Hal quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Hal

You've been stealing money from the church?!

Reese

And maybe some... merchandise.

Hal

Oh! You boys have been taking stereos, toys! Is that cheese?! Oh! I need to sit! [He collapses onto the mattress and sees more stolen donations under the bed.] Oh! Oh, my God!

Malcolm

Dewey, get a washcloth!

Hal

My boys are thieves!

Hal

You stole... AIR?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, BOYS?! Do you ever stop and think of the consequences of anything you do?! Do you realize the shame that you're gonna bring upon our entire family? DO YOU?!

Reese

Forget that, what's Mom gonna say?!

Hal

OH, DAMN!

Dewey

It's God! He found Us!

Hal

It's not God, Dewey! It's just my crappy car. Although in a larger sense, he could've helped out my career a bit from time to time. Throw a promotion my way, once in a while. So maybe you're right, it is God!

Malcolm

Hey, I don't want to scare anybody. But this is the street mom takes home from work and she gets off in 10 minutes!!!

Reese

Hey Mom, Hey Dad.

Lois

What is wrong with you?! Look at that floor!

Reese

Sorry.

Lois

How many times have we told you not to track mud into this house?

Malcolm

We'll clean it up.

Lois

That's not good enough. You're grounded for a week!

Reese

What?

Malcolm

You can't do that! Those are just footprints!

Lois

You wanna be grounded for two weeks?!

Malcolm

Dad!

Hal

You heard your mother!

Reese

This is ridiculous! You're being totally unfair! Just because Malcolm tracked mud on the floor doesn't mean we should be grounded!

Lois

Go to your room!

Lois

How dare you! How dare you defy us like that!

Malcolm

Well we wouldn't have had to if you've hadn't been ridiculously hard about a little mud on the floor!

Lois

You two are the most ungrateful, badly-behaved, inconsiderate boys ever born! How could you be so heartless?

Reese

What is heartless about going to a party with a bunch of slutty girls?

Malcolm

Keep it cool!

Hal

You were at a party? While we were here worrying?

Dewey

[calm] Can I have a napkin?

Hal

I cannot believe you two!

Lois

Oh, that's it! You're grounded for the rest of the school year!

Reese

You can't do that!

Malcolm

You're crazy!

Hal

You do not talk to your mother that way, ever! You will show her the love and respect she deserves, whether I am here or not!

Reese

This family sucks! You're ruining our lives! I wish you were dead!

Malcolm

What was that all about?

Reese

I dunno. Usually, she just says "I'm taking you with me!"

Lois

Who did this?! Who did this!

Hal

Drop and roll honey!

Lois

WHO DID THIS!!!!!!

Hal

For God's sake, honey. Drop and roll.

Reese

Yes.

Malcolm

That's 14-13.. We're up. Game point.

Hal

Well, I have to say you boys have put up a good fight which is just going to make it all the more painful when I crush you like bugs. Score, yeah! Whoops. Ha, tie game. Next basket wins. My ball.

Malcolm

We have to do the play.

Reese

We can't. We only practiced it once.

Dewey

It won't work.

Malcolm

It will work. We just got to believe.

Hal

It's go time, ladies.

Dewey

The future is now, old man.

Hal

What do you think? This or this?

Lois

What are you doing?!

Hal

This is an important function. It's a company picnic. Attended by my new boss whom I haven't met yet. Gotta start off on the right foot.

Lois

You're making too much of this.

Hal

No, I am not! You have to make a good first impression. It sets the tone for the relationship.

Hal, this is your new supervisor, Miss Plum.

Great to meet you, Hal. I'm looking forward to working with you.

Hal

Same here, and what do we have here?

My big fat stomach.

I'd like you to meet my staff, but I'm not sure where they are.

Hal

It is great to meet you, Mr.Jacobson. I want you to know I'm gonna do a terrific job for you.

Great, have you met my daughter and son-in-law?

Hal

No, I haven't .

Kelly? Steve? I want you to meet somebody.

Hal

Hi. I'm Hal.

Hi, so nice to... [Hal tries to shake her hand, but she hits her head on the catering table and falls to the ground.] Oh, my God! There's a toothpick in my eye!

