Hank Rutherford Hill quotes from King of the Hill

Hank

You were gone all afternoon and you only walked half a mile?

Bobby

Maybe when it gets to two miles, it flips over.

Hank

Dang it, Bill, why won't you reason to reason? All right, Dale. Help him.

Dale

Wait. Is this a trick?

Hank

Nope. Let 'er rip. Just keep it clean.

Dale

Bill!! Bill, you have to be the stupidest man on the planet to think this is a good idea! Have you seen what you're wearing?! That outfit makes you look like a sequined train wreck! Look at you!! You're part of a twelve-headed jackass! This chorus is the feces that is produced when shame eats too much stupidity! You people make me envy the deaf and the blind! UNDERWEAR... MONEY... FAT...! [hunches over exhausted]

Hank

I still can't believe Bobby cheated on his paper route. I don't even know know how to punish that.

Peggy

Well, the pressures of journalism can be very intense, even I have felt it. But today, I really knocked one out of the park.

Hank

Well, good for you, what's the hint?

Peggy

Okay, get this. I combined two common items in a powerful new way. I told my readers to harness the cleaning power of ammonia with the whitening power of bleach.

Hank

Ammonia and bleach? You told people to mix ammonia and bleach?

Peggy

Only if they want bathroom fixtures that shine like the sun.

Hank

Peggy, that's the recipe for mustard gas! Arlen will be covered with a cloud of poison!

Peggy

BWAH!

Hank

Got-dang it! Kahn, that does it! I'm gonna kick your ass!

Hank Hill

You need to learn how to treat customers with respect and stop calling me a dang monkey!

ACK! Mr. Strickland, help me!

Damn it Hank, what the hell is your problem? Leave him alone!

Hank

I am sorry sir, but I cannot take this any more. I left Jeans West to work for one of the most admired businessmen in Heimlich County. Not for some lazy idiot who does not know what he is doing.

If I do not know what I am doing, how come I am one who mortgaged his house to buy this place? How come you are working for me?

Hank

Not any more I am not.

Hank, I hope you know that Scrubby's is part of the Strickland family. You quit this, you are quitting Strickland.

Hank

If you say so, sir.

Who need him? He not know how to double up on dreams. That is my secret to success.

Not bad. But I got my own little success secret: never kill the golden goose. Kahn, a business thrives on customer relations and back-breaking hard work, and that's the guy who gives it to you. Hank is the golden goose.

Hank

OK, break it up you two. Arlen General cannot two bypasses at once.

Buck, the Tuetils are demanding their appearance fee.

Hank

I am going to field this one, Buck, just sit down and relax.

Can you please keep it brief Hank? I am expecting a call about a job interview.

Bobby

Dad I need new jeans. $100 ought to cover it.

Hank

What is wrong with the trousers you have? Did you make cut-offs again?

Bobby

No Dad, I am trying to fit in at school. This is what the in-crowd wears.

Hank

No way I am spending $100 for some asinine jeans that look like someone is too lazy to break them in.

Bobby

So that is it? I do not have a say in what I get to wear.

Hank

Not when I am paying for it.

Hank

I wouldn't do that. if I were you, I would get out of here right now.

Or... Or what? You'll tell my mom? (boys laughs)

Hank

No, I'll kick your ass up one side of the street and down the other.

No whammies! No whammies! No whammies!

Hank

[groans] Game show network.

Dale

[seeing the snake is inside the toilet] Welp, it's in the toilet. Too late!

Hank

No, it's not!

Bobby Hill

(wrapped around in guitar spinning by a ZZ Top guy) Do It Again, Do it again!

Hank Hill

Stop spinning my son!

Hank Hill

Eh, what is this?

Peggy Hill

Song of Solomon.

Hank Hill

Isn't that a little PG-13 for church?

TASTE THE MEAT, AND THE HEAT!

Hank Hill

Oh god I just stabbed a parking attendant! Where's the button to turn myself in?!

Hank

Hey Bobby. How was the surf today? Did Boomhauer do his famous flamingo? That's when he stands on one leg, that's not easy to do, even on the ground.

Bobby

No, all he did was fall flat on his face and embarrass himself, and us by association, we didn't even get to ride the wave.

Hank

Boomhauer was embarrassed? I don't know what the heck's going on here but someone needs to get their asses kicked.

Bobby

Finally. Yes. Thank you. It's time to kick their local asses!

Hank

Bobby, language. But, yes. I am going to kick their asses.

Hank

[Presses his tongs into the steak cooking on the grill] Firm but with a little give. Yup, these are medium-rare.

Bobby

What if somebody wants theirs well-done?

Hank

We ask them politely, yet firmly, to leave.

Hank

But I thought you'd be proud.

We're not.