Hank Rutherford Hill quotes from King of the Hill

Hank Hill

Stop it, Tom! It's all over! I know.

You know what, buddy?

Hank Hill

That you've been selling me a bag of lies for the last twenty-five years. How could you, Tom?

Well, what can I say, Hank? I'm a salesman.

Dale Gribble

Well, Joseph went to his first sleepover last night. Didn't go so well, he's a cuddler, so I had to go pick him up.

Peggy Hill

(Whispers) Oh, Hank! You must cover your tracks! We'll have to kill Dale!

Bobby Hill

Dad, I'm confused. So you should trust people until they betray you, and then try to blow them up?

Hank Hill

The only thing I'm guilty of is trusting you. Well, I'll tell you one thing: I may go to jail, but I’ve zipped my lips for the last time.

Hank

Dr. Weissman, my friend Bill would like to register a complaint.

Ohh, are you upset or something? I said you had diabetes, not cry-a-betes.

Bill

You told me I was going to lose my legs!

No, I said your legs could fail one day, possibly. I-I never said anything that could constitute malpractice, other it's current definition.

Bill

Hmm, my legs work just fine. Isn't that inspiring! (Bill closes the door and starts beating up Dr. Weissman)

Hank

(to nurse) Uh, my friend is just, uh...

I don't hear a thing.

Hank

About that science teacher of yours, does he ever talk about, uh, going green?

Bobby

I don't know. Do you ever talk about propane? My point is, he talks about all the time.

Dale

Say, ol' top, that truck is quite the gas puzzler. How many offsets can I put you down for?

Hank

You can put me down for kicking your ass. What kind of stupid got-dang idea is this?

Dale

This is the perfect plan. Strickland agreed to let me plant the trees on some land he isn't using, Bobby and Joseph agreed to do the planting, and I agreed to take the money.

Hank

Buying carbon offsets isn't gonna fix Strickland's image. It's just cheating.

Dale

Who's to say what's cheating?

Hank

Is Leonard DiCaprio cheating when he offsets riding around in a private jet? Yes.

Dale

Oh, Hank, you just don't get it.

[Hank enters Carl's office] Hank, thank God you're here. You got to help me.

Hank

Help you? Kicking your ass seems more appropriate, Carl.

I'm just going to come clean here. I just labeled those kids special needs so they wouldn't take the test.

Hank

Of course you did.

I'm really stuck here. I don't have anyone to take the blame. Emily's too young to take the fall and everybody thinks Dale Gribble's a special-needs kid.

Hank

[sits on the chair] You have to let those kids take the standardized test. If they pass, it'll prove they're not special, they're just a bunch of kids acting like jackasses, and that you didn't do anything wrong. a... at that moment.

But those kids will never pass the test.

Hank

All they need to be pushed a little, Carl. That's all they ever needed.

I guess we can try educating them.

Hank

When you open a pocket knife, you need to keep your hand...

Bobby

Ow!

Hank

You okay? Uh, you might want to hold your hand above your head.

Gotdog! Ray Roy! Now, I hope you got two girls in there! [Buck runs into the room and finds Ray Roy in bed with Ms. Scovall]

What the... ?! I told you to stand in line! You didn't stand in line, boy.

Hell, Daddy, that line was moving too slow. I just had to do cutsies.

Cut... Why you son of a... [Buck jumps on the bed and he and Ray Roy start fighting]

Hank

[overhears them in the hall] Oh No.

[She's cheering on Buck and Ray Roy as they're fighting] Yeah. Yeah. Woo hoo.

[Buck is choking Ray Roy] Ow. [Ray Roy then throws him to the ground]

Hank

[Hank walks into the room. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!

Oh, Hank, we were just letting off a little steam.

Hank

I have tried with all my might to save you from yourself, Mr. Strickland. Well, not anymore. You're on your own. You should be ashamed of yourselves. And that includes you, Ms. Scovall. You have not honored propane.

He's right. I should be ashamed of myself. But I never am.

We're here to honor one of the giants of Texas propane, Mr. Buck Strickland. To introduce Mr. Strickland, his right-hand man, Hank Hill.

