Dewey quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Dewey?

Dewey

Daaaaaad!

Dewey? Where are you?

Dewey

I don't know! My garbage fort collapsed!

Can you breathe?

Dewey

Yes. But I don't want to!

S6 Standee

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You know that jerk across the road who's got it in for me?

Dewey

Which one? 'Parking Jerk' or 'Lawnmower Jerk'?

No! 'Christmas Jerk', Bill Randall! Every year that guy waits to see what Christmas decorations I put out and then finds a way to top it. I string lights, he strings better lights. I put out Frosty, he puts out an elf village. I put out Dracula, he does nothing and I look like a jackass! I mean, what kind of sick mind uses a religious holiday as a weapon?!

Dewey

Wait, which one's 'Call the Cops Jerk'?

That's like four of them!

S6 Pearl Harbor

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Abe

Thank you so much for letting us be a part of Dewey's birthday. You're enjoying your special day, son?

Dewey

I expect nothing, and I'm still let down.

S6 Kitty's Back

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Dewey

Reese just came up with the most fun thing to do. Riding your bike through the graveyard. With your eyes closed. He smashed into this one gravestone, flew through the air, hit another gravestone, and landed in an open grave!

Lying in that hole was surprisingly peaceful. I no longer fear death.

S6 Hal's Christmas Gift

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[singing] No one knows just what I've been through. I can't stop the pain inside me. Now I'm staring out my window. Children play, they seem so happy. Why are we here going nowhere? Why does my life feel so empty?

Dewey

[singing] Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow. Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow!

What are you doing?

Dewey

That's the "Meow Mix" song.

S6 Hal Sleepwalks

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Dewey

Jamie tries to kill Mom and we're the ones who have to clean it up? You want to tell me how that's fair?

You've got to give the kid some credit. It's the closest any of us actually ever came.

Dewey

Jamie wasn't really spawned by Satan, was he?

No. If he was, we'd have a way better house.

S6 Lois Battles Jamie

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[After Lois has noticed the boys about to deface a billboard]

[on the ground] OH MY GOD!

Dewey

Did you guys hear something?

What are you boys doing up there?!

It's Mom! [the boys try to flatten themselves against the billboard]

Dewey

How'd she know where to find us!?

I told you she's got tracking devices in our fillings! If you two geniuses had ripped them out like I did, we wouldn't be in this mess!

Dewey

Maybe she didn't see us.

[Yelling at the boys in the parking lot] Reese, Malcolm, Dewey, you get down here this instant!

[bad Spanish accent] Misses, I don't know who you thinking we are. Your boys are very different boys than we are being.

[the light turns on the stripper billboard; the boys back up and Lois rolls her eyes]

[afraid] Where's the back door for this thing?

[scared] It's a billboard!

Dewey

[terrified] We're so dead. This time she'll finish us!

S6 Billboard

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Check out that pig!

Dewey

You don't have to talk about them like that. They've been really nice to us.

Yeah, they really believe in this stuff.

That is such a load. Every woman down there is just here because they're jealous.

Of what?

Of the fact that they're not hot enough to be strippers. They act like they're all offended, but really they're just mad about their own giant butts. Believe me, in their heart of hearts, every woman wants to be her. [Points to the billboard girl]

What about Mom?

We're not talking about moms. We're talking about women.

So all women want to be strippers? There are no women in the world who want to be doctors or lawyers, or anything like that?

Cut the act, Malcolm. They can't hear you. Just because they look like dogs doesn't mean they hear like dogs.

Dewey

I'm sleeping on the other side. [He and Malcolm move away from him]

Come on, I was just being honest! [Scoffs] So whipped!

S6 Billboard

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[Lois has just picked up a paralyzed Hal from the hospital and brought him home, concerning the boys.]

What's wrong with him?

The doctors call it Hysterical Conversion Disorder. It's psychosomatic. Apparently he's paralyzed from the waist up.

The waist up?!

[Lois is frustrated as Hal moves around, clearly in distress]

Dad, what is it?

[Lois taps his head and he immediately calms down. He begins petting her leg with his foot.]

Dewey

I think he's thanking you.

S6 Living Will

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[Malcolm, Reese and Dewey are being menaced by a thug, but they don't know who he's after]

Dewey

God, he looks mad. Which one of us do you think he wants?

Reese, it's obviously you. That must have been his bike you super-glued to the train tracks!

We don't know that! You were pretty fast and loose with that dog-crap slingshot the other day! How do you know you didn't hit him?

[looks at Dewey] What about you? How many people did you convince to buy those algebra pills?

Dewey

You know, our lives would be a lot easier if we didn't all pull this crap at the same time!

I suggested a rotating calendar years ago and you guys ignored me. And here we are!

S6 No Motorcycles

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Dewey

Sorry I missed lunch. I was at the library and I forgot to look at the clock.

[interrupts] Do you think I'm an idiot?

Dewey

huh?

Do you think I don't know where you've been?

Dewey

What do you mean?

You think I wouldn't recognize the signs? Clean fingernails, good posture, cookie crumbs in your pockets – you're never hungry at dinnertime. You're seeing another mom.

Dewey

I don't know what you're talking about.

Don't lie to me!

Dewey

It's not what you think!

Who is she?

Dewey

Why does that matter?

Who is she?!

Dewey

Mrs. Finnegan.

[Lois looks away with a hurt look on her face]

Dewey

It doesn't mean anything! A couple weeks ago I stopped by her house, and she had her iron out. She was just so nice. And there was cake!

It'll be a long time before you get any cake around here.

Dewey

I wasn't expecting any.

After everything I've sacrificed for you, all I've done – you come waltzing in here day after day reeking of her fabric softener!

Dewey

Yes! I like fabric softener! Mrs. Finnegan doesn't mind taking a little time to stop the rinse cycle, and maybe its nice to have someone that's got more to say to me than just "Clean your room", "comb your hair"…

[pauses] Do you love her?!

Dewey

Of course not, it's just snacks.

Oh, you like her snacks. You like filling up on her cookies. You know they're store bought.

Dewey

That's beneath you, mom.

S6 Motivational Speaker

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Dewey: We gotta get out of here. Let's go call the police.

Francis

You're just gonna bail?

Dewey

You don't understand these kids. If I fix this problem, there's going to be a hundred more. It never stops with them!

Francis

Dewey, you don't get to choose the people who need your help.

S6 Buseys Take a Hostage

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FMr. Flerch

[Removes his duct tape from his mouth with his struggles and exposes Mr. Jeffers, the school principal at Dewey's school.] It was all his idea! I was just his obedient stooge. He dangled assistant vice principal in front of me. [sobs] It came with parking.

Dewey

I wonder who would get the worst penalty, a bunch of emotionally disturbed kids who tie up people for a while. Or the trusted public servant who forced them into slavery. We could ask a judge or everyone could keep quiet about everything.

Francis

[untying the two janitors] Is that all right with you guys?

[One of the janitors, Jorge whispers in Spanish to the other janitor (who understands what he's talking about) in regards to both Mr. Flerch and the school principal.]

JJanitor

That depends. Can we get five minutes alone with these guys before you untie them?

[Mr. Jeffers and Mr. Flerch are concerned as Dewey smiles.]

S6 Buseys Take a Hostage

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Dewey

We were just goofing around. I can't believe she took it seriously.

You're right, Dewey. Your mother actually believed her sons love her. What a moron!

S6 Mrs. Tri-County

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