Hank Rutherford Hill quotes from King of the Hill

Bill

[lying in bed in his dark bedroom, morbidly obese and with a long beard] Ohhh, it's been hard with you 'n Peggy gone, Hank. I...I might've let myself go a little. I don't get out much anymore.

"Much"? You haven't left that room since 2020.

Hank

Oh, no! What are you doing in there?

Bill

Oh, a lot of streaming. I finished Netflix, Hank. Did you know that when you get to the end of Netflix, you get something called a "wellness check"?

Hank

What's gotten into you two? You all loved it before.

Dale

Joseph was just bragging, Bobby got a bunch of fancy brewing equipment from his frat-boy partner. Remember, Hank. Your beer is our generation's last line of defense against these young punks. We're the dinosaurs, and they're the virus the dinosaur government created that made them go extinct.

Bill

Yeah, it needs a bit more of that old gun flavor.

Hank

What's old gun flavor?

Dale

Ask Bill. He's the only one who's ever put a gun in his mouth.

Bill

It tasted like I thought it would...

Hank

So let's take a look at that propane setup.

Bobby

Uh, dad...

Hank

[noticing charcoal in the grill] Charcoal? Ohh, I get it. This is just for show. Lure in the out-of-towners. The propane's in the back, right?

Bobby

Dad, dad, dad! I use charcoal to cook. Not propane.

Dale

Here we go...

Hank

What? But we went over the different systems for hours over the phone! Those were some of the best times we ever spent together. Were all those "uh-huhs" you said after every point I made just lies?

Bobby

No, I considered propane.

Hank

Considered?! It gets worse.

Hank

I don't get it, Peggy. Why can't he make a restaurant where he cooks on a propane backyard grill just like everybody else in Texas? That boy ain't right.

Peggy

Now Hank, Bobby is not our little boy anymore. He is his own man.

Hank

Alright then. That man ain't right.

You'll work as a team, and make important decisions about the September 2008 housing crisis, during the collapse of the subprime mortgage industry when the government debated the takeover of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.

Hank

Ooh, that's a juicy one.

Would you like to be the president?

Hank

... I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will-

A simple "yes" would have sufficed. Ma'am, you'll be Fed Chairman John Paulson.

Peggy

Ho'yeah! I can buy and sell all of you losers.

Nancy

Sug, can I be the Fannie Mae president? I just like the name Fannie Mae.

Huh- sure.

Dale

And I'll be the head of the shadowy Trilateral Commission, David Rockefeller. [to the man next to him] And you'll be the Queen of England. We all know that the president's just a puppet, and that the queen and Lyndon LaRouche pulled all the strings.

Hank

That's not true, Dale.

Dale

Can you prove that it isn't true? Can you, Hank?

Hank

Mr. President to you, Rockefeller.

Can I be Epstein?

Hank

From Welcome Back, Kotter? No. Why?

Can I be Obama's Kenyan handler?

Hank

Obama was born in Hawaii. That's reason enough not to vote for him without making stuff up. [to the guide] Wait, aren't you gonna do anything?

Ha. You're the president.

Hank

No, not if this group isn't gonna respect the historical accuracy. I might as well stand here and do nothing.

Dale

Fine. Vice President it is.

Peggy

Why don't you sit down and relax?

Hank

It's 10:30 on a Tuesday. We don't live in an opium den.

Peggy

Honey, the whole point of retirement is you do not have to fill in every free moment with work. Come on, watch some TV with me.

Hank

What are you watching?

Peggy

It is a British reality show called The Make Up Bake Up. A couple tries to work through their relationship issues while making a pastry, cake, or tart. [unmutes the TV] Oh, and they are naked.

Hank

I went with Boomhauer to watch his girlfriend's son's soccer game.

Peggy

Well honey, that is not a bad thing. I, for one, am glad to see that Boomhauer is taking his role as Luke's father-adjascent figure seriously.

Hank

[sighs] I also filled in as referee after everyone turned on Boomhauer. They kicked balls at his head, Peggy. The disrespect for authority was just so un-American.

Peggy

Our country has changed, Hank. Do you know that the cashier at Frumpy's asks for tips now? I came here for some sensible shorts, not to get fleeced!

Hank

I love soccer, Peggy.

Peggy

[gasps] You are lucky my father is not alive, Hank Hill. He did not approve of soccer, no siree. He'd ban me from being with a bad boy like you. Although, it's almost like we have a dirty little secret. Hey Hank, why don't you put on that referee uniform? I haven't seen your calves during the day in a decade.

Hank

Peggy, the windows are open!

Peggy

I know. Are you gonna put me in the penalty box?

Hank

Now that's hockey. I'm reffing soccer.

Peggy

Don't ruin it. [pulls him to the bedroom]

Hank

What the hell, Bill?!

Bill

I'm sorry, but pretending to be married to Peggy gave me the confidence to make new friends! I mean, who wouldn't like the kind of man who was able to get Peggy?

