Hal quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Lois

[resigned] I'll put on the coffee.

Hal

[looks out the window] It's Hanson; make decaf. [waves to the cops]

Hal

Malcolm can take care of himself.

Craig

You're right. He's a genius ... which would make him attractive to rogue elements in our secret weapons programs. How long before some government scientist picks him up and surgically attaches him to some animal?

Reese

What do we need a babysitter for?

Hal

Because I want the house to be where I left it.

Lois

What makes you think I am going to die first?

Hal

Honey, you have that kind of personality. You operate at a very high level of stress.

Hal

Why do we have to do this in the middle of the night anyway?

Lois

I will not have the boys see ups writing a will. If they start thinking about a future without us, we'll totally lose control.

Hal

I'm telling you Lois, we are not equip to deal with these issues. We get into a giant, stupid fight every time we work on the will.

Lois

Hal, the last time we tried this was 10 years ago.

Hal

And it lead to a fight. You called me thin skinned and overly sensitive.

This is a terrible idea.

Malcolm

No, this is just what you need. Remember? A job, people, a life?

But why here?

Malcolm

Because this is the only guy I know that would trade a job interview for a Hong Kong Phooey lunchbox.

Lois

I'm Because I Need To Stop Gaining Weight I've Turned Into A Gigantic Fat Cow.

Hal

Oh You Have Not.

Lois

Even The Doctor Said So.

Lois

What on earth are you doing?

Malcolm

I have to practice being in a wheelchair...

Hal

I suppose that makes sense. You'll never know... all it takes is one horrible accident and you end up in one of those for the rest of your life.

Malcolm

Just for basketball...

Hal

That's the spirit!

Hal

Lois, You're moving to China?

Lois

I know. Chickens in the street, children in the sweatshops, everyone smokes. It's a dream come true.

Hal

If he still has his teeth and is good in bed, why wait? [Malcolm is disgusted.] Oh, I forgot, this one doesn't like girls.

Lois

Grandma, I'm not gay.

That's right, I'm just a liar.

Dewey

Oh, no! Mom and Dad are going to kill us!

Reese

I know what to do.

Hal

[reading note] "Get out of our neighborhood. We hate your guts." It's either the Lustigs, the Andersons, the Coopers, or the Browns.

Lois

It's the Hacketts! Like this is going to bring their cat back to life?

Hal

Let's see how they like a taste of their own medicine.

Lois

I'll get the car.

Lois

Reese, I really owe you some thanks for giving me some faith in myself. The next few days, I will be saying very little. I will be deciding on a punishment. Ideas are already popping into my mind, it's really very exciting! But I don't want to get hasty and leave either of us feeling dissatisfied!

Reese

Ow! Are you going to drag me all the way home?!

Hal

Well, we're taking your ear there. If the rest of you wants to come, that's fine, too.

Reese

Wait a second! You guys are talking about college for Malcolm and not me? I'm a year older than he is. Why aren't you taking me to look at colleges?

Hal

Well...son...

Reese

[Laughs] I'm just screwing with you! Relax!

Thanks so much for inviting me. I really needed something to take my mind off my love life.

Hal

Well, that's why God invented baseball,... and war.

Lois

Haven't you finished paying these bills yet?

Hal

How am I supposed to know which ones to blow off? "Ultimate Final Notice" is obviously more serious than "Absolute Final Notice," but pink is angrier than yellow, and this one's still saying, "Please."

Hal

Lois, we won the case! Now we can get our lives back to the way they were.

Lois

[getting angry] You didn't work on Fridays? After all the sacrifices I made for this family. For 15 years, I worked double shifts, drove carpools, cleaned the house, while you were FEEDING SHAMU!!!

Hal

Actually, it's Keiko 2. He's smaller, but you get just as wet in the front row. It's a really good show. Let's go. We should see it sometime.