Hank

(Hank walks onto the stage drunk and knocks down the emcee) I'm not gonna say... Hell, I am gonna say what I have been wanting to say. Buck Strickland is a monster, a drunk monster. Buck Strickland is nothing but a lecherous, disgusting bastard-making bastard. (slurred gibberish) And now, I'm going to vomit. (he vomits on a guest's head)

Mr. Hill, your guilt hardly seems to be an issue. So we can move right on to the punishment phase, which, as a preview, will be severe.

Hank Hill

Indeed sir, I cannot begin to say how sorry I am.

Hello? Buck? Well, we are in the middle of a hearing...Like the one in 1984? Consortium members perk up OK then! hangs up Gentlemen, that was Buck Strickland. His "hospitality suite" is open.

Like the one in 84?

Mr. Hill, the board needs to adjourn to...uh, caucus about your case. You stay put.

Hank Hill

I will not move a muscle.

I am in my third term as President of the Propane Gas Consortium. Prostitute giggles

Peggy

All propane men make mistakes sometimes, including your husbands.

Well, now that everyone's got a pretty girl on his lap, I would like to discuss leniency for my employee, Hank Hill.

Setup! Everybody run!

Ray Roy, lock the door.

Now, you are all reasonable men. I think surely you can find forgiveness in your heart for old Hank, and it would be good to do it before your wives get here.

You win, Buck.

Get their hair done.

Mr. Hill, we had a chance to go over the case with your employer, Buck Strickland. He convinced us that while your actions last night were wrong; you are contrite about it, and that your actions over the past twenty years more than atone for it. He was very persuasive. As a result, the board has unanimously approved Mr. Strickland's nomination for membership in the Propane Hall of Flame.

Hank Hill

I am in the Hall of Flame too?

Congratulations, Hank.

Hank Hill

Thank you!

No, thank you, Ol' Top. All of propane owed you a debt.

Hank Hill

Hello.

Bobby Hill

Hello? That's all you got? Just what the heck is going on?

Hank Hill

What do you mean? We're finishing dinner. We'll be there to pick you up at 9:00.

Bobby Hill

Oh, really? Well, you might want to check your watch, buddy boy. It's 10:30!

Hank Hill

(realizes the watch was 10:30) Oh, my God. Peggy, it's 10:30!

Peggy Hill

(Gasps) Where's Bobby?

Hank Hill

Bobby, where are you?

Bobby Hill

I'm at the Get In, Get Out. I hope you're happy. I'm just prostitutes by panty hose!

Hank Hill

He's at the Get In, Get Out! (Peggy gasps and runs out to the emergency door.)

Hank

(sighs) I need you to talk to you about coach...

Bill

(on the phone) Shh, shh. No, no, no! You listen to me, you will double the salt or you will find a new place to peddle your sunflower seeds! Goodbye! (hang up phone) Hello, sir. May I help you?

Hank

I came here to help with practice, but Bradford won't let me on the field. All I want to do is just watch my son play baseball.

Bill

Really? Last I heard you wanted to see him quit baseball.

Hank

Watch it, Bill. I'm just looking for an ass to kick.

Bill

(sighs) I'll give it to you straight, Hank. You're seen as a negative influence around here, or anyone lets you on the baseball field, you're going to have to prove yourself, show your commitment to the league.

Hank

Dang it, Bill, how am I supposed to do that?

Dale

Hello, Hank! I'll have a cheeseburger; hold the lettuce, pickles, cheese and instead of special sauce; I'd like very special sauce.

Hank

Dang it, Dale! Move!

Bill

You think it's unfair, Hank? Just be glad I'm allowing you contact with Bobby at all.

Hank

[angers throws beer can] Okay, that does it! I have had it with you! Now do you have somewhere to be? 'Cause I'd liked to know what direction I should kick your ass in!

Peggy

Abb Shalab to you, Muhammad. Abb shal al hab.

... I'm sorry, sir, I think your wife is having an attack.

Hank

She's speaking Arabic to you.

Peggy

And what do you speak, Muhammad? Do you speak Pashtun? Farsi? I know a few words in those as well.

No, I speak Arabic, but perhaps another dialect. I grew up in Saudi Arabia.

Hank

Well we were just in Saudi Arabia. I was the assistant manager in charge of Arabian propane, and Arabian propane accessories for the Aramco.

Peggy

Everyone there understood my perfect Arabic perfectly.