CWColonel Wortman
What did he die of?
Myocardial infarction.
CWColonel Wortman
What does that mean?
It means his pearl-handled pistols are up for grabs.
S3Iron Guts Kelly
S3O.R.
I just don't know why they're shooting at us. All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread. Transplant the American dream. Freedom. Achievement. Hyperacidity. Affluence. Flatulence. Technology. Tension. The inalienable right to an early coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to stab your boss in the back.
Some patients insist on dying, Hawk. You knew that going in. But you had to be a doctor.
I didn't have a choice, it's all ever I cared about, all I ever wanted to do. Sometimes I think I'd be more useful as a cocktail waitress.
You haven't got the legs for it.
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice. Pull down your pants, and slide on the ice.
It's just that you're a joyless person, Frank. You're a D.U.L.
I'm from a very strict family. We weren't allowed to talk at meals, we couldn't even hum. Anybody who hummed got a punch in the throat.
That's terrible.
I think that's why I became a snitch, so I could talk to somebody.
You were a snitch, Frank?
I'd squeal on anybody. Once, in school, I caught my best friend smoking. I didn't report him, and later I snitched on myself for not snitching.
S3Springtime
Hawkeye (to dishevelled Radar at show-end): Radar, what happened?
I don't know. I think I've been slaked.
Sir, I only want a small, quick little wedding in Toledo then a teeny-tiny, one-two-three honeymoon!
Col. Blake Anyone who believes that, stand on their head.
Margaret (to Klinger at beginning of wedding): You have your nerve wearing white.
Jealous?
S3Check Up
Let's make a pact about drinking.
All right.
Let's never stop.
Henry (about Radar's tattoo): Radar, getting one of those is very unsanitary.
Oh, I washed my hands first, sir.
[To Klinger, who's still wearing some women's clothes for his check-up] What's a pretty girl like you doing in a war like this?
S3Life With Father
Maybe we should talk to her for a second.
That only puts another dollar in the bank of permissiveness.
Who's yours from, Trap?
My five-year-old. Or my wife has started writing in crayon.
S3There Is Nothing Like a Nurse
Hawkeye (as Frank, in his wedding film, is about to cut the wedding cake): Watch the cake die of malpractice.
You know, Major, you and your nurses can be a real pain in the butt. If you're not in here every five minutes complaining about them, they're in here saying you're Hermann Goering in drag!
Which one of them said that?!?!
I'm not finking, Major.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's M*A*S*H pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.