[Dewey walks in on Malcolm and Reese planning to sneak off to Burning Man]
DeweyOh, God, Burning Man again? Every year it's the same thing. "This time we're totally going!" "Oh, yeah, totally!" And every year you chicken out with some pathetic excuse. My personal favourite was last year's "really bad Slurpee headache."
See? That is exactly the kind of ignorant talk I'd expect from someone who doesn't have any appreciation for what Burning Man is. A week of freedom out in the desert! Naked women! Getting back to your primal nature! Naked women! People doing art! Naked women!
Dewey
Are all the women naked? [Reese punches him] Oof!
That is all you heard, isn't it?
[Lois walks in as Hal and Dewey are locked in battle over using each other's vices. Dewey is drinking coffee and Hal is smoking cigarettes]
Dewey
[Drinking Coffee] MMMMMM. Rich roasted goodness. Suddenly, I'm in a French café.
[smoking a cigarette] Well I'm with two girls in a speedboat sucking down a smooth blend of fine tobaccos. Mmm.
[Catches Hal smoking] HAL!
[takes out his cigarette] Dewey's drinking coffee.
[He tries to get rid of the cigarette evidence by tossing it away. However to his dismay, Lois ignores Dewey for the moment. In her opinion, his drinking coffee doesn't equal to the type of punishment that she will inflict on Hal in breaking his promise by smoking in the house again.]
[Dewey holds up a jar of honey]
Dewey
Is that a bee?
That is how you know it's fresh. You won't find any bees in your store-bought honey, I'll tell you that much.
Dewey
Where did this come from?
Spoils of war, Dewey. You know that beehive in the tool shed I've been battling for months? Victory is mine.
Dewey
You did it yourself? [Hal nods]
Dewey
How'd you know how to do that?
It's instinctual. You see, human beings were born with everything they need to destroy bees. Except the poison. You have to buy that.
Dewey
I feel kind of sorry for the bees, though.
It's survival of the fittest, Dewey. If they had won, they'd be spreading us on toast right now.
Okay, what you need here is some sort of romantic gesture.
Dewey
What do you mean?
Just off the top of my head, you could send her a nice box of expensive chocolates.
Dewey
I'm not sure.
Too late. You already did. You just dropped off a big box on her front doorstep, rang the bell, and ran like hell. You also trampled some of her rose bushes. Congratulations, son.
FSFemale Security Agent
[to Lois] Ma'am, I need to touch your breasts.
You need to touch my what?
FSFemale Security Agent
I'm required to probe with the back of my hand. If you like, you can request up to 2 female witnesses. [putting on rubber gloves]
Let me understand this. Because I made a comment about first class, I am being singled out for a public feel-up?
Dewey
[yelling] Oh, for God's sake, Mom, just let her touch your boobs!
MMale Agent
The kid makes a lot of sense, ma'am. Now do you want to do this the easy way or the hard way? [More security agents surround her as she becomes enraged]
[Several minutes later, they wait for another flight]
OK, the tickets are changed. The next flight leaves in 15 hours.
Dewey
So I get no time to practice and no sleep tonight!
[Lois makes an embarrassed smile]
[at the computer] I can't wait until everyone at school finds out you got the kissing disease from mom, which will happen right about... [clicks a button on the computer's mouse] now.
I didn't kiss her; you saw it.
What I saw was you and Mom making out on the couch. Dewey?
Dewey
It was disgusting.
[frustrated] She licked her finger and touched my face!
Spare us the perv details.
[Reese and Dewey are watching T.V, and Reese is poking Dewey in the head]
Dewey
Mom, Reese is poking me.
(uncaring) That's it, you two. Either side of the couch. Now!
[Reese continues to poke Dewey with a plastic baseball bat]
Dewey
He's still poking me.
Resse, go to your room. I don't want you within 30 feet of him.
Reese, we have access to a car with no adult supervision. We can do whatever we want, and if we get caught? They'd blame Mom and Dad for being absentee parents. This is the perfect crime.
Dewey
I was thinking we could drive to the arcade.
Arcade? What are you, 12?
Dewey
Yeah.
[Cleaning up after the explosion of Reese's giant stinkbomb]
[furious] You know what? I'm glad. This is appropriate! Now my life looks exactly how I feel! How could you screw me over like that?!
Because you were going to take that job, and we are not going to let you throw your life away!
How is being rich throwing my life away?!
Because it's not the life you're supposed to have! The life you're supposed to have is you go to Harvard, and you earn every fellowship and internship they have! You graduate first in your class and you start working in public service- either district attorney or running some foundation- and then you become Governor of a mid-size state and then you become President.
I'm sorry, son. It's true. [Malcolm looks at his brothers, who all nod in agreement]
Our expectations started out much smaller, but you just kept upping the ante.
What if I don't want to be President?!
It's too late for that, you're gonna do it!
[sarcastic] Really?! Have you decided my position of capital gains tax cuts?! What are my foreign policy objectives?!
That doesn't matter. What does matters is that you will be the only person in that position who will ever give a crap about people like us! We've been getting the short end of the stick for thousands of years and I, for one, am sick of it! Now you are going to be President, mister, and that's the end of it!
Did it ever occur to you that I could have taken this job, gotten really rich and bought my way into being President?!
Of course it did. We decided against it.
Because then you wouldn't be a good President. You wouldn't have suffered enough.
I've been suffering all my life!
I'm sorry, but it's not enough. You know what it's like to be poor and you know what it's like to work hard. Now you're going to learn what it's like to sweep floors and bust your ass and accomplish twice as much as all the kids around you. And it won't mean anything because they will still look down on you, and you will want so much for them to like you and they just won't. And that'll break your heart, and that'll make your heart bigger and open your eyes, and finally you will realize that there's more to life than proving you're the smartest person in the world! I'm sorry, Malcolm, but you don't get the easy path. You don't get to just have fun and be rich and live the life of luxury.
Dewey
[gleeful] Really?
This is unbelievable! You actually expect me to become President?! No, no, I'm sorry- you expect me to be one of the greatest Presidents in the history of the United States!
You look me in the eye and tell me you can't do it. [Malcolm can only stand in silence]
Malcolm in the Middle · 549 quotes
