Reese quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Reese

Malcolm, can you ask your girlfriend if she would like some more peas?

Dewey

We get it!

Reese

AHH! Get away from me! AH! Get away from me!

Lois

Uh, your daughter is biting my son.

Reese

She won't let go!

Oh, look, they're just playing.

Reese

Ow, it hurts! It hurts! Mommy! Oww! Ow!

Lois

Now, honey, if you want to breathe, you're gonna have to open your mouth and let go of my son.

Lois

Boys, I need to speak to your father alone.

Reese

So? You have a bedroom, we're eating!

Hal

(filled with rage since he can't finish the painting) Fine! You want to see me finish it! I'll finish it!!! (picks up some paint and splashes it around the board) How about some here... and there... how about there??? (suddenly pauses and looks at the painting and fixes a few things and completes it)

Reese

Awesome!

Lois

Hal, I can't believe you did it. It's beautiful.

Hal

(happily) I did it!

Victor

God in Heaven!

Reese

What? What?!

Victor

This is live grenade! Do not let go of the handle, or we both die!

Reese

I don't want to die!

Victor

Don't worry, all we have to do is find the pin. Find the pin, put the pin back in, and everything will be fine.

Victor

(to Reese) Quit crying like baby.

Malcolm

What's going on?

Reese

Grandpa gave me a live grenade. It's really cool. You wanna hold it?!

Victor

No, no, no! It's for you, not him.

Malcolm

Oh my God! We have to call the police!

Victor

No! No police! No police, please! There's no reason to panic. [Throws the phone on the table out of the room]

Malcolm

Yes, there is! You gave Reese a live grenade, and he's a total idiot!

Reese

He's right. I am. I don't think I should have it anymore. Here!

Lois

(sees that the new refrigerator has been destroyed) WHAT HAPPENED HERE?!!!

Victor

We can't be sure.

Reese

(hysterical) Grandpa gave me a grenade, and it was going to blow, and I didn't mean to drop it! But Malcolm threw it in the fridge!

Lois

You gave my son a grenade? You brought live ammunition into this house?! WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE?! ARE YOU COMPLETELY INSANE?!!

Lois

I am not taking traffic school.

Hal

Honey, if you don't take traffic school, you'll get a point in your license.

Lois

I'm not getting a point in my license because I'm taking this to court. I did nothing wrong and I got three eyewitnesses to prove it. They saw exactly what happened.

Lois

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...

Lois

Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack...

Lois

Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey...

You're right, mom!

Lois

Anything you break comes out of your allowance!

Reese

We don't get an allowance!

Lois

Well, now you know why!

Malcolm

Someone's got to gi...

Reese

Not it!

Malcolm

Well, then, someone can mail it to her any...

Reese

Not it!

Malcolm

Well, someone's got to be the person to...

Reese

Not it!

Malcolm

... not give it to her!

Reese

I'm it!

Malcolm

HAHA! ... Oh

Reese

[as Lois is pulled over by a cop] Make a run for it, mom. We can be on the news.

Lois

[ignores Reese and pulls over] All right, no one makes piggy sounds! No one claims they smell bacon! And no one claims they've been kidnapped!

Malcolm

[To audience] Nothing like two days in the hospital to make you appreciate your own home.

Reese

Gimme that!

Lois

Oh my God! Look at Malcolm's hospital bill! I can't imagine how much it would've cost if he'd actually gotten the surgery.

Hal

Well, there goes our summer vacation.

Dewey

So we have to pay, even though he was faking?

Malcolm

I wasn't faking! I was the one who found out they were wrong.

Reese

Well, if you're so smart, why didn't you figure it out sooner?

Hal

Well, son, would you like to field that one for us?

Malcolm

[To audience] Nothing like ten seconds at home to make you appreciate the hospital!

Malcolm

Mom, my stomach hurts.

Reese

So does mine!

Malcolm

I'm not kidding, it's really sore.

Reese

Owwwww... it hurts.

Malcolm

Shut up, Reese.

Reese

I see spots! Mommy!

Lois

Alright! That's enough! I don't care what assignment you didn't do or what test you didn't study, you're still going to school.

Hal

You know, now you mentioned it...

Lois

Everybody's going!

Malcolm

Why do I have to stay in the kids' ward?

Lois

I'm sorry, honey, but you're six months too young to have an adult room.

Reese

I hear if you're really good, they'll put apple juice in your sippy cup.

Lois

Reese, give your brother a hug.

Reese

Aw, mom?

Lois

Do it!

Reese

(gives Malcolm a hug) If you tell anyone I hugged you, I'm putting you back in here.

Hal

Reese, do you know what empathy is?

Reese

No.

Hal

Well, empathy is putting yourself in other people's shoes so you can feel what they do. If you hurt someone, empathy makes you hurt as well.

Reese

Then why would you want empathy?

Hal

[turns away to Lois, stunned] He has no more sense of right and wrong than a tree-frog!