Any mindless baboon can see she's not here, including me!
“The Abduction of Margaret Houlihan” · Season 5
In this episode: Frank Marion Burns (2), Radar O'Reilly (2), Hawkeye Pierce (1), BJ Hunnicutt (1), Colonel Potter (1), Sam Flagg (1)
Klinger (as a Korean girl stares at his dress): This is what happens to you when you don't eat your vegetables.
What happened?
BBJ
Hop-a-long Ferret Face shot me!
(Later on)
Say, Beej, you're not gonna report me or anything, are you?
Frank, stop acting like a sniveling idiot.
I'm not acting!
BJB.J.
Get away from me!
Just promise you won't tell on me and get me in trouble. Huh? Please? Pretty please?
We promise, Frank.
What happened here?
Frank shot B.J.
Tattletale! Stool pigeon! Fink! Indian giver!
How bad is it?
Superficial. Fortunately, Frank's as good a marksman as he is a surgeon.
How's your horse, sir? When I was a kid, my daddy used to take me to the pony rides and---
(angrily) How did it happen, Burns?
You mean the, uh---?
Right!
I was cleaning my weapon and it discharged prematurely. Sir, I think the Chinese have captured Major Houlihan!
I see. So, naturally, you shot Captain Hunnicutt. (Radar giggles quietly)
Well, what's so funny, Corporal?
Sorry, sir.
Don't blame the boy Burns, He knows a good joke when he sees one.
Permission to look for Major Houlihan
Permission denied!
But I....
No!
I'll go wait in my tent!
Potter (disgusted) A mental pygmy!
[after Radar immediately recognizes Col. Flagg despite his elaborate outfit]
All right, pipsqueak, how'd you know it was me?
Well, sir, you don't look anything like yourself. And since you're a master of disguises, I figure only you could look that much not like you.
I'll buy that. But if you cross me, you could get a "Number Eight."
(nervously) What's that?
Have you ever heard of the Malaysian chest-implosion torture?
No.
Good. Because there's no such thing. Yet.
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