Can I offer you a nice egg in this trying time?
S7 E1Frank's Pretty Woman
RRoxy
Ew, I like this jacket is awesome, and it's tighter than dick skin, man.
Come on, Roxy. We're in a classy place with classy clothes for classy people. Don't talk about dick skin.
JJerry
Um, hi. Can I help you?
No thanks, we're just trying some stuff on.
JJerry
Well, you are aware that jacket is 500 dollars, right?
Are you implying we can't afford that?
JJerry
Can you?
That's none of your business.
JJerry
Umm, it's exactly my business.
RRoxy
Hey, screw your dick skin jacket. [pours vodka on the jacket]
DSDee and Salesman
No! No! No!
RRoxy
How you like me now, gay boy?
Oh, don't call him gay. It'd be one thing if he wasn't, but he clearly is, so--
MManager
Is there a problem here?
RRoxy
Yeah, I'm trying to buy this jacket and this asshole here is giving me shit.
MManager
You are aware of the price?
RRoxy
Well, I have money. [Pulls out a giant wad of cash]
MManager
Jerry, can I speak with you in my office?
JJerry
You have got to be kidding me!
Boom! Face Jerry! Face! Sorry about the gay stuff though. That did cross the line.
S7 E2The Gang goes to Jersey Shore
"Yeah, me too. I would love to go on a vacation."
"Yeah but not to the Jersey Shore though. That place sounds like a nightmare."
" What's wrong with the Jersey Shore?"
"Come on, you've seen that TV show. It's just a bunch of sweaty Guidos getting hopped up on energy drinks and giving each other diseases."
Hoooooolllllyyyy Shhhittt! Is that the ocean?
Yeah buddy that's the ocean.
What's on the other side of it there?
Europe
Now how long would it take....
Do not try to swim to Europe.
Don't swim to Europe.
Whoa! What's that? You were supposed to get booze!
This is Ham... *soaked* in Rum. It's Loaded with booze.
Goddamn it Frank, eating your drinks? That is genius!
Hey, warm sun, cool ocean breezes, getting rip sh*t on ham.
Wouldn't you say we're getting... Hammered?
"As a man who works very hard to maintain a certain level of physical excellence... I find shortcuts insulting. Now give me a piece of ham now!"
(Charlie, Dennis and Sweet Dee have just run into two homeless men having anal sex under the boardwalk, just as Dennis has been telling Charlie about the romanticism of the Boardwalk.)
Charlie (disgusted): NO! NO! NO! NO! WHAT WAS THAT?!
A couple of homeless guys banging each other!
I know that, but why?! That's not magical! That's not romantic!
Wait a minute, wait a minute! where's the rum ham?!
[Pointing to the ham floating away] Ah.
Ahhhhh! I'm sorry, rum ham! I'm sorry.,.rum ham.
[Pointing to women sitting across from them] Like, what's her story? She's got a decent bone structure. She was probably very pretty when she was young. Probably spent her summers here lounging on the beach and scooping ice cream.
But she didn't want her summers to end, so she got herself a fake ID and a push-up bra and started hanging out at the local bars.
Yep. Developed a nasty coke habit 'cause she loved the way it made her feel. Extreme highs gave way to extreme lows and she fell into a depression.
Had herself a kid. Thought it would give her a sense of purpose. And it did for a while, until she started using again.
Mm-hmm. Then social services came knocking on the door, and now the kid lives upstate with his grandparents 'cause she can't take care of this kid. And here she is, festering away in a one-bedroom apartment, waiting for the HIV to turn into AIDS. And wondering what the hell...
WWomen
You know I can hear you, right?
Oh sorry, we were just using you as a metaphor though. We didn't mean anything personal.
WWomen
Don't sweat it. You're not that far off.
S7 E3Frank Reynolds' Little Beauties
We gotta write a song about how we do not diddle kids! (singing) "Do not diddle kids! It's no good diddling kids!"
Mac (annoyed): There is no quicker way for people to think that you're diddling kids than by writing a song about it!
You gotta write a song like:
I wouldn't do it with anyone younger than my daughter, no little kids, gotta be big, older than my wife, older than my wife, something like that... (Charlie looks at Mac, as if to say, "Should I? 'Cause I have an idea...")
Mac (annoyed): Don't write a song about that.
[Frank backstage with mortician]
I can't figure this tie out here. [microphone feedback]
[over speakers] I got...I got a question about you morticians. You bang the dead bodies?
MMortician
Mm...no.
Imagine stuff like that goes on all time, right? [chuckles] I mean, I don't give a shit. If I was dead, you could bang me all you want. Who cares? [audience gasps] Dead body's like a piece of trash. I mean, shove as much shit in there as you want.
Turn his mic down.
I'm trying! I don't know! I don't know how!
You don't know how?
I don't know which one it is!
...fill me up with cream. Turn me into cannoli...
What's going on, you idiot?
[Indistinct talking]
...make a stew out of my ass. What's the big deal? Bang me, eat me, grind me up into little pieces, throw me in the river. Who gives a shit? You're dead, you're dead. Oh! Ooh, shit. Is my mic on?
Oh, God.
[Frank rushes back to the stage]
[chuckles] Oh! Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. [audience jeering] That was a mistake. The janitor got a hold of the P.A. system. Puerto Rican guy. [audience murmuring]
S7 E4Sweet Dee Gets Audited
IEIRS Employee
Well, if you had opened up the letters, you would understand that you're being audited.
Audited? Why? What are you talking about? I'm not scamming the government, if that's what you're saying.
IEIRS Employee
Your license plate says "$CAMMIN".
Uh, no.
IEIRS Employee
What do you mean no?
Yes.
Okay, let's talk about the limes, guys.
We'll keep emotion out of it.
Reason will prevail.
Reason will prevail!
[simultaneously] Reason will prevail!
I think the limes should be cut a bit thinner.
What the hell! Thin limes?! People will choke! People will die!
Charlie, Charlie, take emotion out of it--
Charlie's got a point! One of the cornerstones of Paddy's Pub is thick limes!
Yeah, don’t tell me-
I AM GONNA PUT MY THUMB THROUGH YOUR EYE, YOU LITTLE BITCH!!!!!
No, no, shhh. Stay calm, stay--hey, hey, hey. Look at me. Look at me. Stay calm with me, okay? Be unemotional. Let's--let's be democratic. Let’s put this thing to a vote.
A vote?
A vote solves everything in a democracy, does it not?
...Yes.
So, all for thinner limes, raise your hands. [Mac and Dennis raise hands] And all for thicker limes, raise your hands. [Frank and Charlie raise hands] Now there you go. That's a democracy in action. That's two votes against two votes. A perfect example of when democracy...has failed.
But I am gonna need a business card, 'cause I want to be able to hand that shit to people so they know that I am in a place of power.
It's not important.
It's important to me, Frank! And I know that what's important to you is money and power, but I don't want real power. Because with real power comes real responsibility, and I don't want any of that shit. I just want the money, and the illusion of power. And puss.
What?
Hell, I don't know, Frank. I don't know, man.
What? Tell me, tell me.
I need something. I mean, I got this, uh...this giant, gaping hole inside me. Oh, and I'm--I'm always trying to fill it with something. I like to call it my, uh, my God hole. And I think a lot of people in this world, they--they fill it with religion. But I don't believe in God.
But you want to fill it with pussy.
Yeah.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.