Hello? That's all you got? Just what the heck is going on?
What do you mean? We're finishing dinner. We'll be there to pick you up at 9:00.
Oh, really? Well, you might want to check your watch, buddy boy. It's 10:30!
(realizes the watch was 10:30) Oh, my God. Peggy, it's 10:30!
Peggy Hill(Gasps) Where's Bobby?
I'm at the Get In, Get Out. I hope you're happy. I'm just prostitutes by panty hose!
He's at the Get In, Get Out! (Peggy gasps and runs out to the emergency door.)
Peggy
Abb Shalab to you, Muhammad. Abb shal al hab.
MMuhammad
... I'm sorry, sir, I think your wife is having an attack.
She's speaking Arabic to you.
Peggy
And what do you speak, Muhammad? Do you speak Pashtun? Farsi? I know a few words in those as well.
MMuhammad
No, I speak Arabic, but perhaps another dialect. I grew up in Saudi Arabia.
Well we were just in Saudi Arabia. I was the assistant manager in charge of Arabian propane, and Arabian propane accessories for the Aramco.
Peggy
Everyone there understood my perfect Arabic perfectly.
TGTour Guide
You'll work as a team, and make important decisions about the September 2008 housing crisis, during the collapse of the subprime mortgage industry when the government debated the takeover of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.
TGTour Guide
Would you like to be the president?
... I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will-
TGTour Guide
A simple "yes" would have sufficed. Ma'am, you'll be Fed Chairman John Paulson.
Peggy
Ho'yeah! I can buy and sell all of you losers.
Sug, can I be the Fannie Mae president? I just like the name Fannie Mae.
And I'll be the head of the shadowy Trilateral Commission, David Rockefeller. [to the man next to him] And you'll be the Queen of England. We all know that the president's just a puppet, and that the queen and Lyndon LaRouche pulled all the strings.
Can you prove that it isn't true? Can you, Hank?
Mr. President to you, Rockefeller.
PPatron
Can I be Epstein?
From Welcome Back, Kotter? No. Why?
FPFemale Patron
Can I be Obama's Kenyan handler?
Obama was born in Hawaii. That's reason enough not to vote for him without making stuff up. [to the guide] Wait, aren't you gonna do anything?
TGTour Guide
Ha. You're the president.
No, not if this group isn't gonna respect the historical accuracy. I might as well stand here and do nothing.
Fine. Vice President it is.
Peggy
Why don't you sit down and relax?
It's 10:30 on a Tuesday. We don't live in an opium den.
Peggy
Honey, the whole point of retirement is you do not have to fill in every free moment with work. Come on, watch some TV with me.
Peggy
It is a British reality show called The Make Up Bake Up. A couple tries to work through their relationship issues while making a pastry, cake, or tart. [unmutes the TV] Oh, and they are naked.
I went with Boomhauer to watch his girlfriend's son's soccer game.
Peggy
Well honey, that is not a bad thing. I, for one, am glad to see that Boomhauer is taking his role as Luke's father-adjascent figure seriously.
[sighs] I also filled in as referee after everyone turned on Boomhauer. They kicked balls at his head, Peggy. The disrespect for authority was just so un-American.
Peggy
Our country has changed, Hank. Do you know that the cashier at Frumpy's asks for tips now? I came here for some sensible shorts, not to get fleeced!
Peggy
[gasps] You are lucky my father is not alive, Hank Hill. He did not approve of soccer, no siree. He'd ban me from being with a bad boy like you. Although, it's almost like we have a dirty little secret. Hey Hank, why don't you put on that referee uniform? I haven't seen your calves during the day in a decade.
Peggy, the windows are open!
Peggy
I know. Are you gonna put me in the penalty box?
Now that's hockey. I'm reffing soccer.
Peggy
Don't ruin it. [pulls him to the bedroom]
Hank Are you watching reality TV? If so, I'll go rotate my lawnmower tires.
Peggy
I am. There's a new show called My Husband Lied to Me Last Night. But in this episode, he will tell me what really happened at our neighbors house.
Uh, I think you're lying about the title of the show, but I'm gonna let it go. It's like I told ya. Kahn was working on, uh, his new bed frame. [cleans his glasses]
Peggy
Oh, come on, Hank, you have a tell! Every time you try to lie, you clean your glasses. It was cute when you told Brian Robertson you voted for Obama, but not now.
I'm not cleaning my- I'm just, [grabs his glasses] My eyes were feeling dry and- God-dangit! Okay, look. Khan swore me to secrecy.
Peggy
So you're completely willing to lie for Kahn, but you could not play along with my bowling story? Your own wife?!
Okay, you win. Kahn and Minh are divorced.
Peggy
What?
He's living in the garage, and I think he was peeing in a bucket. There was this ammonia smell.
Peggy
After all that bragging, and putting us down, turns out their marriage is a lie? [very smug] Well, well, well...
