Malcolm quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Malcolm

What's the point of being out here?

Reese

So you can find stuff like this. (picks up a dirty sock) Hehe, smells like gasoline.

GO AWAY! There is no ice cream in the truck!

He's lying! There's tons of ice cream in there!

The ice cream in the truck is NOT for sale! It is against the law for me to sell ice cream in the middle of traffic!

Reese

This is just wrong! You can make money and please children! This is a senseless act! You are evil! PURE EVIL!

Well... If you kids are not willing to discuss this sensibly.

Reese

You son of a!

Malcolm

Look, there's nothing you can do!

Reese

Yes, there is! I can... I can...

And the Nobel Prize goes to...

Malcolm

Hey, you're talking about my brother! Good one.

I'm Jessica, gray Volvo.

Malcolm

Malcolm, crappy minivan.

Malcolm

When was the last Christmas we had eggnog?

Reese

I think before Dewey.

Malcolm

It's all you, man.

Malcolm

[aside] This is a game that has no winners.

Malcolm

Imagine if this was to fall into the wrong hands.

Dewey

I see an old lady!!

Malcolm

RELOAD! RELOAD!

Francis

Boys, the time has come. You're about to see the device that will change the face of Halloween forever. Behold... [empties his bag of supplies]

Dewey

That's not a flying chocolate maker.

Reese

This is just a bunch of tubes.

Francis

Trust me.

Reese

I do trust you, but...I expected something a little more...

Malcolm

[reading the design plans] Oh my God. Will this work?

Francis

Absolutely.

Reese

What? What is it?

Malcolm

It looks like an incredibly powerful slingshot!

Francis

A slingshot capable of hurling objects over a distance of two-city-blocks. Picture yourself. You're walking down the street, you're minding your own business, when all of a sudden, BAM! You're hit by a ten-pound balloon filled with shaving cream, paint, or any number of foul-smelling liquids. [Malcolm, Reese, and Dewey get excited] And you'll never, ever know who did it.

Malcolm

It's the perfect weapon!

Malcolm

That's not good, cougars don't just blow up!

Reese

As near as I can figure, I did it with my mind.

Malcolm

Reese! That's insane!

Reese

I wouldn't talk to me like that if I were you.

Reese

I'm thirsty.

Malcolm

Yeah, well, we would have water if some idiot hadn't used to it write a S.O.S in the sand.

Reese

Oh, I see. You people let me carry the water and all of a sudden I'm the idiot.

Malcolm

What are we going to do now?

Reese

[falls into a cesspool via a trap they had set up earlier] AAAAAHHHH! Oh my God! What is this stuff?

Malcolm

Well, at least the night isn't a total loss.

Malcolm

Come on, Reese. Hurry up!

Reese

Sorry, I had to put the "lemonade" in the fridge.

Patty

Hungry?

Malcolm

I don't know what I am.

Dewey

No.

Reese

You like glitter, Dewey?

Malcolm

This is what he is. He's a walking disaster area.

Dewey

What is that?

Malcolm

It's the cest pool.

Dewey

We have a pool?

Malcolm

It's the sewage of the house.

Hal

That's strange. Why would someone fill this thing with hundreds of hanging bowties?

Malcolm

Those aren't bowties. Those are bats!

Malcolm

In my backpack. I'll wear it at school.

Lois

Put it on. I didn't stay up all night for my health.

Malcolm

Why don't you just put a bulls-eye on my chest and get it over with?

Lois

Oh, you look fine. (The bells on Malcolm's costume jingle) And Reese will tell me if you take these off.