Trapper John McIntyre quotes from M*A*S*H

It's just that you're a joyless person, Frank. You're a D.U.L.

Frank

I'm from a very strict family. We weren't allowed to talk at meals, we couldn't even hum. Anybody who hummed got a punch in the throat.

That's terrible.

Frank

I think that's why I became a snitch, so I could talk to somebody.

You were a snitch, Frank?

Frank

I'd squeal on anybody. Once, in school, I caught my best friend smoking. I didn't report him, and later I snitched on myself for not snitching.

Hawkeye

Let's make a pact about drinking.

All right.

Hawkeye

Let's never stop.

Hawkeye

Who's yours from, Trap?

My five-year-old. Or my wife has started writing in crayon.

What's in the package?

Hawkeye

Ribs and sauce from Chicago.

Adam's Ribs?

Hawkeye

You know it?

Are you kidding? I'm from Joliet. I'd walk to Chicago on my knees in the snow for a takeout order.

He's one of you.

How many you got?

Hawkeye

40 pounds.

I'll take twenty, and a quart of sauce.

Hawkeye

Ten, and a pint of sauce.

Twelve, and a pint and a half. And coleslaw.

Hawkeye

We didn't order any cole slaw.

You sent all the way to Chicago, and no cole slaw?

Hawkeye

Forgive us, we're draftees.

Hawkeye

Say "hello," Trapper.

Hello, Trapper.

Hawkeye

Isn't he clever? We had the bolts in his neck tightened yesterday.

Henry's not here.

Hawkeye

Are you sure? Sometimes when he's here I get that feeling.

What's the announcement, Radar?

Radar

It's a lecture. Colonel Blake's gonna tell us everything he knows about sex.

Hawkeye

It should be an enjoyable 60 seconds.

Henry

Cornel Wilde just kissed Gene Tierney.

Hawkeye

On the teeth?

Right smack on.

Hawkeye

If he straightens out that overbite, I'll kill him.

Klinger

What's this morning's breakfast?

Last night's dinner.

Klinger

Great, that was yesterday's lunch.

Hawkeye

Shall we drink to Douglas MacArthur or Ish Kabibble?

I don't know, they both mean so much to me.

Hawkeye

No kidding, let's drink to something important.

To the Ritz Brothers!

Hawkeye

Are you still doing those phony operations with the fake stitches?

And using hair cream for penicillin?

Hawkeye

I examined one of your patients, Doctor. He still had pneumonia, but I must say, you cleared up his dandruff.

Frank

As adjutant and assistant chief surgeon, I'd like to volunteer for that operation.

Margaret

How splendid, Major.

Henry

Very good, Frank.

Lovely.

Hawkeye

Then it's settled. We'll do a hysterectomy on Major Burns.

Frank

I think the Colonel might like to know that Major Houlihan's father was under General MacArthur in the cavalry.

Hawkeye

Her father was a horse. Did you know that?

Our engagement is off.

Henry, that suit is really you.

Hawkeye

If you're Adolphe Menjou.

Frank Burns

Your conduct in there was not only unbecoming an officer, it was equally reprehensible as a medical man!

Hawkeye Pierce

Frank, I happen to be an officer only because I foolishly opened an invitation from President Truman to come to this costume party. And as for my ability as a doctor, if you seriously question that, I'm just gonna have to challenge you to a duel.

Swords or pistols?

Hawkeye Pierce

I was thinking specimen bottles at twenty paces.