Al Bundy quotes from Married... with Children

No! Look, you don't seem to understand me. I want something that goes with this dress.

Al

A bubbling cauldron?

You've got a lot of nerve.

Al

I need it to get this close to your feet.

Peg

Oh, another fishing catalog. What am I looking at, Al? The apron that says, "He catches 'em, I cook 'em. He eats 'em, I love him"?

Al

Nah, you'd wear it, but you wouldn't mean it. No, I was talking about the five-and-a-half-foot meteor-graphite bait casting rod, with the high-speed star drag level wind reel.

Peg

[with mock excitement] Yippee skip! And a mere 275 dollars. Oh, Al, let's buy it. We can do without food and heat for a year.

Al

[surprised] You wouldn't mind?

Al

[to Peg] You can't have a VCR.

Marcy

What gives you the right to make that decision?

Al

Because the name on this check says "Al Bumby." [looks closer] Al Bumby? Well, that's not important. What's important is that I can cash it -- maybe -- because I earned it, and that's the bottom line.

Steve

So Al, how's Peggy's new job working out?

Al

(sarcastic) Oh, great Steve. Yeah, she's pulling a clear $90 a week. Of course, she spent $400 a week. Yeah, she needed a new smock at Mulden's. Of course, she needed some new clothes and she wanted some new shoes.

Steve

Well, that's no problem. You sell shoes.

Al

No, she wanted good shoes. Well, I figured if she keeps working any longer, we'll be living in the gutter. But actually, I won't be living in the gutter. I'll be in prison for killing your wife!

Steve

Well, before you go down that long, lonesome road, Al. Why don't you try this? Ask Peggy to quit.

Al

No, I can't do that! Well, see the truth is, I like having her at home.

Steve

Well, she love to hear that.

Al

Yeah, I'm sure she would. But, I'm not going to tell her. Cause, I would have nothing to complain about and I like complaining. Nah, if I got her to quit, she'd lord it over me for the rest of my life. Yeah, she'd say "I wanted to work, but you want me home. Now I'm home, so shut up!". And that would be the end of all my fun in the marriage. Nah, I got to think of another way.

Steve

Ah, gee, Al, I don't like to butt into your business...

Al

No, go ahead. Pretend you're your wife.

Al

Luke, how can you go around and sleep with every woman you meet?

I don't know, but I do.

Marcy

How long does it take to dry a dress?

Peg

In the machine's defense, Al fixed that too.

Al

I have an announcement: "Shut up."

Anything else I can do for you?

Peg

Al, maybe she can bend down again and pick up your tongue.

Al

Peg, just stand there and age. I'm busy.

Peggy

Al, Honey, you promised this year we could take a real vacation. Y'know, someplace where we don't look out our windows and see chain gangs working.

Al

C'mon, Peg. We still sing those songs we learned down there. But this year I found something really special. Look at this brochure, Peg. This place has everything Hawaii has. It's got sunshine, a palm tree, uh, quicksand... But the best part is it's in the United States.

Kelly

So are the sewers of Manhattan, Dad. Or am I spoiling next year's vacation?

And on a local note, tragedy was narrowly averted moments ago, when a sobbing woman and her two hysterical children were talked down from a ledge on the Sears Tower. It's believed to be the first family suicide attempt in Chicago history. The woman was quoted as sobbing, "Shoes! He sells shoes!"

Al

I'm home!

Steve

Listen, Al. Monday, when they check the duty roster, one word is gonna come down from above: Rhoades. And I will have one word for them: Bundy.

Al

Listen, Steve. I didn't take it!

Steve

AL! We're talkin' 20 to 50 with chainsaw killers. And don't think I'm servin' time alone, bunkie. If I'm going to be playing in the showers with maniacs, you're gonna be passing the soap!

Al

I can't believe it. Everybody in the world is making money.

Peggy

Oh, honey that's not true. You're not.

Al

Still mad at me 'cause I got you neutered?

What, do ya want me to dance for joy? Bring you a pipe and slippers? Roll over so you can rub my belly and see my shame?

Al

You know, I thought you were supposed to be more affectionate.

Yeah, right. Why don't you poke my eyes out? Maybe that'd do it?

Al

Wait a second, Peg. Why should I have to fix it? It wasn't me who said "Let's get a picture of your mother leaning up against the fence." It wasn't meant to support a 200-pound woman with a keg under each arm.

Peg

It made a nice picture, Al. Now look, the kids are getting old enough to realize that it is not really your part-time job to sit on the couch and test the weight of beer cans. And now you won't even fix the fence. Now what kind of example is that for them?

Al

Well, if we are an example to the kids, Bud will grow up and get a job that will slowly kill him. And Kelly, well, she'll grow up to believe that a two-income family is a house with two husbands.

Al

[staring at the butt of the repair-girl] Yeah, looks like two little kittens playing gently under some denim.

Steve

I think it looks more like an apple, Al.