Hank

You photoshopped my wife's head on some... buxom trollop! Now I have to imagine you looking at that and... and enjoying it! It's a half a commandment short of adultery, Bill!

Bill

Please don't blow my cover. Please Hank!

Hank

I'm not gonna tell them the truth, because you have to. You started it, and you need to end it.

Bill

Well, I'm not going to.

Hank

Look, am I gonna have to kick your ass, "BD?"

Bill

You can't push me around anymore. I have the strength that comes from the love of a good woman.

Hank

YOU AREN'T MARRIED TO PEGGY!

My dad used to work here, so I kinda grew up around football.

Bobby

You never told me that.

I hate being negative, and if I talk about my dad, I end up bitching about that piece-of-shit, Jerry Jones who fired him.

Hank

Well, the man has no soul. He fired the late, great Tom Landry, too.

[after Hank catches Khan in his garage] Okay, okay, yes. I'm living in the garage because me and Minh, we got divorced.

Hank

Divorced? But we just saw the two of you together earlier tonight.

All for show. Divorce is a mark of shame in the Asian country club community. If they found out, I'd be the lowest of the low, like a Laotian Bill Dautrive. It could taint Connie as good marriage material in the eyes of the Wassanasongs.

Hank

Does Connie know about the divorce?

Yes.

Hank

That was unnecessarily dramatic.

Peggy

I am. There's a new show called My Husband Lied to Me Last Night. But in this episode, he will tell me what really happened at our neighbors house.

Hank

Uh, I think you're lying about the title of the show, but I'm gonna let it go. It's like I told ya. Kahn was working on, uh, his new bed frame. [cleans his glasses]

Peggy

Oh, come on, Hank, you have a tell! Every time you try to lie, you clean your glasses. It was cute when you told Brian Robertson you voted for Obama, but not now.

Hank

I'm not cleaning my- I'm just, [grabs his glasses] My eyes were feeling dry and- God-dangit! Okay, look. Khan swore me to secrecy.

Peggy

So you're completely willing to lie for Kahn, but you could not play along with my bowling story? Your own wife?!

Hank

Okay, you win. Kahn and Minh are divorced.

Peggy

What?

Hank

He's living in the garage, and I think he was peeing in a bucket. There was this ammonia smell.

Peggy

After all that bragging, and putting us down, turns out their marriage is a lie? [very smug] Well, well, well...

Hank

See, that's why I didn't wanna tell you. You're gonna wanna throw it in their faces. I promised I would keep the divorce a secret, so you do too, or we could ruin their anniversary party.

Peggy

Hmm. Sounds like you want me to be an accomplice in your lies, Hank. ... That shut you up.

Hank

No, Peggy. Now I am giving you the silent treatment.

Peggy

Amateur.

Hank

I can't believe I used to be worried about Bobby and his prop comedy. G.H. is even worse! He just spends a lot of time in that room by himself.

Bill

Oh, he's probably, you know, shaking hands with the milkman.

Dale

Yup.

Boomhauer

Damn straight, man.

Hank

That's not something Hill men do, Bill. I didn't at his age.

Dale

I did! Some of the ladies in that Zapruder film were very shapely.

Hank

Gah!

Dale

It's all fake anyway.

Hank

It's um- what you're doing all the time, uh, it's natural but it's setting up unrealistic expectations. Most repairmen won't accept payment in anything other than cash, or-

It's not porn! I'm looking into personal development opportunities.

Hank

Okay, well, let's see then.

Hey man, if you're watching this, you're probably feeling purposeless and weak, like you're wading in a pit of crap. That's because you've lost track of the four F-bombs. Family. Faith. Finances. And fitness. Don't worry. We've all been there. Over the course of one week, I can give you the tools the build up your F-bombs, but only those committed and relentless can crawl outta that crappy pit. ManMade.

Hank

This looks like some good old-fashioned character building.

Eli's the GOAT. He has a two-day "Boot Camp-inar" coming to Arlen tomorrow. I was gonna go with my settlement money, but boys under 18 can't go without an adult male mantor.

Hank

I'll tell you what, G.H., I'll be your... man-tor, although I don't see how that's better than mentor, but I'll also even pay for it, as long as you complete all the F-bombs.

Sick!

Hank

Not the best start...

Excuse me, a light breeze blew off my ascot. Did any of you see it?

[hostile] No. This is a gathering for men. [shoves Mike to the cheers of the others]

Sick!

[as Mike begins to walk away and Eli catches him] But wait... we must help our weak, pathetic, emasculated brother, because that's what men do! Do you know the four F-bombs?

Family, faith, fitness... Damn! What's the last one? [reaches in his pocket and pulls out a handful of cash, holding it to his ear like a phone] Hello? Oh yeah! [rips his overshirt off, revealing a toned body] Finances!

Whoa!

Hank

That's clever, see? Because money talks.