Malcolm quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Lois

Fire? Fire? Fire?

Malcolm

Mom, what?

Lois

This is the most stupid, irresponsible, dangerous thing you have ever done! Is this what you want? Will we have to identify your charred little bodies through their dental records? I want a straight answer! Who did this?

Reese

Malcolm did it!

Malcolm

Reese did it!

Reese

I didn't do it!

Malcolm

I didn't do it!

Dewey

We're going to the dentist?

Lois

[sits with Malcolm on the dinner table while she hands him a can] Go ahead. It's a name brand. [opens the can, then Malcolm drinks it] I know you didn't do this. You're a good boy. But I want you to help me with this. This is serious. One of your brothers could've burned the house down. [shows Reese, but at a different time] And for that he will be severely punished. But the one who helps me will be a happy, little boy. [shows Dewey, also at a different time] And I want that to be you. [back to Malcolm] Because you always been the best one. [back to Reese] You've always been the best one. [back to Dewey] You have always been the best one.

Malcolm

Mom, honestly, I don't know.

Reese

[different time] I don't know.

Dewey

[different time] Don't know.

Reese

It's never been this clean before.

Malcolm

Uh-oh. It's too clean.

Francis

You're right. She'll never buy it.

Stevie

Dear... penthouse...

Malcolm

Yesterday, I pushed my friend Stevie down some stairs.

Stevie

Point... taken.

Malcolm

What do you mean he's only seven?!

What's not to understand? He just turned seven. I guess you were too busy beating people to notice!

Malcolm

He CAN'T be seven. He's bigger than I am!

He's in second grade! [cleaning up Kevin] Look at all this blood...

Malcolm

That's not blood, it's pizza sauce! Well that's blood, but...

Caroline

Oh my God... OH MY GOD! What happened?

[bawling] I want my Teletubby!

Malcolm

A doll?! You can't play with dolls if you're seven... WHY ARE YOU SEVEN?!

Caroline

You beat up a seven-year-old?

Malcolm

I didn't know!

Caroline

Malcolm, I don't blame you. I put this squarely where it belongs... [close to tears] On me!

Malcolm

[to camera] Oh, man. This is the most horrible thing I've ever done! [to Kevin] Kevin, I'm sorry!

I think you've done quite enough.

This is the worst birthday ever!

Malcolm

I can't stop thinking about what I did to Kevin. I feel like crap, and no one understands. Even you--you're supposed to be my friend and you don't even care.

Stevie

And yet...you keep...talking.

Hal

Look at that sky, Malcolm. Just think. Somewhere out there, all those stars and planets, there might be at this very moment a space dad who just got kicked out of his space trailer, who's looking down on us. Or would it be up at us? Or maybe sideways?

Malcolm

Trust me, Dad, they're all looking down on us.

Malcolm

Someone stole my friend's wheelchair.

What's it look like?

Malcolm

It's a chair... with wheels.

Lois

All right, I've had it! You two are banned from Nintendo.

Reese

OK! We're already banned from Nintendo.

Malcolm

[to audience] The sad thing is, he thinks he's outsmarted her.

Malcolm

Mom, I think he's okay. [Lois looks up, Malcolm turns to the camera] Uh-oh, tactical error.

Hal

What do you mean?

Malcolm

I mean, he's always okay.

Hal

Malcolm, I know you like Francis as much as we do, so if you have any idea...

Lois

Oh, for God's sake. [to Malcolm] WHERE IS HE!!!

Malcolm

He came here to see Beebee. He's meeting her tonight. [to the camera] Oh my God, how did she do that?

Lois

I knew it. When did you talk to him?

Malcolm

Don't look at her eyes. Don't look at her... [Lois grabs Malcolm's head to face towards her] This morning and Dewey shoved a sandwich in the VCR.

Reese

Hey, what am I thinking right now?

Malcolm

I'm smart, I'm not a psychic.

Dewey

Can you understand what dogs are saying?

Malcolm

No.

Dewey

I can.

Malcolm

[about Malcolm's class picnic] There won't be any meat. They all decided they didn't want to eat anything that has a mother.

Dewey

Cousin Nancy doesn't have a mother.

Lois

That's right. She has two daddies.

Reese

Two guys as your parents? That house has to be a dude's paradise.

Reese

What are you looking at, monkey boy?

Dewey

[hits himself] Ow! Ow! Ow! Reese!

Reese

What are you doing?

Dewey

[continues hitting himself] Ow! Help! Ow! Mom, help!

Reese

Cut it out!

Dewey

Ow! Ow! It hurts! Ow!

Reese

Knock it off, you little...

Lois

[from the other room] REESE!! [approaches them] What the heck are you doing? Honest to God, you can't leave him alone for 5 minutes without picking on him!

Reese

I didn't do anything!

Lois

No!

Reese

He was lying!

Malcolm

[to the camera] I gave him that.

Lois

Malcolm, what is all that stuff from your teacher? That woman sends home two or three fliers every day.

Malcolm

She says she wants the parents to be involved as possible with the children.

Lois

At school? It's the only break I get!

Malcolm

I think is time to move to plan B: lying.

Lois

What book report?

Malcolm

I just remembered. I have a big book report due tomorrow, and I haven't even started reading it. [to the camera] Standard technique. You volunteer a small crime to distract them from looking for the big one.

Lois

So what's the report on?

Malcolm

[[A Tale of Two Cities].

Lois

Oh, how many words?

Malcolm

750.

Lois

Was that on your assignment sheet?

Malcolm

No, it's an addendum.

Lois

When did you get that?

Malcolm

Thursday. I didn't bring it home. That's why I forgot to do the assignment. [to the camera] Oh, nice one.

Lois

Well, I suppose that if it's school work.

Malcolm

[to the camera] That's the mislead. Wait for the reverse.

Lois

A Tale of Two Cities. Who's that by?

Malcolm

Charles Dickens.

Lois

Oh, I thought it was Victor Hugo.

Malcolm

No, it's Dickens.

Lois

Is that the one with Jean Valjean?

Malcolm

That's Les Miserables.

Lois

No, no. Isn't A Tale of Two Cities the one with Jean Valjean, where he says: "It's a far, far, better thing I do..." right before he steals the loaf of bread?

Malcolm

No. Sidney Carton says that before they behead him.

Lois

I thought you hadn't read it.

Malcolm

What? No, I said I hadn't written it.

Lois

And when is it due?

Malcolm

Tomorrow, I told you.

Lois

On Les Miserables?

Malcolm

Yes. No. A Tale of Two Cities.

Lois

Which you haven't read yet.

Malcolm

Right.

Lois

But you just said you did.

Malcolm

No. I-I said I didn't... and then you said... it was Thursday, and... [shouting angrily] Look, I just don't want to go to this stupid funeral!