Hank Rutherford Hill quotes from King of the Hill

Hank

Come on, G.H., we can finish this!

No! I can't! I'm just another weak loser, destined for cuck-titude!

Hank

Those words... whatever they mean, have never described a Hill!

[holding two plastic balls on a string] These are the Nads of Truth. While your brother is holding these balls, the rest of us will listen to what he has to say, and support him. Feel free to share any and all obstacles that you feel are holding you back as a man.

[given the balls] I'm too short!

And who tells you you're too short?

Every woman on Bumble!

[given the balls] I don't make enough money!

And who says you don't make enough money?

My ex-wife.

Hmmm... another female.

[given the balls] Nobody gets my jokes!

And who doesn't get your jokes?

Everyone!

And who is slightly more than half of everyone???

Females!

Hank

Fellas, I don't think all women-

Ah ah ah! G.H. has the nads. Go ahead, brother.

Brothers, I've been struggling a lot recently, mostly because this girl I really like put me in the friend-zone before I got a chance to ask her out.

That's bullshit! UGH!

Hank

Now, hold on-

Hiiighwaaay tooo theee friend-zone! [beat] See?! Nobody ever gets my jokes!

Hank

Now, G.H., I tell you h'what-

NADS.

Hank

[takes the balls] Just because a girl wants to be your friend doesn't mean she's a bad person.

Nads. [given the balls] But do friends stay up late laughing on the phone together? Or talk about problems we have with our parents?

Hank

[takes the balls] That sounds like a pretty good friend, I-

[takes the balls] She was leading me on! Eli's right! Females are the problem!

Hank

If she just wants to be your friend, that's her choice, and you need to respect her decision.

Hank

What's the problem with respecting her decision? That's the foundation for a good relationship!

Yeah, if you're a spineless, dickless jellyfish.

Actually, I think jellyfish-

Remember we talked about which animals have dicks!

Hank

I think all of you need a lesson on chivalry.

You're a beta!

Jellyfish!

Hank

[takes the balls] Alright, nad talk over. Don't listen to them, G.H.

Why would I listen to you?

Hank

Because I'm almost certain that I'm the only one here who still has a wife.

You can only hold him for a second! I gotta stay alive so Good Hank doesn't come out as terrible as you did!

Hank

Too bad, old man.

John Redcorn

[carrying a tray of red corn] Hello gentlemen. Would you like to try John Redcorn's Red Corn?

Hank

You got yourself some mighty good corn here, John Redcorn.

Dale

Nancy would love this. Have you given it to her, yet?

John Redcorn

I've been giving it to Nancy for... quite some time.

Alright, so the purpose of this meeting is to discuss-

[via a laptop] Ah ah! This is an executive session. Company officers only.

Hank

And who are you?

Sorry. Connor Feliz, accounting.

Hank

Look, Connor from accounting, I don't know how to kick someone's ass over Zoom, but I'll figure it out if you try to put me out of my own kitchen.

[as some trucks appear] They're here! Gifts for our company founders! ... And here to present them, Pig Force celebrity spokesperson, Nolan Ryan!

Hank

The Ryan Express?!

[holding four digital keys] These keys are for Peggy, Bill, Dale, and- how do you say this?

Boomhauer

Talkin' about, dang ol' Boomhauer, man.

Dang ol' Boomhauer.

Hank

How did they get you to come here?

I invested in Pig Force stock. You'd be a damn fool not to.

Dale

It's gone up ten more percent!

Cha-cha-ching!

Dale

Hey, that's my thing!

And it's still going! Yeah!!!

Peggy

Oh, wow. Is it possibly that I am even better at investing than I thought?

Hank

I have to go to the bathroom.

Peggy

And honey, while you're in there, I will get Nolan Ryan to sign a football for you.

John Redcorn

... and now that my land is wild hog free, John Redcorn's Texas-Grown Red Corn will have a projected operating profit margin of 38%. So, Hills, what do you say?

Hank

What does the Hill Family Inc. CFO say? After all, she's the reason we still have dividends left to invest.

Peggy

She says, it is tint for Hill Family Inc. got into bed with John Redcorn.

Hank

Uhhh- John Redcorn's Red Corn. The corn. She means the business, not you. I just want to be very clear.

