Malcolm quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Malcolm

When your TV privileges are taken away, you have to do something for entertainment. This is totally a trade-up.

Malcolm

It's so weird at my house. Nobody ever answers the phone and my brothers are seeing who can go the longest without changing their underwear. I never thought I'd miss my mom. [pauses] I still don't, but I'm getting there.

Malcolm

This is an official apology. I'm a horrible person and I'm sorry. What I did was horrible, even by our standards. And, let's face it, we've set the bar very low.

Malcolm

YOU'RE SMOKING?! After all the times you've lectured us? After telling us if we smoke you'd kill us before the cancer did, after you would push Francis' lit cigarette back into his mouth and make him swallow, and you smoke?! You SMOKE?!

Malcolm

[explaining the school magazine's editorial policy] Nothing gets rejected. It doesn't matter how self-involved or boring or childish or stupid or painful it is. If it can be stapled, it's in.

Malcolm

[aside] Oh, boy. In this family, that's what we call "The Closer". We now know that Reese is definitely not living here for the next few days. The only question left is who gets to take the credit.

Malcolm

And you know what, I want my candy than I want my next breath. I have a plan!

Malcolm

My plan!

Malcolm

I can't. It's stuck!

Malcolm

[about Reese's latest scheme] Wow! Blackmailing a pervert to facilitate underage gambling. How could this not work out?

Malcolm

Crap!

Malcolm

This is so awesome. Mom and Dad just got back from the doctor's, and it turns out she has mono. She's been ordered to stay in bed for two weeks. After all those years of stepping on cracks, it finally paid off. I mean, it's no broken back, but I'll take it.

Malcolm

Turns out, I'm naturally talented at science and dancing. Two things that are guaranteed to get me beat up.

Malcolm

I am so happy. I'm sneaking out to a concert Friday night while Mom works the late shift. The band sucks, but I have backstage passes. And if that's even one billionth as insane as I've always imagined it, I could die happy.

Malcolm

And its totally unfair. Everyone acts like Francis is this big troublemaker and he's not!

Francis

Dad, I know what you're going to say and believe me, I totally agree with you. There is no excuse for what I've done. It was idiotic, immature, totally reckless and I'm really, really sorry.

Francis

I'm hoping against hope you would give me another chance.

Francis

Which I admit I don't deserve, but if you can find it in your heart to forgive me, I know I can earn your trust back.

Malcolm

It's not like it was even "our" car.