Trapper John McIntyre quotes from M*A*S*H

Radar

[during roll call] Major Frank Marion Burns.

[snickers] Marion.

Hawkeye

His folks wanted a boy.

Hawkeye

Thank, you Colonel. Sorry, Captain. Sorry, patient, you have a temperature of 109 stroke 10. I'm afraid you can't have an incubator but you can have a pizza with everything on it to go. Unless, of course, you go first.

Henry

Let's stay on the ground, shall we, Pierce?

Hawkeye

[to Sloan] Does the book allow us any ground, Captain? Otherwise I'm afraid I'll have to ask you all to take a step up.

Into Limbo!

Hawkeye

No, you can't have any Limbo. In fact, you can't have - anything - stroke nothing, which is not approved by STATQUOPAC. Which is enough to make you reach for AIRSICKBAG.

Henry

Well everybody, happy days, stroke cheers.

Henry

Holy cow! (Reading charges) "Insubordination! Conduct unbecoming officers! Violations of Articles 13 through 27 with a repeat on 26!"

Hawkeye

That must be altering salute by placing thumb on nose.

Henry there's something you should know about those charges.

Hawkeye

Yes. We're guilty.

Henry

I'll tell you what else you are: Your under arrest. General's orders.

Hawkeye

Swell. What do we tell the casualties? We only operate on visiting days?

You gonna lock us up Sheriff?

Henry

If you guys didn't outclass every bit of surgical talent in Korea, your tails would have been in handcuffs a long time ago.

Hawkeye

Henry its no crime, or it shouldn't be for doctors to try to get decent medical equipment.

Henry

Did you really yell "Give me an incubator or give me death"? Wow. Did you really call a one-star general a "NINCOMPAC"?

You have a lot of trouble with women, don't you?

Hawkeye

Every chance that I can!

Henry, the guy could have died!

Hawkeye

He was bleeding, Henry. And Frank, here, who studied medicine under General Rommel was too chicken to operate. He was afraid that under anaesthesia the lieutenant might give away Harry Truman's hat size!

Henry

I can't believe it. I couldn't wait till she got here, and now I'm glad she's gone.

It's for the best, Henry.

Hawkeye

Yeah. If you had sucked your gut in one more time, your belly button would have fallen out your backside.

Frank

You're asking me to let a pervert out of the Army?!

Hawkeye

Oh, by all means, Frank. Let's leave the perverts in the Army.

Anyway, Klinger's not a pervert.

How do you know?

Because I'm one--and he's never at the meetings!

Hawkeye

[seeing available selections in "nose" catalogue] Gee, I never knew how hard it was to pick a nose.

[pointing to one selection] This one paid for two Cadillacs.

Now that's what you call "paying through the nose."

The wit in this room flows like molasses.

[listening to Radar play the piano] Hey Radar, don't you know another song?

Hawkeye

He doesn't even know THAT one. [Radar continues to play.] Radar, if you keep this up, you could be arrested for felonious fingering.

Margaret

[Trapper is knocking on Margaret's door, Margaret and Frank are eating a stolen ham] Who is it?

The heat inspector!

Frank

You can't come in!

Hawkeye

Then we'll huff, and we'll puff, and we'll blow your nurse down!

Frank

I found out something about someone that is very interesting--very interesting.

Let us guess.

Hawkeye

Is this person a well-stacked U.S. Army major nurse who's bigger than a breadbox that you're seeing on the side?

Frank

No... [realizes what Hawkeye said] ...no!

Frank

The man is not normal!

Hawkeye

What's normal, Frank?

Frank

Normal is everybody doing the same thing.

What about individuality?

Frank

Well, individuality is fine--as long as we all do it together.

Major Burns doctor Surgeon

Hawkeye

Staff paranoid

The Corps of engineers is thinking of making Mash amphibious

Frank

IVe HAD ThAT IDeA FOr A LONG tIme...put everything on Pontoons and head for the High seas

Hawkeye

We CAN CALL ourselves THE titANIC

Frank

Arrest me?? What for, for heaven's sake!

You're a communist!

He's a facist!

Frank

I'm not either! I'm nothing!

We'll vouch for that.

What did he die of?

Myocardial infarction.

What does that mean?

Hawkeye

It means his pearl-handled pistols are up for grabs.