior.

Murderface

[reading a pamphlet about Norway] Hey did you know that Norway has the lowest murder rate in the whole world? The lowest in the world?!

Nathan

Wait a minute, you mean the murder rate in Canada is higher than Norway?

Murderface

Yeah.

Nathan

Oh my God, that's lame! This place is lame.

Murderface

Admit it Toki, Norway's not brutal.

Nathan

Danbury, Connecticut is more brutal.

Pickles

Yeah, dude. Tomahawk, Wisconsin, it's way more brutal. At least we got crystal meth!

Murderface

There you are, you scumbag!

Toki

[stomping the annoying fan's face into the ground] I'LL KILL YOU!!! [Murderface gapes in astonishment and fear. Toki turns towards him with an insane look] WHATS THE FUCKS DO YOU WANT, MOTHERFUCKER?!?!?!

Murderface

.... What's up bro? What's happenin', huh?

Murderface

So wait, just so i understand, you're all passing on Takin' it Easy?

Nathan

Yeah, We pass.

Murderface

I can't even begin to believe that. You know what! Fuck YOU! I'm keeping that song for Planet Piss.

Toki

So I'ms in Planet Piss now?

Murderface

NO! Fuck you, you're not in Planet Piss! You fucking greedy asshole! No.

Toki

I'll fucking sues you Murderface! Thats mine!

Murderface

What?! What are you fucking doing!? (inaudiable) Are you going to throw a basket of hot towels on me?!?

Toki

Yes I'm going to throws the basket of hot towels at you!

Murderface

I don't think you should!

Toki

Why not?

Murderface

Because, those towels are really hot!! Don't fucking throw hot towels you lunatic!!

Knubbler

Sorry guys, wrap for the day. Cuttin' ya loose, we'll be back.

Nathan

Where you going? You getting food? Get Indian!

Toki

Oh, gets sushi!

Pickles

Get some fucking French toast this time, you cocksmokers!

Murderface

I'm sick of French toast!

Knubbler

We're not getting food, guys.

Murderface

Why not?!

Skwisgaar

We are goings to records my guitar part, and it may be the most dangerous things I ams ever dones.

Toki

Then whys you dos it?

Skwisgaar

Because I ams a tones-chaser.

Nathan

That'd be funny if he said he was a squirrel-chaser. That'd be funnier, you know. Pickles, squirrel-chaser!

Pickles

[clearly annoyed] Yeah, I know.

Murderface

[in a tantrum about Dethklok passing on 'Takin' it Easy.'] You know what? Fuck you all! THat's right! [flips them off individually] Fuck you! Fuck you! AND FUCK YOU! What are you doing, Pickles? [camera cuts to Pickles' camera phone shot recording Murderface on his tantrum] ARE YOU FUCKING RECORDING ME ON YOUR CAMERA-PHONE, MOTHERFUCKER?!

Pickles

[puts it away] Yeah, sorry I will put that away it's not appropriate.

Charles

Moving right along-

Nathan

Hey, hey! Listen, I actually would like to get serious for a moment, okay? If I could?

Charles

Very well.

Nathan

I uhh...I think it would be in the band's best interests to hire a uh...Buddhist Yoga...instructor guy dude.

Pickles

Ohhh yeah. Yes I second that.

Charles

Uhh, oh really? What because uh...you guys are interested in yoga? Spiritual guidance or-

Skwisgaar

No, because we-

Nathan

YES! YES! We want spiritual things.

Charles

Is that really the reason?

Nathan

Yup. Right guys?

Murderface

I thought we... OHHHHHHH....Right!"

Skwisgaar

Yeaaaah...

Charles

I'm sorry, I don't understand. Why do you need this?

Nathan

We'd like to be able to reach things a little bit better.

Murderface

Right.

Charles

To reach things?

Murderface

Yeah reach...things.

Charles

To reach things.

Nathan

Yup. Conversation over.

Murderface

We are not hiring a replacement manager, it's too fucking soon kemosabe. We're taking on all management uhh... things.

Skwisgaar

I ams in charge of finance-skial treasuries.

Pickles

And I'm head of financial business affairs.

Nathan

I'm chief of financial receipts... gathering.

Murderface

I'm deputy president of financial money.

Toki

[dejectedly] And I'ms in charge of snacks... Fucking bullshit!

Skwisgaar

Uh, Williams, did yous pay the electrics bill?

Murderface

Oh, what am I gonna pay it with, my farts?

Nathan

Guys I've been crunching numbers and financially... I don't know how to say this but we're fucked. Thanks to Murderface's sandscape, we're in the red. Good one Murderface.

Murderface

[stares and says nothing]

Murderface

The uh- the construction has stopped.

Toki

That's because they don't gets paid, stupid!