Bill

Tote bag, tote bag. Ooh! Maybe she was gonna go get vegetables at the farmer's market on the way home from work, because she's a busy professional single mom who gives her sons everything, except the one thing she can't- a male influence.

Dale

Keep it in your pants, Bill. We don't know it's a woman.

Hank

Dale's right.

Dale

We don't even know if it's human.

Hank

Dale's wrong.

Hank

So uh, how's Nancy liking her... truck?

Dale

She likes it fine. John Redcorn installed a charger at his place. Fine by me. Let his electricity bill go up. I win again! Wingo!

Hank

[his phone buzzes] Huh. Looks like Bobby and Connie are official.

Bill

Awww.

Boomhauer

Talkin' 'bout doin' dang ol' hard launch, man.

Hank

Wonder why they took so long to tell us.

NOOO! ANYONE BUT HIM!!!

DAMN YOU, BOBBY HILL!!!

Hank

That's a dog?

Ah, I gather you've met Caesar Salad. He's a two-year-old mixed breed.

Peggy

Isn't he cute, Hank?

Hank

He looks ill.

I assure you, he's perfectly healthy, aside from the conditions listed on the card.

Hank

[reading the card] Anxiety, depression, sun sensitivity, afraid of potted plants???

Would you be interested in fostering Caesar for a few weeks? Just until we can find him a permanent owner?

Peggy

In other words, you're Son the dog needs a substitute teacher?

Uh, I suppose that's one way of looking at it.

Peggy

I come in, I teach him a few tricks, turn his life around, and send him off into the brave new world! This is what Peggy Hill was born to do! What do you think, Hank?

Hank

[still reading the card] Hostile towards shadows? Dear God, there's a second card!

Ha! Hank Hill is holding an umbrella for a dog! Your life is falling apart!

Hank

Aren't you living with Bill?

No! Bill is living with me! ... at Bill's house.

Bill

Kahn, you sound troubled. Tough day?

Yes! I'm upset because Minh basically gets Connie the whole weekend! Stupid schedule.

Bill

[hugging Kahn] Shh-shh-shh. There, there, deep breaths, Kahn. [they breathe deep together] Don't let Minh push your buttons. That's what she wants.

I know...

Bill

Now, how about we go home, I make us some dinner, maybe draw a bath...?

With extra bubbles?

Bill

Let's start with the normal amount of bubbles and then we'll go from there.

Bobby Hill, put a shirt on, and step away from my precious daughter!

Bobby

Okay, but let's all remember who's the real bad guy here. The dog.

Hank

The dog wasn't the one engaging in amorous congress under my roof.

Peggy

It can't, because it has an inverted penis.

What's all the fuss?

Hank

Oh good. More people.

I caught your daughter participating in fatherless behavior with Bobby Hill!

Bobby Hill, did you de-flower my daughter?!

Bobby

No sir. We didn't even get to doing anything, we were just... warming each other up.

Hank

Stop!

Peggy

That's enough!

Ew!

Shut up! Shut up!

Bobby

Okay, I can see that tendons are a little high right now, do how about we all just get some sleep and talk about this over dinner tomorrow, which I'm paying for?

Bobby, we are not having dinner with you. Come on, Connie, let's go back home.

No! All you've done since I've been home is complain about dad and insult Bobby. I don't wanna be around that.

... Hey, Connie, why don't you sleep over at my place, just for tonight?

Ha! You mean Bill's place?

We can hang out and celebrate your birthday. Things are very mellow over there. Super chill.

And Bobby can come too?

[obviously uncomfortable] Of course! Because I support your relationship.

Bill

[hugging Kahn from behind] Yaaaay! The more, the merrier! Hank and Peggy can come too, if you'd like!

Peggy

Do not threaten us, Bill.

Bobby

I'm gonna go with Connie.

Hank

That's fine. Why don't you take those sheets with you?

Looks like this dog will only be eating smoothies from now on.

Hank

He's hurt that bad? But how will he get his nutrients? A growing dog needs all his protein.

This dog's done growing. Based on his cloudy eyes, loose skin and general odor, I'd say he is about ten years old.

Hank

What?

Peggy

That's impossible! The rescue shelter told us he was two.

Those rescue places always tell you their dogs are two. That way, they don't scare you off. It's like how I tell people I chose to be a vet instead of "I flunked out of med school."