Al Bundy quotes from Married... with Children

Peg

So Al, you were staring at that girl too?

Al

Yeah...

Peg

I bet she had great legs.

Al

Yeah...

Peg

And good breasts.

Al

Yeah...

Peg

Do you wanna come upstairs?

Al

Yeah... Wait a minute--with you?

Peg

Oh, yeah!

Al

...Okay.

Steve

I feel unworthy of someone like Marcy.

Al

Yeah, she is a special person. By the way, here is her wedding ring that she lost down some guy's jock in a strip club last night. Anyway, how do you like those Bears this year?

Steve

Wait a sec, Al. What's this about Marcy's wedding ring?

Al

Oh yeah, yeah, ah...it was returned to me by the stripper whose underpants it was wedged in.

Steve

WHAT?!

Al

A stripper who called himself "Zorro" came to deliver the ring to me, said he got a message it belonged to Marcy.

Steve

I cannot believe this.

Al

Do not get upset at all this. Look at it as a "Get Out of Jail Free" card.

Steve

What do you mean?

Al

Use it next time Marcy is really angry at you. For example, she could be having one of her women's meetings and you could come in and say something like "12 women in the house and the dishes are dirty?" Then they all start getting mad at you. Then you just smile, pat your pocket, and make the sign of the Z.

Al

I'll bet this whole thing comes to [looks at bill] 253!!! Family meeting!

Al

The whole family!

Kelly

I'm on the phone.

Al

[picks up phone] I said family meeting.

Al

[examining the bill] Let’s see what else we have here. Sports hotline, sports hotline, sports hotline, those are ok. Wait a second, wait. Vancouver $80. Kelly?

Kelly

Oh, sure, all eyes turn to me. Well, let me ask you this. If I did know somebody in Vancouver, don’t you think I’d be living with them and not here?

Al

True enough. Bud?

Bud

America First, Dad.

Al

[starts to get up] How 'bout it, Peg? Your mother gotten so fat she's spread across the border?

Peggy

Al, I did not call Vancouver. And Mom is down to nearly 200.

Al

Hey, Steve? [chuckles] You know that two feet, three inches? Well, it was just big enough that a cop spotted me and gave me another ticket for a broken tail-light.

Steve

Well, I warned you, Al.

Al

[chuckling] Yeah, oh yeah. You know, me and you just have to go hunting one day. Yeah, I'll get you a pair of antlers to wear.

Al

Well, a special thanks to everyone who didn't get up this morning to drive me to work.

Bud

That's my bike. I reported it stolen.

Al

Well, I'll get arrested for that tomorrow. Today I just got a ticket for a broken tail-light.

Steve

Hey, Al. Why aren't you at the race track?

Al

The same reason I'm not out dating sleazy blondes. I'm married with children.

Al

What is the big rush about getting a license? I mean, do you think that driving a car is glamorous?

Kelly

Well, it's not as glamorous as hitching with pervos, but I still want to drive.

Al

Well, what about the bus?

Peggy

Al, did you have to come home?

Al

Well, the summer place is all closed up, the yacht's in dry-dock, so I thought: what the hell, let's spend the night at the ghetto home!

Peg

I have never been so humiliated. In front of everyone, you told Sister Mary Alice: "Bless this, honey!"

Al

Hey, I might not know all the religious gestures, but I recognize the one she gave to me.

Al

Hey Peg! I got you something that's gonna make your life much easier.

Peg

You got a night job?

Al

No, I already got one of those. It's called getting in bed with you.

Peg

Well then, you've been missing work.

Al

Did you hear something on the news?

Peg

Yes, as a matter of fact. They said that the sun was going to supernova and we should have sex before the end comes.

Al

I got no time, Peg. I gotta go looting!

I wanna sit on your lap.

Al

[dressed as Santa] All right, but make it quick. Santa has hemorrhoids.

Al

No, no, Nestor. Despite what your mom says, Mr. Bundy doesn't sprout a tail at midnight. But here's a special gift for you: Tell your dad to come home around the time when Mr. Mailman has a special delivery for Mommy. That'll be a real Yuletide treat for Dad.

What do I get?

Al

A new home, and a fresh new Mommy.

Al

Greatest hobby in the world and women just don't get it.

Peg

No, what I just don't get is sex.

Al

That'll be Bud's new hobby.

Peg

Sex?

Al

No! Baseball cards.