Bill Dauterive quotes from King of the Hill

Dale

(Talking into tape recorder) 10:15. Hank picks up Hal.

Bill

What?

Dale

(On tape recorder) 10:15. Hank picks up Hal.

Bill

(On tape recorder) What?

Dale

I said, "10:15, Hank picks up Hal!"

Dale

We gotta get out of here. The smoking breaks are too short, the food is good at best and the anti-depressants are making my mouth dry and happy.

Bill

(shouting) Can I get some glitter please?

Bill

Why don't we just call Hank?

Dale

No. Hank must never know we were in here. Our society stigmatizes the mentally ill... and rightfully so, these people are nuts!

Dale

Let go of my finger!

Bill

You let go of my beer!

Dale

So help me, Bill don't mess with my trigger finger!

Bill

Oh, what are you going to do, shoot me with my beer? I don't think so!

Hank

You, you, and you go home now! [Grabs Wally] You get the hell out of here! [Wally blows a puff of smoke at his face, and Hank drops Him to the ground.] That does it! [Storms up to Bill's house] I've had about enough of this Christmas crap! Bill! [to Bill] Dang it, Bill! Some of us are trying to raise kids in this neighborhood. Good kids. The kind that don't try to kill their parents in their sleep. Kids like Bobby.

Bill

Wally would never kill me. He told me so! That kind of communication is very important in a father-son style relationship.

Hank

What? Is that my belt Sander?

Bill

No. It's mine. Wally bought it and gave it to me as a present.

Hank

Yeah? Then why does it have the same serial number as my warranty card?

Bobby

I Did Ten Sit Ups And I Try To Do A Push Up Can I Go Back To Sleep Now

Hank

You Had A Chance To Sleep Last Night Mister But You Decided To Go Parting Instead Now Get A Rag And Start Washing Windows

Hank

Wally Was Not Your Family My God I've Thrown Out Propane Tanks It Would Make You Better Son Than Wally

Hank

Why couldn't it have been me and Boomhauer that did something horrible to you guys?

Bill

'Cause Boomhauer's a saint.

Bill

I wish I had a son to kick me in the nuts.

Dale

[While Bill writhes in agony] Be careful what you wish for.

Dale

Falcon, bring us back a vole. Sh-sh-sha!

Bill

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!! It bites!

Dale

...so Bill's a vole.

Dale

What are you asking Bill for? The army destroyed all his brain cells with their deadly placebo drug. No wonder he's an ignor-anus.

Bill

What did you say?

Dale

"Ignor-anus." It means "stupid," you moron.

Hank

Dale, you said "placebo."

Dale

Yeah, I read it in Bill's file. That was the name of the drug they gave him: "Placebo." I think it's made by "Puh-fizer."

Hank

He's...he's gone! Bill's dead!

Boomhauer

[Crying] Oh, dang 'ol, dang 'ol Bill, man!

Dale

[Taking his hat off in tribute] Bill was a good friend. He gave his life to save ours. I can safely say I would not have done the same for him.

Hank

[Sighs] The last thing I told him was he had bad breath. I wish I would've told him that he was a brave man...honest...sweet...[starts tearing up]...like a...big old stuffed teddy bear...[The otherwise-stoic Hank breaks down sobbing.] Oh God...I'm gonna miss him...

Hank

Bill?!

Hank

[relieved] You're alive! You made it out in time!

Bill

Somehow I got blowed out by the asplosion...that hurt. Ow. Hey look, my- my carpal tunnel is gone.

Dale

That is gross.

Bill

I heard what you guys said though - that I was brave and honest and a good friend. Do you still think that, now that I'm not dead?

Hank

Yup.

Dale

Yup.

Boomhauer

Mm-hmm.

Hank Hill

They're temporarily diverting beer down to Mexico. Alamo will be back on the shelves in five days.

Bill

Five days? We can wait that long.

Dale Gribble

I don't mean to sound racist, but this by far is the best selection of beans I have ever seen. I'm serious.

Bill

Oooh, tacos! Can I buy one?

Hank

No!

Bill

How about some pig's feet? They look clean.

Hank

No! No food! You're going to get sick and this isn't some two-mile ride home from a pie-eating contest.

Bill

How about a banana? It comes in it's own wrapper.

Hank

Uhh.. ¿Por favor? ¿Cervezas Alamo?

Hank

Yup.

Dale

Yup.

Boomhauer

Yup.

Bill

One beer's not going to hurt my driving. Look how fat I am!

Hank

Sorry, Bill. That's what you get for having a mouth full of banana when we all said "Not It."

Hank

Dang those bananas!

Dale Gribble

Step on it, Bill! I don't know which way it's coming out, but it's coming out!

Dale Gribble

(vomits) Damn that filthy Mexican banana!

Don't blame the bananas! I had more than anyone, peels included, and I didn't get sick until hours after you guys did.

Bill

Welcome back to society! May I offer you a ride home?

(very deep, surly voice) I'm driving.

Bill

So, what were you in for?

Killed my boyfriend.

Bill

(optimistically) Does that mean you're single?

Hank Hill

(bringing over hotdogs) Okay everybody, 'dogs are up! Now Bill's in a rush, so he gets first crack.

I'll be speedy! (starts to eat)

Hank Hill

Hey, we've got ketchup, mustard, relish over there... (notices Bill eating all of the hotdogs) Jesus!

Bobby Hill

Woah, look at him go.

Hank Hill

Bill, Bill! Those 'dogs are for everyone!

(finishes eating all the hotdogs, and belches) That should do it. (leaves)

Bobby Hill

Wow! If there were thirteen more 'dogs on that platter, Mr. Dautrieve would be in the Guinness Book of World Records!

Dale Gribble

Hail the conquering fat-ass! A lonely pig gorging himself on the lips and anuses of his brothers.

Dale, why don't you shut your skinny little no-hot-dog-eating mouth?