Dale GribbleLook at all those pests out there. I wonder if we'll ever win this war.
SSheila
Don't you just find the mating habits of animals fascinating? When a pigeon wants to mate, it makes this noise. Coo. Coo.
Dale Gribble
Interesting. When cockroaches want to mate, they flush all the air out their book gloves. It sounds kinda like (wheeze).
Dale Gribble
(wheeze)
SSheila
Well, it's getting late. You want to go downstairs. I got us a room, I'm warming up some brandy in the coffeemaker.
Dale Gribble
Wait a second. Are you attempting to... know me?
SSheila
Dale, you're one of the sweetest, gentlest, funniest men I've ever met.
Dale Gribble
True, but Sheila, I'm married.
SSheila
It's just us tonight. (She tries to kiss Dale)
Dale Gribble
Oh no, Missy. There are 3 people here tonight. You, me, and my wife. I've taken two oaths in my life: One to the NRA, and the other to Nancy Hicks-Gribble. Nay, Nancy Hicks. I stood in front of God and all my friends, swearing to be an honorable and truthful man. So I'm not going to lie, I, I have felt a very small, insect-like attraction for you. But my wife is the greatest woman there ever was! I think you should go. (Sheila leaves) (pigeons cooing) Jeez, woman, take a hint. (turns to see the pigeon cooing. believing the pigeon is propositioning him) You heard me. I love my wife.
Dale Gribble
So it turns out I'm not the actual Dale Gribble, but a clone of him. The original Dale Gribble is a super-warrior from the year 2087. The second me, i.e. I, was created to help the first me fight the invading Mongol armies.
Dale, that's asinine, and here's four reasons why. First, you're not gonna clone a super-warrior out of a guy who can't even win a thumb-wrestling match.
Dale
But, I...
Two, you've spent your life swearing that the robots will eliminate the clones by the year 2010, so which is it, robots or clones?
Dale
I suppose...
Three, you've already said you sympathize with the invading Mongolians of 2087, so you'd be the last one they'd send to fight them. And four, if you were from the future, you would have seen this coming.
Gee, Hank. How's it feel to be the father of a genius?
Bobby's a good kid, but he's no genius. We have the report card to prove it. And since when is pop culture a considered "academic"?
Dale
It's a very big deal, Hank. Nowadays, you can't be an accredited college without offering a major in commercial jingles, or the films of M. Night Shaylamalamon.
Dang it, Bill, why won't you reason to reason? All right, Dale. Help him.
Dale
Wait. Is this a trick?
Nope. Let 'er rip. Just keep it clean.
Dale
Bill!! Bill, you have to be the stupidest man on the planet to think this is a good idea! Have you seen what you're wearing?! That outfit makes you look like a sequined train wreck! Look at you!! You're part of a twelve-headed jackass! This chorus is the feces that is produced when shame eats too much stupidity! You people make me envy the deaf and the blind! UNDERWEAR... MONEY... FAT...! [hunches over exhausted]
Stop it, Tom! It's all over! I know.
THTom Hammond
You know what, buddy?
That you've been selling me a bag of lies for the last twenty-five years. How could you, Tom?
THTom Hammond
Well, what can I say, Hank? I'm a salesman.
Dale Gribble
Well, Joseph went to his first sleepover last night. Didn't go so well, he's a cuddler, so I had to go pick him up.
(Whispers) Oh, Hank! You must cover your tracks! We'll have to kill Dale!
Dale
Say, ol' top, that truck is quite the gas puzzler. How many offsets can I put you down for?
You can put me down for kicking your ass. What kind of stupid got-dang idea is this?
Dale
This is the perfect plan. Strickland agreed to let me plant the trees on some land he isn't using, Bobby and Joseph agreed to do the planting, and I agreed to take the money.
Buying carbon offsets isn't gonna fix Strickland's image. It's just cheating.
Dale
Who's to say what's cheating?
Is Leonard DiCaprio cheating when he offsets riding around in a private jet? Yes.
Dale
Oh, Hank, you just don't get it.
Dale
Joseph, listen to me. This may be my last opportunity to tell you this. I know you know a thing or two about sex. You're old enough, and you often forget to delete your Internet history. But you just know the physical stuff. Sex is also mental. And you're too young to handle those emotions. That's why I think you should wait.
[to the board] My dad is not crazy.
DDoctor
Uh, yeah, he is. According to the State of Texas.
Dale
[dragged away] Please, son, save your precious flower!
What's gotten into you two? You all loved it before.
Dale
Joseph was just bragging, Bobby got a bunch of fancy brewing equipment from his frat-boy partner. Remember, Hank. Your beer is our generation's last line of defense against these young punks. We're the dinosaurs, and they're the virus the dinosaur government created that made them go extinct.
Yeah, it needs a bit more of that old gun flavor.
Dale
Ask Bill. He's the only one who's ever put a gun in his mouth.
It tasted like I thought it would...
So let's take a look at that propane setup.
[noticing charcoal in the grill] Charcoal? Ohh, I get it. This is just for show. Lure in the out-of-towners. The propane's in the back, right?
Dad, dad, dad! I use charcoal to cook. Not propane.
[everyone gasps]
Dale
Here we go...
What? But we went over the different systems for hours over the phone! Those were some of the best times we ever spent together. Were all those "uh-huhs" you said after every point I made just lies?
No, I considered propane.
Considered?! It gets worse.
TGTour Guide
You'll work as a team, and make important decisions about the September 2008 housing crisis, during the collapse of the subprime mortgage industry when the government debated the takeover of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.
TGTour Guide
Would you like to be the president?
... I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will-
TGTour Guide
A simple "yes" would have sufficed. Ma'am, you'll be Fed Chairman John Paulson.
Ho'yeah! I can buy and sell all of you losers.
Sug, can I be the Fannie Mae president? I just like the name Fannie Mae.
Dale
And I'll be the head of the shadowy Trilateral Commission, David Rockefeller. [to the man next to him] And you'll be the Queen of England. We all know that the president's just a puppet, and that the queen and Lyndon LaRouche pulled all the strings.
Dale
Can you prove that it isn't true? Can you, Hank?
Mr. President to you, Rockefeller.
PPatron
Can I be Epstein?
From Welcome Back, Kotter? No. Why?
FPFemale Patron
Can I be Obama's Kenyan handler?
Obama was born in Hawaii. That's reason enough not to vote for him without making stuff up. [to the guide] Wait, aren't you gonna do anything?
TGTour Guide
Ha. You're the president.
No, not if this group isn't gonna respect the historical accuracy. I might as well stand here and do nothing.
Dale
Fine. Vice President it is.
I can't believe I used to be worried about Bobby and his prop comedy. G.H. is even worse! He just spends a lot of time in that room by himself.
Oh, he's probably, you know, shaking hands with the milkman.
Dale
Yup.
That's not something Hill men do, Bill. I didn't at his age.
Dale
I did! Some of the ladies in that Zapruder film were very shapely.
Dale
It's all fake anyway.
King of the Hill · 716 quotes
