Bill Dauterive quotes from King of the Hill

Bill

Q-bag!

Dale Gribble

Painterer!

Hank

You! Inside! Now! [cues to inside the house] Dang it, Bobby! Your mother and I took our wedding photos in front of that fence!

Bobby Hill

Man, I'm just keepin' it real, dawg.

Dale Gribble

Hank Rutherford Hill, you are within one hundred feet of me, and much as I like to scoff at the law, I also like to arbitrarily enforce it. Skedaddle, boy. We got a tunnel to dig under the alley!

Hank Hill

What?

Bill

Yep. It's gonna go from Dale's house, my house to Boomhauer's house!

Dale Gribble

A little 3 way friendship tube and you ain't invited!

Bill

The only rules are no spitting and no cutting other people's fingers off. You probably wouldn't like them down there, Hank.

Boomhauer

Yeah, man, talkin' 'bout no dang ol' psychos allowed, man.

Hank Hill

Good God, you're serious?! The alley is city property. As block captain I will come down on you with the full authority of my office. And who the hell are you?

Dale Gribble

Hank, you know Octavio. He's my gal Friday. Does anything I want. Now you, scoot. 100 feet. Move it.

Hank Hill

You shut your got-dang mouth or I'll shove that Ditch Witch down your throat and dig a tunnel straight through to sunshine!

Ha ha, that's telling him.

Hank Hill

'Felt good, too.

Dale Gribble

Back off, Hank, or Octavio will mess you up.

Gribble, I don't care if he stays or goes. Where's the money you owe me, esse?

Dale Gribble

You heard him.

Take the first shot, Cochise. I love two things: building doll house furniture and kicking ass. And I don't see any no houses 'round here. You see any doll houses, Hank?

Hank Hill

No, I don't.

(furiously) No you don't, that's right! What are you looking at, sport? Don't you eyeball me! Don't you eyeball a JUNKYARD DOG! [Everyone is looking scared, even Hank] ARF, ARF, ARF! NOW YOU GOT THE DOG BARKING! YOU GOT IT, YOU GOT IT! ARF, ARF!

Well, I'm just gonna come right out and say it, Dale--something seems different about you.

Dale Gribble

Something IS different, Bill. I had a vision. I'm an Indian now.

Oh.

Dale Gribble

I've always wondered why I hated the federal government or loved tobacco with such passion. But now it all makes sense!

Hank Hill

Okay Time Out, Sitting Jackass! Have you looked in the mirror lately? You are the God-dang whitest person I've ever seen!

Dale Gribble

I AM THE ALBINO BUFFALO! Deal with it!

Bill

Gee, Hank. How's it feel to be the father of a genius?

Hank

Bobby's a good kid, but he's no genius. We have the report card to prove it. And since when is pop culture a considered "academic"?

Dale

It's a very big deal, Hank. Nowadays, you can't be an accredited college without offering a major in commercial jingles, or the films of M. Night Shaylamalamon.

Hank

Score? Someone scored?

Lucky

Heck yeah. Aunt Peggy did.

Hank

Aunt Peggy?

Lucky

Yeah, she knocked out their blocker so Luanne could scoot past their jammer.

Bill

I'm so confused...

Lucky

See, your blockers stop the other teams' jammers. The pivot can block, jam, or counter-jam. Only the pivot or jammer can score.

Hank

But how do they score?

Lucky

No one really knows.

Bill

I don't have an alibi.

You're Bill Dauterive, that's your alibi.

Two blood sugar spikes in a week? Let's face it: Sooner or later this will kill you. Probably sooner.

Bill

What should I do?

Well, we have plenty of nice pamphlets that I'm sure you'll ignore. But this is how I see your diabetes playing out: First comes heart disease, then kidney failure, then blindness. Oh, and you'll lose your legs to gangrene.

Bill

Are you just giving me tough love?

Have you seen other doctors?

Bill

Yes.

Did they tell you to diet and exercise?

Bill

Yes.

Did you do it? (Bill doesn't respond) Here, take this. You'll end up in a wheelchair anyway. Might as well get one now, while you still have good insurance.

