Kelly Bundy quotes from Married... with Children

Cherry cheesecake for Herr Bundy.

Kelly

Well. I'm a Bundy and I have hair... okay.

I wanted to meet the man who loved my cheesecake so much.

Kelly

Bye! [slams the door in his face]

Kelly

Daddy, who made you this meat?

Al

Well, back then, we called her "Mother." See kids, "Mother" meant "home-cooking" back then. Of course, back then, "gay" meant "happy".

Kelly

Daddy, you notice there weren't any garbage cans outside?

Al

Well, a lot of places these days are into recycling, honey.

Bud

I'll do the thinking for the both of us and you do the working for the both of us. And we'll split 30-70.

Kelly

Wait a second, wait a second. I'm doing all the work, right? So it's 30 for me.

Peg

I'll check his underwear. After all, he has only one pair. Now, Bud, you take the closet.

Kelly

Appropriate for you, Bud.

Peg

And Kelly, honey, you take the back seat of the car.

Bud

Appropriate for you, Kel.

Kelly

Mom! Bud's got more fingers then I do.

Peg

Did you count both hands, honey?

Kelly

Oh.

Jefferson

Oh, hey, Al! Man, you should see your daughter hustle p...

Al

Say goodnight, Super Fly.

Kelly

[comes back from the bathroom] Daddy, what are you doing here?

Al

Stand back, Pumpkin. He's about to pop and you don't want teeth and eyes all over you.

Al

How long was I out?

Kelly

Six hours.

Al

Why didn't you call 911?

Kelly

I couldn't remember the number.

Al

Kids, just one quick question and that's it. Is your mother...

Bud

Repulsed by you?

Kelly

Disappointed financially and sexually by you?

Al

No. I don't care about that, you dolts. Is she pregnant? And Marcy?

Kelly

Do you think he's crazy?

Bud

He must be. He didn't ask about you.

Bud

I'm really gonna take the advice of someone's who's fooled by every single disguise of the Trix Rabbit.

Kelly

Yeah, like you know who he is before his ears flop out.

Kelly

Hi Dad. How was Florida?

Al

Oh, you know, hot, muggy, kitschy. What I expected.

Bud

Did you bring anything back?

Al

Only thing I could think of. Say hello to our new houseguest, Mr. Byrnes.

Hey kids, I got a treat for each of you!

Al

Care to tell me who those men camping out on my front lawn are?

Kelly

Oh, that is just Anthrax, Daddy. They ate Mom's mystery pack so the Red Cross quarantined them to our house for six months.

Al

Swell. I can only imagine what ungodly music I will be made to bear for the next six months.

Hey, this really rocks!

Kelly

Maybe we're worrying about nothing, I mean, maybe he'll come home in a good mood.

Al

Why doesn't the world die?

Kelly

I got invited to a party!

Bud

A party?

Kelly

You know when you line up your toy soldiers and put a cupcake in front of each of them? Kind of like that, only this is with real people, Bud!

Bud

Oh hearty har har. Who invited you?

Kelly

Must be a frat party. The return address says "Alpha".

Bud

Kel, this is not a fraternity. Alpha is an elite organization of people with IQs of a certain percentile. I got rejected from this!

Peg

We're in trouble. Daddy's watching Shenandoah.

Bud

No, not the one where Jimmy Stewart beats all odds to preserve his family.

Kelly

You know when they crank up the theme song, Dad's gonna blow like a geyser.

Peg

Can we just skip through the speech, Al, and get straight to the punishment that you will inflict upon us for being your family? What is it this time, honey? You gonna get out the horseshoe set? Boys against the girls bocce? (with dread in her voice): Oh, no, Al. Not the "Boo-Hoo with You-Know-Who At The Zoo".

Bud

At least I have a little intellectual curiosity. (to Kelly): And I wasn't the one pointing at the leopard yelling, "How many animals died for that coat?"

Kelly

Well, at least I didn't pull my pants down and moon the monkeys.

Bud

Well, at least I didn't turn her in.

Kelly

Well, at least I didn't ask the girl chimp to my prom.

Kelly

That's sick! That's sick!