She's gushing blood! Somebody put a tourniquet on her neck!

I'm outside of my body. I can see a light. Grandma, is that you?

You son of a bitch! I'll chew off your face, spit it out and dance on it! I'm gonna kill you! (The other employees start fighting to Hal) I'm gonna drag your carcass to the street. She's got a toothpick in her eye!

Hal

You've emancipated yourself, remember? You can't come running back to your parents for money at the first sign of trouble anymore!

Francis

I'm not running to my parents. I'm calling as one adult to another for an adult... loan.

Hal

No, no. You've made whatever mess you've made, and you take care of it.

Francis

I have been taking care of it! I already got Big Red to cut me the lumber in exchange for a pair of fur-lined boots. I got my friend Pete to make the boots, but only because I promised him a new set of teeth. And as you probably know, teeth don't come cheap! Now, that's where you come in-

Hal

I don't understand it! An entire roast, with your bare hands?! The–the–the–the salad, the potatoes, the–the green beans?! What do you have to say for yourself?

Dewey

I was hungry, I guess.

Reese

This is great. Let's tell them about the dog and really nail his coffin shut.

Malcolm

Not yet. I have a hunch.

Hal

An entire stick of butter?!

Reese

Now, lets tell them now.

Malcolm

Wait for it.

Hal

Wait a sec. How could you eat a candle?

Dewey

[Takes candle stick from Hal's hand and eats it.] I like candles. i think they're good.

Hal

That's it, you are going to the hospital and getting your stomach pumped.

Hey, are the two boys still stuck in the tiger pit?

Uh, no, I must be picking up a transmission from the zoo down the street!

Hal

Malcolm and Reese?

Lois

Malcolm and Dewey. Reese wouldn't last thirty seconds.

Malcolm

[to the camera] We had to get out of there pretty fast; for our own safety. It was unbelievable. We drove three blocks before Aunt Claire let go of the door handle!

Lois

I am so very disappointed in all of you. I don't care what those people did, that was no way for you to behave. Right, Hal?

Hal

Yeah, you boys are on notice. If you ever drive a golf cart over a catered dinner and into a swimming pool again, there will be consequences–Dire consequences.

Lois

I should've told the doctor to sew furs and tails on you boys because you're animals! Only animals are easier because then I can have you FIXED!

Hal

[Facing Malcolm and Reese] For all the good it does, you're grounded again!

Malcolm

Thanks a lot for getting me grounded on my birthday!

Reese

Oh boo hoo, I was grounded on my birthday!

Malcolm

I was just standing up for myself! There is such a thing as justice, you know?!

Reese

Well, there is such a thing as "Shut up"!

Lois

Stop it. Malcolm, do you remember what you did for your birthday last year?

Malcolm

Nothing. I was grounded then, too.

Lois

[to Reese] And what about your birthday?

Reese

You grounded me after I smashed Malcolm's face into the cake.

Lois

And your birthday before that?

Malcolm

Pretty much this.

Reese

[to Malcolm] Wait. When did you push me off the pony?

Hal

Don't you think certain actions should be reconsidered?

Ida

Yes, yes of course. [Hal and Lois sigh in relief] You should settle.

Hal

What?!

Lois

Mom!

Ida

It's for your own good. If you can't keep your legs closed for 20 minutes, at least take good advice when you hear it!

Reese has everything I want! I never have what I need! I don't even have my own bed! Why does everything in my life SUCK?!

Dewey

You owe me a new Spacefighter!

Reese

Shut up and get your own pen!

Give it to me!

Reese

Why don't you just die?!

Malcolm

Give me my pen! I'm warning you!

Reese

Ooh, I'm scared! What are you gonna do? What's the baby gonna do?

Lois

MALCOLM?!

Hal

[astounded] Malcolm, you can take Reese?

Lois

No one's taking anybody! I can't believe you boys. [picks up Reese; Reese groans] Oh, my God, look at you! [Reese groans again] He better not need stitches! [Reese groans a third time] Yeah, like you weren't beggin' for it.