See, that's why I didn't wanna tell you. You're gonna wanna throw it in their faces. I promised I would keep the divorce a secret, so you do too, or we could ruin their anniversary party.
Peggy
Hmm. Sounds like you want me to be an accomplice in your lies, Hank. ... That shut you up.
No, Peggy. Now I am giving you the silent treatment.
Peggy
Amateur.
Peggy For what?
For how my parents were treating you guys, and Bobby. He did a great job tonight, and didn't get any credit.
Peggy
Thank you. I am sorry for what you and your family are going through.
It's weird. I knew my parents were divorced, but it's like, real now.
Peggy
I have always competed with your parents. Out- competed. But one thing we all did right was raise wonderful children. We tied in that. And if you decide one day that marriage is for you, Connie, you will be a great wife to a very lucky man. You are not destined to end up like your parents.
I remember as a kid always feeling better after talking to you. Thank you.
Peggy
Would you say that I was a better mom than Minh?
Leave me out of that, Mrs. Hill.
SStrickland
[as some trucks appear] They're here! Gifts for our company founders! ... And here to present them, Pig Force celebrity spokesperson, Nolan Ryan!
NRNolan Ryan
[holding four digital keys] These keys are for Peggy, Bill, Dale, and- how do you say this?
Talkin' about, dang ol' Boomhauer, man.
NRNolan Ryan
Dang ol' Boomhauer.
How did they get you to come here?
NRNolan Ryan
I invested in Pig Force stock. You'd be a damn fool not to.
It's gone up ten more percent!
NRNolan Ryan
Cha-cha-ching!
SStrickland
And it's still going! Yeah!!!
[people begin chanting as they watch the stock go up]
Peggy
Oh, wow. Is it possibly that I am even better at investing than I thought?
I have to go to the bathroom.
Peggy
And honey, while you're in there, I will get Nolan Ryan to sign a football for you.
... and now that my land is wild hog free, John Redcorn's Texas-Grown Red Corn will have a projected operating profit margin of 38%. So, Hills, what do you say?
What does the Hill Family Inc. CFO say? After all, she's the reason we still have dividends left to invest.
Peggy
She says, it is tint for Hill Family Inc. got into bed with John Redcorn.
Uhhh- John Redcorn's Red Corn. The corn. She means the business, not you. I just want to be very clear.
[as Peggy shows Hank a small dog she's fallen for]
RSRescue Shelter Associate
Ah, I gather you've met Caesar Salad. He's a two-year-old mixed breed.
Peggy
Isn't he cute, Hank?
AAssociate
I assure you, he's perfectly healthy, aside from the conditions listed on the card.
[reading the card] Anxiety, depression, sun sensitivity, afraid of potted plants???
AAssociate
Would you be interested in fostering Caesar for a few weeks? Just until we can find him a permanent owner?
Peggy
In other words, you're Son the dog needs a substitute teacher?
AAssociate
Uh, I suppose that's one way of looking at it.
Peggy
I come in, I teach him a few tricks, turn his life around, and send him off into the brave new world! This is what Peggy Hill was born to do! What do you think, Hank?
[still reading the card] Hostile towards shadows? Dear God, there's a second card!
Bobby Hill, put a shirt on, and step away from my precious daughter!
Okay, but let's all remember who's the real bad guy here. The dog.
The dog wasn't the one engaging in amorous congress under my roof.
Peggy
It can't, because it has an inverted penis.
[Kahn approaches]
I caught your daughter participating in fatherless behavior with Bobby Hill!
Bobby Hill, did you de-flower my daughter?!
No sir. We didn't even get to doing anything, we were just... warming each other up.
Peggy
That's enough!
Okay, I can see that tendons are a little high right now, do how about we all just get some sleep and talk about this over dinner tomorrow, which I'm paying for?
Bobby, we are not having dinner with you. Come on, Connie, let's go back home.
No! All you've done since I've been home is complain about dad and insult Bobby. I don't wanna be around that.
... Hey, Connie, why don't you sleep over at my place, just for tonight?
Ha! You mean Bill's place?
We can hang out and celebrate your birthday. Things are very mellow over there. Super chill.
[obviously uncomfortable] Of course! Because I support your relationship.
[hugging Kahn from behind] Yaaaay! The more, the merrier! Hank and Peggy can come too, if you'd like!
Peggy
Do not threaten us, Bill.
I'm gonna go with Connie.
That's fine. Why don't you take those sheets with you?
VVeterinarian
Looks like this dog will only be eating smoothies from now on.
He's hurt that bad? But how will he get his nutrients? A growing dog needs all his protein.
VVeterinarian
This dog's done growing. Based on his cloudy eyes, loose skin and general odor, I'd say he is about ten years old.
Peggy
That's impossible! The rescue shelter told us he was two.
VVeterinarian
Those rescue places always tell you their dogs are two. That way, they don't scare you off. It's like how I tell people I chose to be a vet instead of "I flunked out of med school."
King of the Hill · 716 quotes
