Malcolm quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Malcolm

Mom, I can't wear Reese's hand-me-downs. Look at this, Jell-o in the pockets, the fly's broken, and it smells like wet dog.

Lois

You should be glad he only wore it the one time.

Malcolm

[On the phone with Francis] Then, she slid in the trash and ran off. I swear this family is falling apart.

Francis

[Elated] Yes! I knew this moment would come. They don't have their "scapegoat" around so everything goes to hell.

Francis

No one realizes that I was the one who held this family together. Without me to blame everything on, they doesn't know what to do with themselves.

Malcolm

A scapegoat, thanks. [He quickly hangs up and faces the screen] He's right. This family needs a scapegoat. I started this, so I should be the one to end it.

Lois

Oh my God! Was this Dewey's present?

Dewey

Present?

Lois

Reese, how could you? Do you know how expensive this was? HAL!

Hal

I'm on it. [standing up and taking Reese's hockey stick] That was a terrible thing to do to your little brother.

Malcolm

[smug] There's more. He was going to bury it with Aunt Helen.

Hal

You were going to make Aunt Helen spend eternity with a crushed Mighty Man.

Dewey

Mighty Man?!

Lois

I can't believe you.

Hal

This is a whole new low, Reese.

Reese

[Attempts to stand up, but Hal and Lois forces him back on the couch] First of all, this is all circumstantial. I don't know how that thing got in my backpack. And as for this Aunt Helen business, no one knows what I would've done at that funeral because we're not going.

Lois

[convinced] Who says "we're" not going.

Reese

You did!

Lois

Well you can guess again. You're going to march up to that coffin and apologize to that poor dead woman. We all are!

Hal

Alright, everyone into the car as-is! We're gonna have to drive creatively but we might make the end! Let's go! Chop-chop! Here we go!

Hal

Egg! Come on!

Malcolm

Listen to the words: good, boy, cheerleader. Quit while you still have some dignity.

Reese

Oh, and let her think I'm a quitter.

Malcolm

You can't even remember a simple six-step routine.

Reese

There's six steps?

Malcolm

Yes. It's just right-left-right-left-reverse-pose.

Reese

You remember that by just watching?

Malcolm

You guys did it like ten times!

Reese

So, you know my routine?

Malcolm

It's not that hard.

Reese

But... you know my routine.

Malcolm

Yes, I do. Look, I know where this is going...

Reese

No, you don't. You're going to help me.

Malcolm

That is where I was going.

Reese

Oh, good. Let's get started.

Malcolm

No! Don't you know how embarrassing this is?

Reese

I know what's more embarrassing.

Malcolm

What?

Reese

Getting beaten to a coma by a good boy cheerleader.

Hal

Now, I want to tell you what happens when a boy really, really likes a girl. And Dewey, I'll make this easy for you to understand. [looks around for toys and grabs a robot and a girl doll]

Malcolm

[to the camera] Oh, man! I still play with that.

Hal

You see, there's a certain thing that happens between normal healthy people. It's called chemistry. [accidentally fires toy gun from the robot] Well, that doesn't happen, except maybe the first time. But what does happen is this. [imitates robot] "I like you!" [imitates girl doll] "I like you, too!" [back to normal voice] ... and if they love each other and take their proper precautions, they'll have sex, but I've told you that already.

Dewey

[smiling] Not me.

Hal

Well, ask your brothers.

Hal

If the boy is from our family, it goes a little more like this... "I like you." "I HATE you!" "Now, I LOVE you!" "LEAVE ME ALONE! Your insane neediness is driving me away!" "Look at me! Look at me, I'm crazy! Pay attention to me! I'm an idiot, watch me crash and burn! Woop-woop-woop, whoo!"

Reese

I cannot believe you said that to dad. Oh by the way if you pass Francis on your way to Siberia, tell him I said hi.

Malcolm

Do you think he told mom?

Reese

I wouldn't worry about that. Mom's feeling a lot better. Dr. Reese paid her a visit.

Malcolm

What are you talking about?

Reese

[talking about Hal's failure to slip Lois pain medication] Let's just say pills and sandwich, not effective. Pills and milk, effective.

Malcolm

You know, Francis, we never actually intended to show that letter to Mom. We were just trying to scare you.

Francis

I know, you guys would never do that to me.

Malcolm

But if she did see the letter, you know it was an accident, right?

