Hal quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Hal

Now, I want to tell you what happens when a boy really, really likes a girl. And Dewey, I'll make this easy for you to understand. [looks around for toys and grabs a robot and a girl doll]

Malcolm

[to the camera] Oh, man! I still play with that.

Hal

You see, there's a certain thing that happens between normal healthy people. It's called chemistry. [accidentally fires toy gun from the robot] Well, that doesn't happen, except maybe the first time. But what does happen is this. [imitates robot] "I like you!" [imitates girl doll] "I like you, too!" [back to normal voice] ... and if they love each other and take their proper precautions, they'll have sex, but I've told you that already.

Dewey

[smiling] Not me.

Hal

Well, ask your brothers.

Hal

If the boy is from our family, it goes a little more like this... "I like you." "I HATE you!" "Now, I LOVE you!" "LEAVE ME ALONE! Your insane neediness is driving me away!" "Look at me! Look at me, I'm crazy! Pay attention to me! I'm an idiot, watch me crash and burn! Woop-woop-woop, whoo!"

Lois

Wait a minute...somebody stepped in something...oh my God...oh my God! What a mess! Reese, what did you roll in?

Reese

Aw, man! [After inspecting the wheels of his skate, he begins wiping it off on the corner of the table]

Hal

You have to admit, it is kind of funny. Yelling so loud you actually throw out your back?

Hal

[bursts into the room] Who wants to make five bucks?

Malcolm

How?

Hal

I need someone to take the fall.

Lois

[from downstairs] Oh, my God...

Malcolm

What did you do?

Hal

I can't tell you. Yes or no? No questions asked.

Lois

Oh, my God!

Malcolm

Make it ten.

Hal

Done.

Lois

Oh, my God!

Hal

[whispers] You're a good son. [drags Malcolm out by his collar] I got him, honey! I got him, don't worry!

Dewey

Live, live, die! [Picks up Playmobil man from table and throws it away] Live, live, live, live, die! [Picks up another man and throws it away as Hal enters]

Hal

Hey. What happened to the Judicial system, presided over by a tribunal of wise elders?

Dewey

I had them lined up and shot.

Hal

You know son, maybe you've been spending too much...

Dewey

Silence! Seize him! [Hal looks around and is startled by the Playmobil men arranged on the top of the buildings]

Hal

All right, son. I think it's time you goose-stepped off to bed. [Picks up Dewey by his shirt and drags him off]

Dewey

Dad, you're embarrassing me in front of my men!

Lois

Hal! Why is this still here! [Slips on a lose piece of Lego and screams as she falls in slow motion, knocking down the whole Lego society as she goes while Hal and Dewey watch in horror] Ow.

Reese

No fair! You did it without me!

Do not set foot outside this area. Not one foot!

Hal

I would just like to get one thing clear. When we go home, you fellas are still gonna be a presence in the community, right?

If I wasn't in uniform, I'd take a swing at you myself.

Lois

Thanks, Officer. [turns angrily to Francis] What were you thinking?!

Francis

That it went faster.

Lois

GO TO YOUR ROOM!

Hal

I loved the way you sent the boys to their room...

Lois

Boys! Go to your room!

Malcolm

[first line] Ok, here's the thing about my family: we don't go on a lot of outings together. But when we do, there's a little tradition that we always end up observing.

Hal

[talking to the security guard] When you say lifetime ban, I mean who's lifetime that you're talking about.

Lois

Don't you ever ask me for anything ever again. I should've just given birth to chimps, then at least I know to expect this kind of behavior.

Malcolm

Believe it or not, I actually envy Dewey. He got to stay home and play with the babysitter.

Hal

Oh, flashing the brights. It's gonna be like that, huh? (slams on the brakes while the car behind him honks)

Lois

Good Lord, Hal! He could have a gun!

Lois

It was Kitty Kenarban, she invited a dinner.

Hal

Good for you.

Lois

I am talking about everyone. It will be nice to dinner out with decent people. I wonder why people never invite us to dinner

Hal

I think I see a couple of hungry seals!

Lois

Hal, I don't want to ditch out of this. I'm looking forward to it. The Kenarbans are nice people, and they want to be friends with us.

Hal

So, you're saying I'm on my own here?

Abe

[Kitty] won't let me have butter on my bread. Butter. I haven't eaten the stuff in ten years.

Hal

How'd this happen? I mean, we weren't always this way.

Abe

Actually, I was. Classic story: raised by a grandmother and four spinster aunts. I used to wash their hair on Saturday nights.

Hal

Poor bastard. You never had a chance.

Abe

Damn it. Enough is enough! (gobbles down miniature slabs of butter and drinks a shot)

Hal

You go, Abe!

Hal

Dewey, I only have one phone call, so put your mother on the phone so she can come pick us up.

Lois

Who was that?

Dewey

Wrong number.

Lois

Hal, you made me sit in the car for eight hours a day listening to Keno. Now you're telling me you don't want to gamble?

Hal

We are surrounded by the great outdoors, Lois. I mean, we could all go for a hike.

Lois

Okay, what have you done?

Hal

Uh...

Lois

Why are you avoiding the casino?

Hal

(all worked up) Thank you, Lois. Thank you.

Lois

And then you will have a choice. You can indulge your primal urges with him, or... you can come back to the motel...and indulge your primal urges with me.

Hal

(looks at Lois, then at Tom, then at Lois again) Don't trivialize my anger, Lois! I mean, there are some things that you just don't try to talk people out of. (calming down) I have a legitimate situation here.

Lois

(sympathetic) I know, baby. (kisses Hal)

Hal

That's strange. Why would someone fill this thing with hundreds of hanging bowties?

Malcolm

Those aren't bowties. Those are bats!