MMalcom
Reese has everything I want! I never have what I need! I don't even have my own bed! Why does everything in my life SUCK?!
DeweyYou owe me a new Spacefighter!
Shut up and get your own pen!
[Dewey yells and goes after Reese, but Malcom and Reese keep fighting]
Give me my pen! I'm warning you!
Ooh, I'm scared! What are you gonna do? What's the baby gonna do?
[Malcolm decks Reese with a punch.]
[Hal, Malcolm and Dewey stand over Reese, out cold on the floor.]
[astounded] Malcolm, you can take Reese?
No one's taking anybody! I can't believe you boys. [picks up Reese; Reese groans] Oh, my God, look at you! [Reese groans again] He better not need stitches! [Reese groans a third time] Yeah, like you weren't beggin' for it.
Dewey
Malcolm, in school we learned the coolest thing: there were these people that did this broadcast to convince everyone that aliens were landing. So what we do is wait for Reese to fall asleep, then we flash some lights outside his window then we go to the TV, but we'll have already made a tape...
Dewey, you're totally over-thinking this. Reese, aliens landed down the street!
[Runs in wearing a helmet and carrying a bat] Every man for himself! [runs out]
Dewey
Oh.
[Donnie is taken by surprise when his mother appears before him next to Dewey.]
DDonnie
Mom, wha... what are you doing here?
DSDonnie's Mom
Trying to hide how ashamed I am at your behavior and wondering where I went wrong.
DSDonnie's Mom
Your father and I tried to give you the best life possible and this is how we're paid back.
DDonnie
Mom, you don't own me. I make my own decisions.
DSDonnie's Mom
These are the decisions you make. This is the life you choose. Who's covering your shift at the Suit Outlet.
DDave
[smug] Dude, you are so busted!!!!
[Dave starts laughing shortly until his mother arrives. Francis, Reese and Malcolm are smug watching the whole thing.]
DSDave's Mom
Don't you be so smug, David Alan Ferguson. Believe me, every one of your step-fathers with hear about this.
DSDonnie's Mom
You say good-bye to your friends and you get in the car, RIGHT NOW!!!
[Donnie and Dave leaves with their mothers. The gang is so embarrassed and bail out of the garage fearing their own mothers will appear.]
Dewey
It feels so good to tell.
[Francis, Reese and Malcolm are grateful to Dewey for his actions in telling on Donnie and his gang to their mothers.]
Dewey
Like Pastor Roy said, how God is so much bigger and wiser than us, and trying to see what He's thinking would be like an ant trying to see what I'm thinking.
TTeacher
Yes, exactly. But we can trust in His wisdom, and have faith that He is watching over us.
Dewey
Like me with the anthill in my backyard. I spent days watching the ants, trying to figure out which ones were good, and which ones were bad, but they all just looked like ants, so I started smiting all of them.
TTeacher
Well that's not...
Dewey
I was smiting them with the garden hose, and with lighter fluid, and with the lawnmower, and to be perfectly honest, I think I went a little crazy with the shovel. Those ants could have been praying to me all day, I wouldn't have heard them. There was nothing they could do about it.
TTeacher
But, I don't think...
Dewey
Really, it's the same with us. There's nothing we can do about anything either, so why worry about it? Hey, this is making me feel better.
TTeacher
Well, that's...good, but...
Dewey
I guess all we can do is live our lives with as much kindness and decency as possible, and try not to dwell on God standing over us with a giant shovel. Bye!
[Leaves Teacher wondering, and looking up worrying about God's "giant shovel"]
[a baseball crashes through the window, Reese and Dewey come running in with baseball mitts.]
Dewey
Oh, no! Mom and Dad are going to kill us!
[A short time later, the baseball has been replaced by a rock with a note taped to it.]
[reading note] "Get out of our neighborhood. We hate your guts." It's either the Lustigs, the Andersons, the Coopers, or the Browns.
It's the Hacketts! Like this is going to bring their cat back to life?
Let's see how they like a taste of their own medicine.
[Reese and Dewey share a guilty look.]
[horrified] They put you in with the Buseys?
Dewey
[sarcastically] Yeah, it's real interesting! Today, we learned about our greatest enemies: Mr Matches and Mr Talk-out-of-turn! [angrily] Oh, and I also got to see a crane lower a flight simulator into the Krelboyne class!
Oh, my God! Does Mom know?
Dewey
You're still alive... so, no.
[Malcolm tries to keep Dewey out of the Krelboyne class.]
[to Dewey] Trust me, I'm the good brother. I'm the one who cares about you.
Dewey
But you beat me up and make fun of me.
Only when you're being annoying. Dewey, I'm serious. How can I make you understand? The coolest person in the class... was me!
Dewey
Okay, I'll do it.
[shows Malcolm a legal document.] Malcolm, we need to talk. I know we've been avoiding this, but it's time to face facts. You need to forge Dad's signature declaring Mom mentally incompetent. That way when Dad goes to jail, you can get emancipated and I'll take custody of Dewey and Jamie.
Dewey
Strange, I always figured Mom for jail and Dad for the loony bin. Life, huh?
I can't fake Dad's signature. I do Mom, Reese does Dad.
What?!? You should each be able to do both! What did I tell you about building a little redundancy into the system?
The Army. What do you expect from people who would give Reese a gun?
Oh, that's right, it's the Army's fault that your brother gets killed.
Now Lois, we can't blame Malcolm for stealing Reese's girl and causing this whole mess in the first place.
Kids his age are nothing but raging hormones and hideous self-involvement. They are all immoral little creeps.
Don't defend him, Hal. Just help me make dinner.
Dewey
Great, angry meatloaf. Thanks a lot.
[to audience] I don't have to worry about Reese. All he has to do is lay low and not do anything stupid... Oh, God.
[Malcolm and Dewey show their lists of "Mean Things Reese Did" to each other]
"Lighter Fluid Donut." That's worse than stealing a girlfriend, right?
Dewey
I don't know. Were you in love for the first time with that donut?
Shut up, Dewey! I had every right. In fact, I owe him!
Dewey
So you're saying if he dies, then you'll be even?
I didn't say he was going to die!
Dewey
Malcolm, he almost killed himself with Bisquick once.
I'm just saying he deserves whatever he gets. [Sighing] No, he doesn't. That's something that Reese would say. I'm not Reese. Just because he's horrible doesn't mean I have to be. I'm better than that.
Dewey
Wow, for a brother-killer, you sure are conceited.
What are you trying to do?
Mom hasn't made you do any of the crap she's made us do. Why's she being so nice to you?
Dewey
Because for the last three days, I haven't done anything wrong. You see, Mom doesn't yell and scream at us because it's the only way she knows how to talk; she does it because we do stuff that's bad. And if you don't do anything, she doesn't get mad at you. You understand? It's not her, it's us.
[pause]
Malcolm in the Middle · 549 quotes