Hank

Dr. Weissman, my friend Bill would like to register a complaint.

Ohh, are you upset or something? I said you had diabetes, not cry-a-betes.

Bill

You told me I was going to lose my legs!

No, I said your legs could fail one day, possibly. I-I never said anything that could constitute malpractice, other it's current definition.

Bill

Hmm, my legs work just fine. Isn't that inspiring! (Bill closes the door and starts beating up Dr. Weissman)

Hank

(to nurse) Uh, my friend is just, uh...

I don't hear a thing.

Hank

(sighs) I need you to talk to you about coach...

Bill

(on the phone) Shh, shh. No, no, no! You listen to me, you will double the salt or you will find a new place to peddle your sunflower seeds! Goodbye! (hang up phone) Hello, sir. May I help you?

Hank

I came here to help with practice, but Bradford won't let me on the field. All I want to do is just watch my son play baseball.

Bill

Really? Last I heard you wanted to see him quit baseball.

Hank

Watch it, Bill. I'm just looking for an ass to kick.

Bill

(sighs) I'll give it to you straight, Hank. You're seen as a negative influence around here, or anyone lets you on the baseball field, you're going to have to prove yourself, show your commitment to the league.

Hank

Dang it, Bill, how am I supposed to do that?

Bill

You think it's unfair, Hank? Just be glad I'm allowing you contact with Bobby at all.

Hank

[angers throws beer can] Okay, that does it! I have had it with you! Now do you have somewhere to be? 'Cause I'd liked to know what direction I should kick your ass in!

Bill

[lying in bed in his dark bedroom, morbidly obese and with a long beard] Ohhh, it's been hard with you 'n Peggy gone, Hank. I...I might've let myself go a little. I don't get out much anymore.

"Much"? You haven't left that room since 2020.

Hank

Oh, no! What are you doing in there?

Bill

Oh, a lot of streaming. I finished Netflix, Hank. Did you know that when you get to the end of Netflix, you get something called a "wellness check"?

Hank

What's gotten into you two? You all loved it before.

Dale

Joseph was just bragging, Bobby got a bunch of fancy brewing equipment from his frat-boy partner. Remember, Hank. Your beer is our generation's last line of defense against these young punks. We're the dinosaurs, and they're the virus the dinosaur government created that made them go extinct.

Bill

Yeah, it needs a bit more of that old gun flavor.

Hank

What's old gun flavor?

Dale

Ask Bill. He's the only one who's ever put a gun in his mouth.

Bill

It tasted like I thought it would...

Hank

What the hell, Bill?!

Bill

I'm sorry, but pretending to be married to Peggy gave me the confidence to make new friends! I mean, who wouldn't like the kind of man who was able to get Peggy?

Hank

You photoshopped my wife's head on some... buxom trollop! Now I have to imagine you looking at that and... and enjoying it! It's a half a commandment short of adultery, Bill!

Bill

Please don't blow my cover. Please Hank!

Hank

I'm not gonna tell them the truth, because you have to. You started it, and you need to end it.

Bill

Well, I'm not going to.

Hank

Look, am I gonna have to kick your ass, "BD?"

Bill

You can't push me around anymore. I have the strength that comes from the love of a good woman.

Hank

YOU AREN'T MARRIED TO PEGGY!

Hank

I can't believe I used to be worried about Bobby and his prop comedy. G.H. is even worse! He just spends a lot of time in that room by himself.

Bill

Oh, he's probably, you know, shaking hands with the milkman.

Dale

Yup.

Boomhauer

Damn straight, man.

Hank

That's not something Hill men do, Bill. I didn't at his age.

Dale

I did! Some of the ladies in that Zapruder film were very shapely.

Hank

Gah!

Dale

It's all fake anyway.

Bill

Tote bag, tote bag. Ooh! Maybe she was gonna go get vegetables at the farmer's market on the way home from work, because she's a busy professional single mom who gives her sons everything, except the one thing she can't- a male influence.

Dale

Keep it in your pants, Bill. We don't know it's a woman.

Hank

Dale's right.

Dale

We don't even know if it's human.

Hank

Dale's wrong.