Colonel Spiker (about Hawkeye): No respect for the uniform.
Well, he's never in it anyway.
S4Of Moose and Men
BBJ
Sergeant, you can't drink this early in the morning. I know, I keep trying.
S4Soldier of the Month
Frank (dictating his will): To Major Margaret Houlihan... my friend... my comrade... my little soldier...I leave all my clothes.
SZSergeant Zale
I know a lot of state capitals. I'll show you. Ask me the capital of Cleveland!
Klinger, what civil war hero said "Damn the torpedoes! Full steam ahead." And please try to answer with less than the seven basic ballet movements.
I'm thinking. I'm thinking. Tugarraf!
"Tugarraf?!"
BBJ
That's "Farragut." He said it backwards.
Aha! True or false: You can reach the high notes of the "Star-Spangled Banner" by standing on your toes.
That ain't part of the test!
Yes, but how did you know?
He's cheating! He's got the answers written all over him!
I am not! Those are tattoos! Leave me alone!
No wonder he knows history like the back of his hand.
S4The Gun
Attention all personnel. Attention. Tonight's movie is Kansas City Confidential. This will be of special interest to anyone who missed it when it was shown every night this month.
I'll be going to jail in my puberty and not coming out until my adultery.
S4Mail Call Again
Hello? Louise, it's me, Frank.
Radar (Whispering to Frank): Frank Burns.
Frank (To Louise): Frank Burns.
Radar (reading aloud what his mother is saying in her home movie): "I love you, Walter."
BBJ
Gee Dad, talkies.
Who's Walter?
Oh, that's my given name.
Give it back.
[A cackling Frank comes out of Colonel Potter's office, only to miss having a chair thrown at him.]
Margaret (infuriated): War horse?! Army Mule?!
Margaret!
Stuff it!!!
[Frank is desperately trying to call his wife, but Radar is busy connecting another call in Ohio]
Don't give me any of your snottiness, I am not that old dimwit you work for!
(Colonel Potter turns around glaring at Burns)
The Ohio call is mine, Major.
[Nervously chuckles] I am just having a little joke with Radar.
(sternly) And watch that dimwit talk, Burns! Your bulb's been out since I met you!
(A smug and cackling Frank, having lied to his wife, comes out of Potter's office, only to have a chair thrown at him! The chair breaks on impact!)
(she is infuriated) War horse?! Army Mule?!
Margaret!
Stuff it!!!
(She storms out of the office, and Frank follows her!)
I had to say what I did, try to understand!
Leave me alone, you chinless chipmunk!
Margaret, please!
Remove your hand or I'll zap you with my knee!
Margaret! (They walk nonchalantly past some enlisted men) I had to lie, the stocks and the house are in her name!
(Margaret slams the door of her tent in his face)
Oh, Margaret, dear. Let me bring over my can of Sterno, we can have some hot toddies and you can put on your new nightie!
(throwing her negligee at him) YOU put on my new nightie!
[Looking longingly at the negligee as BJ and Hawkeye walk by with golf clubs] Forty five dollars!
BBJ
Sold.
Are alterations included?
(annoyed) Aw, go practice your putts!
[Potter has found out that he's a grandfather. He starts to cry]
BBJ
(to a tearful Hawkeye) You too?
(tearfully) I lost the baby pool.
Well, bless my soul. I won.
BBJ
A little inside information, Father?
No, I just happen to know a bit more about conception!
(Several members of the 4077th are celebrating the birth of Potter's new granddaughter, Sherry.)
Lieutenant Kelly, that cigar is you.
(slightly drunk) To Sherry Pershing Potter, here's to a long and happy hitch!
EEveryone
Hear Hear!
(wearing Margaret's old negligee, carrying a tray of beer) Here we are, reinforcements, Colonel Grandpa!
BBJ
Klinger, where'd you get that negligee?
I found it in the garbage.
War is such a waste!
Klinger, it's you!
(Everybody launches into a chorus of "Let Me Call You Sweetheart")
S4The Price of Tomato Juice
Courage is just something you can't be afraid to have.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's M*A*S*H pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.