Hal quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Lois

The tape is wrong. (gets up and leaves)

Malcolm

Dad?

Hal

You heard your mother. The tape... is... OH! (gets up towards Lois)

Craig

But...

Hal

Uh Uh. Not one single word.

Malcolm

[To audience] Nothing like two days in the hospital to make you appreciate your own home.

Reese

Gimme that!

Lois

Oh my God! Look at Malcolm's hospital bill! I can't imagine how much it would've cost if he'd actually gotten the surgery.

Hal

Well, there goes our summer vacation.

Dewey

So we have to pay, even though he was faking?

Malcolm

I wasn't faking! I was the one who found out they were wrong.

Reese

Well, if you're so smart, why didn't you figure it out sooner?

Hal

Well, son, would you like to field that one for us?

Malcolm

[To audience] Nothing like ten seconds at home to make you appreciate the hospital!

Malcolm

Mom, my stomach hurts.

Reese

So does mine!

Malcolm

I'm not kidding, it's really sore.

Reese

Owwwww... it hurts.

Malcolm

Shut up, Reese.

Reese

I see spots! Mommy!

Lois

Alright! That's enough! I don't care what assignment you didn't do or what test you didn't study, you're still going to school.

Hal

You know, now you mentioned it...

Lois

Everybody's going!

Hal

Dewey, don't be frightened, but there's a spider next to you.

Dewey

Yeah, Dad. There's always a spider on Bacon Day.

Malcolm

I have to prove Kepler's Third Law of Motion.

Hal

What's Dewey doing?

Malcolm

Coloring.

Hal

I better get in there.

Hal

Reese, do you know what empathy is?

Reese

No.

Hal

Well, empathy is putting yourself in other people's shoes so you can feel what they do. If you hurt someone, empathy makes you hurt as well.

Reese

Then why would you want empathy?

Hal

[turns away to Lois, stunned] He has no more sense of right and wrong than a tree-frog!

Hal

[goes back to a photo booth near the door] Reese, get out of the photo booth.

Reese

You probably want your privacy. I'll get out of your way.

Dewey

Why Can I go bowling too?

Lois

Because you are spending the night in your room. You are being punished and tomorrow you're going town to the store and buy Mrs. MacNabb a new parakeet.

Dewey

Aww Dad!

Hal

Don't look at me. As far as you boys are concerned, your mom and I are a united front.

[Home side] So how'd it go?

[Bowling side] Next time, you take them.

There's no sign of forced-entry. You don't have any idea how they could have got inside?

Hal

It's a mystery.

Dewey

You left the window open.

Hal

...Mystery solved!

What are you doing here again?

Hal

We're watching the owner's cat.

I don't see a cat.

Hal

We're not doing a very good job.

Francis

Sir, his shirt just came untucked when he was hugging his father. You can't yell at him for hugging his father.

Hal

Francis!

Commandant Spangler

On no, I'm glad you saw this because this is exactly what I was talking about. Always underminding my authority, day in, day out. It's the same thing. Like when I made Cadet Dooley do 600 laps of the perimeter for an inside-out pillow case violation, Francis organizes a sit in. Or when I cut off the electricity in the 5th floor for contraband boom-box, he hijacks a generator for them. The boy lives to cause chaos.

Francis

He was hugging his dad!

Commandant Spangler

In front of his father he still defies me at every turn.

Hal

And everytime something like this happens, he challenges you.

Commandant Spangler

Every time.

Hal

Even though he knows he'll get in trouble.

Commandant Spangler

That doesn't seem to matter to him at all.

Hal

I understand.

Commandant Spangler

(turns to Francis) I will deal with you, later.

Hal

Let the machine get it.

Francis

Hello, it's Francis. Mom, dad, pick up. I'm in the emergency room and the doctors think they will save my leg when they...

Lois

Francis, are you okay?

Francis

Ha! Screening your own child. Fine parents you are.

Lois

Honey, what's wrong?

Francis

The fact that I have to resort to lies to get you to talk to me . That's what wrong.

Lois

What do you want, Francis?

Francis

I don't know, it's Saturday night. I thought I could call and say hi.

Lois

Can we call you later? Dad and I are kind of busy right now.

Francis

Alright, let me talk to my brothers.

Lois

They're not here.

Francis

Then what are you...ew...oh...

Kitty

Stevie! Stevie! Stevie! Stevie! Stevie! Stevie! Stevie!...

Lois

Kitty, you have to leave a little room between your Stevies or you won't be able to hear him yell back.

Kitty

I'm sorry, I'm just a little nervous. I don't have as much experience with my child being in mortal danger.

Lois

Okay, just calm down. You have to focus on something positive like we're how going to punish them.

Kitty

How can I focus on anything when Stevie's out there being lost and scared?

Lois

I understand how you're feeling, Kitty. I'm concerned. We're all concerned.

Hal

Abe, this van is a palace. How much was it?

Abe

Not as much as you think. When I bought the DVD player and the flat screen monitor in the GPS system for free.

Kitty

Stevie!...Stevie!... Stevie...

Lois

[looking at a letter concerning Francis] Oh my GOD!!!!

Hal

What is it?

Lois

It's Francis. He quit school. He's on his way to Alaska!

Hal

That's impossible. He can't take himself out of school. He has to have our permission.

Lois

No, he doesn't! [Shows Hal and the boys a legal document] He got himself legally emancipated!