Trapper John McIntyre quotes from M*A*S*H

Come on, Frank! Outta the way!

Frank

You're not going anywhere in that, McIntyre. This jeep is the official property of the US Army in general and Col. Blake in particular and as such is to be used for the official duties thereof and nothing else.

Frank, you're sucking around to become a hit and run case. Move!

Frank

Over my dead body.

Great idea!

Radar

[referring to a book Hawkeye is holding] War AND Peace?

Well, Tolstoy was very flexible. He went either way.

[while Hawkeye is working on Tuttle's profile] You should write fiction.

Hawkeye

You should read my file.

Great work. There wasn't a dry eye in the whole camp.

Hawkeye

Tuttle always brought out the best in me.

Radar

Hey, I just got one question. Where'd you guys get the dog-tags and the parachute?

Oh, that was Major Murdock.

Radar

Who?

Hawkeye

Who's Major Murdock?

You know. Tall, skinny fella. Tuttle's replacement.

Hawkeye

[realizing] Oh, yeah! I had breakfast with him this morning.

What a mess. Stomach, kidney, liver...

Hawkeye

What is that, an organ recital?

Fifty bucks.

Hawkeye

I left my pockets back in the Swamp!

Hawkeye

[to Henry] We're here to report a pair of missing Longjohns.

[also to Henry] Which we own and you are wearing.

Henry

Can you identify them?

Hawkeye

I've got a better idea. How about you identify them? [Trapper covers Henry's eyes] Without looking.

Henry

Well they're long...

And they're johns... they must be his.

[Upon seeing Frank in the longjohns.] Look at what the giant rodent has on his body.

Hawkeye

Supparating pustules, if there's any justice. [to Frank] Where'd you get those longjohns!

Frank

Wouldn't you like to know!

Hawkeye

[picks up empty gas can and prepares to swing at Frank.] Those are mine you hermaphroditic weasel!

Frank

Possession is 9/10 of the law, Pierce. And I'm sleeping with a loaded baseball bat under my pillow, so don't try anything!

Hawkeye

If I didn't think it would keep you warm, Frank, I'd come over there and beat you to a pulp. Say your prayers, Frank, or the tooth fairy may come and knock out all your teeth!

Psst! Psst!

Hawkeye

You spring a leak?

Hawkeye

Can't you guys do that somewhere else?

Why don't you do what you're doing somewhere else?

Hawkeye

I'm not doing anything!

Well, you can do that anywhere, can't you?

Call us if you need us.

Hawkeye

Yeah, but don't need us.

Frank Burns

What is that?

What is what, Frank?

Frank Burns

Why is someone's appendix in my boot?

Hawkeye Pierce

Because the other one is full of tonsils, Frank.

Frank

[After entering the Swamp] Pigpen. Brothel!

Hawkeye

Here, sir!

Yo!

Hawkeye

Looks like a pregnant bagpipe.

Do bagpipes get pregnant?

Hawkeye

Sure they do, right after they make those funny sounds.

Hawkeye

Did you see that?

What?

Hawkeye

A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.

Hawkeye, did you see that?

Hawkeye

What did you see?

A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.