Reese quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

[goes back to a photo booth near the door] Reese, get out of the photo booth.

[Reese peeks out jut in time to see the large man that he threw a bowling ball at, intending for Malcolm, waiting for him. He inserts a dollar bill in the booth]

Reese

You probably want your privacy. I'll get out of your way.

[The large man pushes him back into the photo booth. Reese is heard screaming as he is getting his ass kicked with photos to prove it.]

S2 E20 "Bowling"

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Check it out, Beth Ballard's here.

Reese

Yeah, I heard she's the reason why Mr. Thomas got fired.

[Lois shows up after paying for the boy's one pair of shoes and notices there are no parents around.]

You can go now, thanks for the ride.

Where are the parents? Are there no parents here?

Mom, please don't....

WHERE ARE YOUR PARENTS?! Who's chaperoning this?

Reese

Mom, we don't need a chaperone.

[ignoring Reese] Ok, it's me.

S2 E20 "Bowling"

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How am I ever gonna decide which one of you to take?

You deliberately bought two tickets just to torment us?

No. Of course not. I bought them to see who loves me the most. Now, I know you both love me, but I bet one of you loves me a little bit more.

[Malcolm and Reese look dejected]

Come on, guys! It's Rage in the Cage. You should be happy!

Reese

We are happy!

You're not doing the happy dance.

S2 E21 "Malcolm vs. Reese"

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(turns the truck on) I don't know why we have to go across town. It seems kind of silly.

Craig, I promise. It's the best ice cream in town.

Well, I'll be the judge of that.

[backs up the truck and runs over something, making a loud thud; he stops the truck]

What was that?!

[Dewey moves a rock out of the driveway to fool Craig into thinking that it was Reese's leg that he ran over]

Reese

(non-emotional) Ow! Ow, my leg! Ow! Ow!

[Dewey rolls eyes and hits Reese's bump. He begins sobbing and screaming]

Craig:

(quickly gets out of his truck, panicking) Oh, my God, what did I do?!

You ran over his leg!

Oh, no!

(runs outside) What happened? (sees Reese injured) Oh, my God, Reese!

[Reese continues sobbing loudly as Malcolm & Dewey look at each other and smile as their plan worked]

S2 E22 "Mini-Bike"

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[After Hal gets arrested and Malcolm refusing to help his father while talking to a girl] Do you realize how close your father came to being a registered sex offender?! A registered sex offender! And for what? For some trampy girl? For...

Mom, please. I feel terrible. I completely understand what I did. I sold out my own father for a girl. It's the worst thing I've ever done. We both agree, I'm a terrible person.

For some girl you don't even know! Who wouldn't give you the time of day! That's the gratitude you showed your father.

Reese

Hey, maybe I'm the good one after all. [Giving a glass of tea to Lois] Here, mom, for your throat. I put a little honey in it.

That man gets one vacation a year and this is how you start it. [Phone rings] You go and make it right.

S3 Houseboat

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[Has just arrived home just in time by jumping over the fence to catch the boys with fireworks] BOYS!!! FIREWORKS!! FIREWORKS!!!

Reese

How did she?!

I don't know.

You boys are in so much trouble. I can't leave you alone for one second. I guess next time I go out, I'll have to chain you to the floor and tie you in the oven. You don't even pretend to listen. You might as well cut off your ears and throw them in the trash for as long as you use them. You are grounded for the next month!

[a police helicopter approaches Lois]

PPilot

GET DOWN ON THE GROUND AND PUT YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD!

[An arrested Lois continues punishing the boys as she gets on the ground.]

While you're being punished, I hope your friends are doing all sorts of fun stuff. BECAUSE YOU WON'T BE DOING ANY OF IT! YOU ARE GONNA SUFFER!

S3 Book Club

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Reese

You've just got to calm down, turn off your brain.

You can't just turn off your brain.

Reese

Sure you can! I do it all the time. Just watch...

[snorts] This is so stupid. You can't turn off your...

[Reese stands slack-jawed, staring blankly]

Reese...? Reese!

[Reese wakes from his daze and holds his forehead]

Reese

Oh, man, how long was I out?

S3 Malcolm's Girlfriend

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You've been stealing money from the church?!

Reese

And maybe some... merchandise.

[Reese opens the closet revealing a loot of stolen donations.]

