Peg quotes from Married... with Children

Kelly

Daddy, we don't have any food.

Al

My underwear has no elastic. (jerks a thumb at Peg): Take it up with June Cleaver over here.

Peg

So who died and made me mom?

Al

You know, you can learn a lot about someone going through their safe. I wonder if Steve knows that the house is only in Marcy's name.

Peg

And I wonder if Marcy knows that Steve's mother is the beneficiary on his life insurance.

Al

You know, we may not have much, but at least we don't keep secrets from each other.

Peg

You said it, Al. (both of them turn away, worried about their respective untold secrets)

Peg

Okay Al, let's go over this one more time. What do you work as?

Al

Garbageman.

Peg

How often do we do we make love?

Al

Five times a year.

Peg

It's five times a week, Al.

Al

Oh, come on, Peg, no one's going to believe that.

Peg

I'm not asking you to do it. Just say it. Okay, now, how many children have we got?

Al

None.

Peggy. Peggy Wanker, don't bother to thank her.

Peg

Connie. Connie Bender, bring a friend, it won't offend her.

Al

I don't care what anyone says. I'm holding onto my dream 'til the bitter end.

Peg

Oh, God. Now I am depressed. I thought this was the bitter end.

Peg

I didn't marry a happy man.

Al

No, you did, Peg. You just turned him into me.

Kelly

Uh, Mom? Is this truly the end? 'Cuz, if it is, I'm not walking him.

Peg

Don't worry, honey. If Daddy the dog is anything like Daddy the man, he'll just tuck a newspaper under his paw and lock himself in a tree for an hour.

Peg

Honey, take a picture of me so you can remember me when I was beautiful.

Al

What, you're gonna get worse?

Peg

Al, nobody wants to peep me. Hold me!

Al

Well nobody wants to hold you either.

He peeped me last night!

Peg

He peeped YOU??

Yes, it was horrible!

Al

But how was it for you?

Peg

Which brings us to a little promise you made just last spring...

Al

Sex again. Peg, we've been married for seventeen years. Now can't we just be friends?

Peg

No! I don't like you, I just want to have sex with you.

Peg

You know, you got a lot of nerve. Did I come over your house when you won the "Woman in Banking" award?

Marcy

Yes, you did. And you stole a whole chicken.

Peg

Yeah, but least I didn't wiggle my butt in front of it when I did it.

Kelly

Mrs. Rhoades, you look lovely this evening.

Marcy

Why, thank you Kelly.

Kelly

Can you give me $175 so I can go to a rock concert?

Marcy

I wouldn't loan my own daughter $175. (to herself): Hopefully, I'll like her.

Peg

Kelly, how many times do I have to tell you: Mommy's friends are to loan Mommy money.

Peg

Kelly, I didn't want to say anything to the girls, but I saw you cheating. You know what you have to do.

Kelly

(sighs): Yes, Mommy. (beat): The usual 50%

Peg

Let's make it 60, just to teach you a lesson.

Peg

Kelly, can't your dates just honk the horn like they did in my day?

Kelly

Hey look, it's Buck!

Peg

Didn't he go camping with the boys?

Kelly

(notices the letter) He's carrying something in his mouth.

Peg

I guess he'll give it to us when he's good and ready.

Bud

Hey, Mom, do you think Dad is cheating on you?

Peg

Oh, of course not!

Bud

Good, because we don't want to see you and Dad break up. We're almost like a family here.