Francis

Yeah, but Richie has the letter. Please tell me Richie has the letter.

Malcolm

Richie has coupons. Mom has the letter. But like I said, it was just an accident. I swear.

Francis

So the thing you were threatening to do all day but had no intention of doing you did, but didn't mean to?

Malcolm

They have a fake letter. I knew Francis wouldn't leave us alone without getting something, and I knew you'd give it away. I knew exactly what everyone would do.

Reese

So where's the real letter?

Malcolm

I had to think of the one place they'd never think of looking. I had to give it to the one person they'd never think I'd give it to. I did the most brilliant thing of all: I gave it to Dewey.

Dewey

And I hid it under Mom's pillow.

Malcolm

You WHAT?!

Malcolm

You know, Francis, we never actually intended to show that letter to Mom. We were just trying to scare you.

Francis

I know, you guys would never do that to me.

Malcolm

But if she did see the letter, you know it was an accident, right?

Francis

Yeah, but Richie has the letter. Please tell me Richie has the letter.

Malcolm

Richie has coupons. Mom has the letter. But like I said, it was just an accident. I swear.

Francis

So the thing you were threatening to do all day but had no intention of doing you did, but didn't mean to?

Malcolm

Yeah. You can yell at us now.

Francis

No, I guess I deserved it. I shouldn't have ratted on you. Mom was pressuring me and I folded. She told me if I wanted to come home for the summer I had to tell her about the bike.

[cooing] Hello! Goochy, goochy, goochy, goo. Goochy, goochy-- [screams as her finger is bitten]

I don't know, sweetie; what do you have behind your back? [screams, running from the house]

[locked in the closet by Malcolm and Reese] You little losers, I've had enough of this! You open this door right now! Look, I'm a little claustrophobic, okay? Just open the door! Let me out! Come on!

Malcolm

I don't know. I'm starting to think it might be us.

Lois

Do you think we're wealthy?! Wealthy people drive fancy cars. They have fresh pasta. Do we do any of those things?! NO! Wealthy people can afford any of their vacations ruined, no big deal. They just pick up and go again. Your father and I worked so hard, so long. What is wrong with you two?! Are you aborigines?! Every time I turn around, I hear someone screaming and fighting. And I pray to God that's someone else's children, but it's not, it's always you! Sane children would appreciate this. Are you even thinking? No, you're always at each other like a couple of rabid monkeys. It is not enough you two do this every day, but you have to make me suffer. Well, help me....

Lois

Don't you dare!

Arms and legs crossed at all times.

Reese

That's the bravest thing I've ever seen you do.

Malcolm

Yeah.

Reese

You're gonna die.

Malcolm

I know. So, you think Mom's going to be okay?

Hal

[bursts into the room] Who wants to make five bucks?

Malcolm

How?

Hal

I need someone to take the fall.

Lois

[from downstairs] Oh, my God...

Malcolm

What did you do?

Hal

I can't tell you. Yes or no? No questions asked.

Lois

Oh, my God!

Malcolm

Make it ten.

Hal

Done.

Lois

Oh, my God!

Hal

[whispers] You're a good son. [drags Malcolm out by his collar] I got him, honey! I got him, don't worry!

Malcolm

What are you doing with toilet paper?

Reese

I got my hands on some canned fruit, I traded those for batteries, the batteries for DVDs, and I swapped those with the janitor for the school's entire supply of toilet paper. Once the "specially seasoned" meatloaf works its magic, I can name my price.

Malcolm

You know, that's not only unbelievably evil, but you actually put some thought and effort into it. I'm impressed.

Reese

This is just wrong! You can make money and please children! This is a senseless act! You are evil! Pure evil!

Heh! If you kids are not willing to discuss this sensibly...

Reese

You son of a...

Malcolm

Look, there's nothing you can do!

Reese

Yes, there is! I can... I can...

And the Nobel Prize goes to...

Malcolm

Hey, you're talking about my brother! Good one.

Malcolm

[first line] Ok, here's the thing about my family: we don't go on a lot of outings together. But when we do, there's a little tradition that we always end up observing.

Hal

[talking to the security guard] When you say lifetime ban, I mean who's lifetime that you're talking about.

Lois

Don't you ever ask me for anything ever again. I should've just given birth to chimps, then at least I know to expect this kind of behavior.

Malcolm

Believe it or not, I actually envy Dewey. He got to stay home and play with the babysitter.