[on the telephone seeking help] Send me anyone! Jack the Ripper! Anyone who's good with a knife!
S2Carry On, Hawkeye
S2The Incubator
[regarding the requisition of the incubator being denied] We're not asking for a jukebox or a pizza oven.
SCaptain Sloan
Oh, those I can let you have.
No kidding! Hey, those would be great on movie nights. You got any pizza requisition forms?
SCaptain Sloan
Just use the standard S stroke 1798 and write in "Pizza" where it says "Machine Gun".
Thank, you Colonel. Sorry, Captain. Sorry, patient, you have a temperature of 109 stroke 10. I'm afraid you can't have an incubator but you can have a pizza with everything on it to go. Unless, of course, you go first.
Let's stay on the ground, shall we, Pierce?
[to Sloan] Does the book allow us any ground, Captain? Otherwise I'm afraid I'll have to ask you all to take a step up.
Into Limbo!
No, you can't have any Limbo. In fact, you can't have - anything - stroke nothing, which is not approved by STATQUOPAC. Which is enough to make you reach for AIRSICKBAG.
Well everybody, happy days, stroke cheers.
Holy cow! (Reading charges) "Insubordination! Conduct unbecoming officers! Violations of Articles 13 through 27 with a repeat on 26!"
That must be altering salute by placing thumb on nose.
Henry there's something you should know about those charges.
Yes. We're guilty.
I'll tell you what else you are: Your under arrest. General's orders.
Swell. What do we tell the casualties? We only operate on visiting days?
You gonna lock us up Sheriff?
If you guys didn't outclass every bit of surgical talent in Korea, your tails would have been in handcuffs a long time ago.
Henry its no crime, or it shouldn't be for doctors to try to get decent medical equipment.
Did you really yell "Give me an incubator or give me death"? Wow. Did you really call a one-star general a "NINCOMPAC"?
S2Deal Me Out
[during a poker game] Sidney, what's the psychiatric basis for gambling?
Sex.
Why?
I don't know, they told me to say it. Sex is why we gamble, sex is why we drink, sex is why we give birth.
Thank you, doctor.
I'm taking a five dollar chip. That was a house call.
Radar, what's going on?
It's a patient, sir. He blew his cork.
Sidney, front and center.
I'm not going out there without a bulletproof couch!
Uh, sir, if you're thirsty. Compliments of Colonel Blake. Scotch. Gin. Vodka. And for your convenience all in the same bottle.
You have a lot of trouble with women, don't you?
Every chance that I can!
Henry, the guy could have died!
He was bleeding, Henry. And Frank, here, who studied medicine under General Rommel was too chicken to operate. He was afraid that under anaesthesia the lieutenant might give away Harry Truman's hat size!
Hi sirs, sandwiches from the mess tent.
Hope everybody likes carrier pigeon.
There's ham, chicken, and something brown that just lays there.
Ah, well, it looks like the "conference" is in full swing.
Hi, Frank. What's new up on The Mount?
Read any good commandments lately?
Hold it everybody freeze!
What's the matter?
One of the sandwiches just moved.
Now be advised, if you so much as touch that man you're violating regulations.
Frank. We promise to keep saluting all throughout the operation.
You did it, didn't you? Operated on the CID man.
Yeah, we thought we'd save his life for kicks.
Okay the first thing people do in a situation like this is panic.
Well I think I'm doing it in the right order.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's M*A*S*H pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.