Oh! You boys have been taking stereos, toys! Is that cheese?! Oh! I need to sit! [He collapses onto the mattress and sees more stolen donations under the bed.] Oh! Oh, my God!

Dewey, get a washcloth!

My boys are thieves!

S3 Charity

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[Upon realizing the boys stole an air tank.]

You stole... AIR?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, BOYS?! Do you ever stop and think of the consequences of anything you do?! Do you realize the shame that you're gonna bring upon our entire family? DO YOU?!

Reese

Forget that, what's Mom gonna say?!

S3 Charity

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That's right. I gave it all to charity. You have two changes of clothes; one for school and one for home, something wrong?

RDReese, Dewey & Malcolm

No.

S3 Charity

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Reese

Hey Mom, Hey Dad.

What is wrong with you?! Look at that floor!

Reese

Sorry.

How many times have we told you not to track mud into this house?

We'll clean it up.

That's not good enough. You're grounded for a week!

Reese

What?

You can't do that! Those are just footprints!

You wanna be grounded for two weeks?!

Dad!

You heard your mother!

Reese

This is ridiculous! You're being totally unfair! Just because Malcolm tracked mud on the floor doesn't mean we should be grounded!

Go to your room!

S3 Health Scare

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How dare you! How dare you defy us like that!

Well we wouldn't have had to if you've hadn't been ridiculously hard about a little mud on the floor!

You two are the most ungrateful, badly-behaved, inconsiderate boys ever born! How could you be so heartless?

Reese

What is heartless about going to a party with a bunch of slutty girls?

Keep it cool!

You were at a party? While we were here worrying?

[calm] Can I have a napkin?

I cannot believe you two!

Oh, that's it! You're grounded for the rest of the school year!

Reese

You can't do that!

You're crazy!

You do not talk to your mother that way, ever! You will show her the love and respect she deserves, whether I am here or not!

Reese

This family sucks! You're ruining our lives! I wish you were dead!

[Lois is stunned, speechless, and she and Hal leave the kitchen, stricken that the boys are unaware that Hal may have an illness]

What was that all about?

Reese

I dunno. Usually, she just says "I'm taking you with me!"

S3 Health Scare

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Reese

Oh, hi, mom. How nice to see you home

I have HAD IT!

[Dumps out the contents in the paper bag and turns off the lights to the Christmas tree. She is stuffing all the presents in the bag.]

Mom, what are you doing?

I am taking everything! Every decoration, every present, every tree and I'm locking it in the garage. Every single Christmas, you three burn, break or destroy and I'm putting a stop to it.

She's stealing Christmas.

Mom, you can't do this.

Reese

Yeah, this'll be the last year Dewey believes in Santa.

WHAT?!

If you boys behave until Christmas morning, there will be a Christmas morning. Otherwise these are going back to the store and Christmas will be cancelled!

Reese

[to Lois] You wouldn't cancel Christmas! You're bluffing.

[Scene cut to reveal Reese crying over his burning stocking and Lois looks on in sadistic satisfaction knowing her threat of cancelling Christmas will come true.]

S3 Christmas

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Reese

Yes.

That's 14-13.. We're up. Game point.

Well, I have to say you boys have put up a good fight which is just going to make it all the more painful when I crush you like bugs. Score, yeah! Whoops. Ha, tie game. Next basket wins. My ball.

We have to do the play.

Reese

We can't. We only practiced it once.

It won't work.

It will work. We just got to believe.

It's go time, ladies.

The future is now, old man.

S3 Lois's Makeover

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[over pay phone] How many police cars are chasing you?

Reese

[over cell phone] I don't know; eight, maybe nine? What are we gonna do? There's no way out of this!

Hey, don't give up! Sometimes things look darkest right before the sun breaks loose-

[Five lumberjacks enter the room and stand behind Francis with their arms folded]

...and sometimes you have to realize that the game is over, and that you've lost. The-

[Five more lumberjacks enter the room]

...The only thing left to do is to stop running, stand up, and face the consequences like a man. And-

[Five more lumberjacks enter the room]

...And even if the outcome is gonna be more horrible than you could possibly imagine, you can hold your head up high, show some class, and end it with dignity!

[Francis puts down the phone, swallows, and turns to face the lumberjacks]

Reese

Class...