Dale Gribble quotes from King of the Hill

Hank

Can I ask you something? What and what accessories do I sell for a living?

Ted

Tractors?

Dale

To be fair, Hank, you used to sell tractors.

Hank

Yeah, well, he didn't know that.

Dale Gribble

I don't mean to sound racist, but this by far is the best selection of beans I have ever seen. I'm serious.

Bill

Oooh, tacos! Can I buy one?

Hank

No!

Bill

How about some pig's feet? They look clean.

Hank

No! No food! You're going to get sick and this isn't some two-mile ride home from a pie-eating contest.

Bill

How about a banana? It comes in it's own wrapper.

Hank

Uhh.. ¿Por favor? ¿Cervezas Alamo?

Hank

Yup.

Dale

Yup.

Boomhauer

Yup.

Bill

One beer's not going to hurt my driving. Look how fat I am!

Hank

Sorry, Bill. That's what you get for having a mouth full of banana when we all said "Not It."

Hank

Dang those bananas!

Dale Gribble

Step on it, Bill! I don't know which way it's coming out, but it's coming out!

Dale Gribble

(vomits) Damn that filthy Mexican banana!

Don't blame the bananas! I had more than anyone, peels included, and I didn't get sick until hours after you guys did.

Nancy Gribble

So, are you really okay with your dad being gay?

Dale Gribble

Why would I have a problem with it? John Redcorn's gay, and I've been friends with him for years!

Dale Gribble

Hail the conquering fat-ass! A lonely pig gorging himself on the lips and anuses of his brothers.

Dale, why don't you shut your skinny little no-hot-dog-eating mouth?

Bill

Q-bag!

Dale Gribble

Painterer!

Hank

You! Inside! Now! [cues to inside the house] Dang it, Bobby! Your mother and I took our wedding photos in front of that fence!

Bobby Hill

Man, I'm just keepin' it real, dawg.

Dale Gribble

Hank Rutherford Hill, you are within one hundred feet of me, and much as I like to scoff at the law, I also like to arbitrarily enforce it. Skedaddle, boy. We got a tunnel to dig under the alley!

Hank Hill

What?

Bill

Yep. It's gonna go from Dale's house, my house to Boomhauer's house!

Dale Gribble

A little 3 way friendship tube and you ain't invited!

Bill

The only rules are no spitting and no cutting other people's fingers off. You probably wouldn't like them down there, Hank.

Boomhauer

Yeah, man, talkin' 'bout no dang ol' psychos allowed, man.

Hank Hill

Good God, you're serious?! The alley is city property. As block captain I will come down on you with the full authority of my office. And who the hell are you?

Dale Gribble

Hank, you know Octavio. He's my gal Friday. Does anything I want. Now you, scoot. 100 feet. Move it.

Hank Hill

You shut your got-dang mouth or I'll shove that Ditch Witch down your throat and dig a tunnel straight through to sunshine!

Ha ha, that's telling him.

Hank Hill

'Felt good, too.

Dale Gribble

Back off, Hank, or Octavio will mess you up.

Gribble, I don't care if he stays or goes. Where's the money you owe me, esse?

Dale Gribble

You heard him.

Take the first shot, Cochise. I love two things: building doll house furniture and kicking ass. And I don't see any no houses 'round here. You see any doll houses, Hank?

Hank Hill

No, I don't.

(furiously) No you don't, that's right! What are you looking at, sport? Don't you eyeball me! Don't you eyeball a JUNKYARD DOG! [Everyone is looking scared, even Hank] ARF, ARF, ARF! NOW YOU GOT THE DOG BARKING! YOU GOT IT, YOU GOT IT! ARF, ARF!

Dale Gribble

Objection, Conjecture, Object-ure!

Hank Hill

That's not a word!

Hank Hill

[realizing it's no time to keep his temper, he becomes violently angry and enraged] Get out! Get out! GET OUT! IF YOU DON'T GET OUT OF THAT GOT-DANG RAT HOLE NOW, I'LL GET MY CIRCULAR SAW, COME DOWN THERE, CUT OFF ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES! NOW MOVE! MOVE!! MOVE!!!

Dale Gribble

...Now that we're up here, what is so damn important?

Hank Hill

I've come to take the local bookseller to lunch! (realizes Peggy isn't here) Peggy? (hears gunshots) What the hell? (goes to the basement) Peggy? (finds Cotton Hill shooting the book) Dad!

Well, look who's here! Shopping for my birthday? Get me something that shoots like that! (finishes shooting the book and drops it on the floor)

Dale Gribble

Excellent grouping, Colonel. Plus, those hollow points penetrated Shakespeare all the way into the so-called "Joyous Comedies". As you like it? Well, I like it plenty.

Hank Hill

Dang it, Dale! Where is my wife?

Dale Gribble

Probably one of her smoking breaks. I try not too keep her too tight of a leash.

Peggy Hill

Take your apple-

Dale Gribble

It's a Braeburn!

Peggy Hill

-And get out!

Dale Gribble

You still think it's rats. Well, don't beat yourself up, Hank, I did too until the evidence pointed to baboon.

Hank Hill

Baboon? Dale, don't tell Glidewell there's a baboon. It's not a baboon.

Dale Gribble

I know that. I won't bore you with the details, but bottom line: it's Chuck Mangione!

You let a mongoose out in the store.

Dale Gribble

You're living in a T.P. fort.

Let's agree to disagree.

Well, I'm just gonna come right out and say it, Dale--something seems different about you.

Dale Gribble

Something IS different, Bill. I had a vision. I'm an Indian now.

Oh.

Dale Gribble

I've always wondered why I hated the federal government or loved tobacco with such passion. But now it all makes sense!

Hank Hill

Okay Time Out, Sitting Jackass! Have you looked in the mirror lately? You are the God-dang whitest person I've ever seen!

Dale Gribble

I AM THE ALBINO BUFFALO! Deal with it!

Dale Gribble

I see the Buffalo, I see the Indian! (slows down) I am the Indian. (snoring)

Hank Hill

(groans) Dang it.

Joseph Gribble

Dad, where the Hell are you? DAD!

Bobby Hill

Your dad's not coming. He's rolling around on the ground and eating bark and my dad is screaming, "Dang it!" a lot.

Joseph Gribble

This trip is so... SUCKS! You know what the land is tell me? WRECK STUFF!

Bobby Hill

What are YOU DOING?!? THAT'S YOUR DAD'S SLEEPING BAG!

Joseph Gribble

HA! HA! LOOK AT IT BURN!