Hal quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Reese

Does anyone want my baked potato? It's kind of burnt.

Hal

Reese, we didn't have any baked potatoes.

Hal

So, Dewey, how was school today?

Dewey

Mikey Duffy pushed me down today.

Hal

Well, did you push him back?

Dewey

No, he's bigger than me.

Hal

Uh-huh... Reese?

Reese

I'm on it.

YEAH!! ALL RIGHT!!

Hal

Well, I don't know about you, but I sure feel great. (The whole house is a wreck; Hal sighs) Okay, somebody go get the broom and dust pan.

Lois

And when I do, we are all gonna clean up this disaster of a closet. It's gonna be our new family project.

Hal

We've never finished our last family project.

Lois

Because it's in here under two tons of crap!

Malcolm

She had my ball.

Lois

You broke her arm for a ball?

Malcolm

No, I already had the ball. I just pushed her away.

Lois

You pushed her and broke her arm for a ball?

Hal

Was it a special ball, son?

Francis

You are the best dad, ever.

Hal

I am not. I'm a terrible dad. I never should've lied to you.

Francis

Well, the important thing is that this is all behind us and I've learned my lesson.

Hal

What's that?

Francis

That you are the best dad ever.

Hal

Francis, I don't feel much like talking right now. (hangs up while Dewey scrubs the phone)

Hal

Reese's report card, it is much better than last time.

Lois

Really?

Hal

Yeah, this time he used the exact same brand pen as the teacher to change his grade.

Lois

Look at that, he gave himself a "C" in math instead of "A+".

Hal

Yeah, it's subtle, nice attention to detail. He's really learning. Two months grounded?

Lois

3 months, scrubbing toilets.

Malcolm

You should have seen it, Mom. He made Dad cry.

Hal

The boy was cruel... but fair.

Lois

There's got to be 500 gallons of paint up there.

Hal

There isn't... yeah, that's about right.

Hal

This is good meat loaf. New recipe?

Lois

Nope. Same as it's always been.

Hal

Ah, come on.

Lois

Oh, you know what, I ran out of tomato sauce and used ketchup instead.

Hal

(filled with rage since he can't finish the painting) Fine! You want to see me finish it! I'll finish it!!! (picks up some paint and splashes it around the board) How about some here... and there... how about there??? (suddenly pauses and looks at the painting and fixes a few things and completes it)

Reese

Awesome!

Lois

Hal, I can't believe you did it. It's beautiful.

Hal

(happily) I did it!

Victor

Because of what just happened, you want us to loan you $3,000?

Hal

Please. I know you're uncomfortable loaning to family, so let me be clear. With one phone call, I could have your asses thrown in jail for child endangerment. So, this money I'm asking for, it's not a loan. It's blackmail.

Ida

He's like your cousin Vaslefdt all over again.

Hal

First off, I'm not here to try to sort out the complicated relationship you have with the woman I love. It's not my place. And I know it would be folly to try to put a price on the deep psychological trauma that you've caused Lois through the years. But let me take a stab at it anyway... $3,000 sound okay to you?

Victor

What?!

Hal

Well, that would pretty much cover the fridge, the collateral damage, pay off a few credit cards, and finally get the transmission fixed in my car.

Victor

Because of what just happened, you want us to loan you $3,000?

Hal

Please. I know you're uncomfortable lending to family, so let's be clear. With one phone call, I could have your asses thrown in jail for child endangerment. So, this money I'm asking for, it's not a loan. It's blackmail.

Ida

He's like your brother Vaslefdt all over again.

Lois

I am not taking traffic school.

Hal

Honey, if you don't take traffic school, you'll get a point in your license.

Lois

I'm not getting a point in my license because I'm taking this to court. I did nothing wrong and I got three eyewitnesses to prove it. They saw exactly what happened.

Lois

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...

Lois

Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack...

Lois

Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey...

You're right, mom!

Hal

I don't understand it. How can we get 16 unpaid parking tickets and not even know about it?

Francis

Mom, just calm down.

Lois

I was in jail, Francis. Jail, all because you didn't pay your parking tickets. How could you gotten 16 parking tickets?

Francis

It's not my fault, you keep me stuck here. When I come home, I have so much living to do, I don't have time to look for legal parking.

Lois

You listen mister. Your irresponsible behavior has finally caught up to you and you are going to suffer the consequences. You are paying those parking tickets.