Hal quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Hal

Brownie? Mmm.

Hal

You're the ones that turned your mother into a ticking time bomb. You just thank your lucky stars that she went off on an innocent bystander.

Hal

We have to be home by 9:30. The babysitter said her halfway house goes into lockdown at 10:00.

Hal

The question is will you be driving? Or just a passenger? Whenever you let somebody else drive, he might have errands to do. where do you think he will just stop.?

Hal

Dewey, we are civilized people. We make arbitrary boundaries that we defend to the death.

Hal

It's a very special moment when a father watches his boys lie to their mother for him. There's only one thing that could make me prouder: if one of you could saw off my leg.

Hal

Malcolm!

Hal

Now, where's the rest of the money?

Hal

You just spent 10.000$ on a stupid dollhouse?!

Hal

Another college recruiter? When I was applying, believe me, there were no recruiters. If I hadn't found that ad inside that matchbook, I may never have pursued higher education!

Hal

Look at that sky, Malcolm. Just think. Somewhere out there, all those stars and planets, there might be at this very moment a space dad who just got kicked out of his space trailer, who's looking down on us. Or would it be up at us? Or maybe sideways?

Malcolm

Trust me, Dad, they're all looking down on us.

Malcolm

Mom, I think he's okay. [Lois looks up, Malcolm turns to the camera] Uh-oh, tactical error.

Hal

What do you mean?

Malcolm

I mean, he's always okay.

Hal

Malcolm, I know you like Francis as much as we do, so if you have any idea...

Lois

Oh, for God's sake. [to Malcolm] WHERE IS HE!!!

Malcolm

He came here to see Beebee. He's meeting her tonight. [to the camera] Oh my God, how did she do that?

Lois

I knew it. When did you talk to him?

Malcolm

Don't look at her eyes. Don't look at her... [Lois grabs Malcolm's head to face towards her] This morning and Dewey shoved a sandwich in the VCR.

Hal

Oh, hello, boys. How long are you in for?

Reese

Another hour.

Hal

Yeaow.

Lois

Who's this?

Reese

How should I know?

Lois

Hal?

Hal

Beats me.

Lois

Dewey, is this a friend of yours?

Dewey

Uh-huh.

Lois

Who is he?

Dewey

I dunno.

Hal

What's your name, son?

[Whispering] Egg.

Did he say Greg?

Lois

I thought he said Craig.

Dewey

His name is Egg.

Hal

Egg?

Dewey

I named him.

Lois

Well, you can't keep him! He needs to go home. Okay?

Dewey

Okay.

Lois

Oh my God! Was this Dewey's present?

Dewey

Present?

Lois

Reese, how could you? Do you know how expensive this was? HAL!

Hal

I'm on it. [standing up and taking Reese's hockey stick] That was a terrible thing to do to your little brother.

Malcolm

[smug] There's more. He was going to bury it with Aunt Helen.

Hal

You were going to make Aunt Helen spend eternity with a crushed Mighty Man.

Dewey

Mighty Man?!

Lois

I can't believe you.

Hal

This is a whole new low, Reese.

Reese

[Attempts to stand up, but Hal and Lois forces him back on the couch] First of all, this is all circumstantial. I don't know how that thing got in my backpack. And as for this Aunt Helen business, no one knows what I would've done at that funeral because we're not going.

Lois

[convinced] Who says "we're" not going.

Reese

You did!

Lois

Well you can guess again. You're going to march up to that coffin and apologize to that poor dead woman. We all are!

Hal

Alright, everyone into the car as-is! We're gonna have to drive creatively but we might make the end! Let's go! Chop-chop! Here we go!

Hal

Egg! Come on!