Wolf Cola, everyone. It's the right cola...for closure.
S7 E4Sweet Dee Gets Audited
See, you've all been trying to convince the IRS that Dee's baby is alive. What you really need to be doing is convincing the IRS that Dee's baby is dead.
[Cut to a funeral for Dee's fake dead baby with bagpipes playing "Amazing Grace"]
This is dark.
Darkest thing we've ever done.
S7 E5Frank's Brother
You did not want to be caught out in the street in those days with a Negress. They'd tear you apart.
A Negress?
What? Whatever the proper word was.
Well, it's not that.
The point is, we opened the club, and we named it after our star attraction.
GOGuy on the street
Shady-nasty's?
Sha-dynasty's, asshole.
S7 E6The Storm of the Century
We're gonna call it a hurricane party. It's gonna be cool. It's gonna be awesome, yeah.
W1Women #1
What's a hurricane party?
A hurricane party's exactly what it sounds like. It's a party during a hurricane at our bar, Paddy's Pub.
W2Women #2
Oh, I've heard of that bar.
Yeah?
[Charlie appears next to Dennis wearing fishing gear and pushing a cart]
Hey! [laughs] Hello! All right, all right! Hi! Crazy, crazy weather coming our way!
DTDennis & The Two Women
Yeah.
You trying to get these girls down to the bunker or...?
Oh, no, I'm inviting them back to our very cool bar we own.
Oh, cool, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we got a sweet bunker, too. Yeah, well...it's like so secure, people can't get in or out if we don't want 'em to. We'll be like totally safe down there. I got a bunch of supplies. You guys like pickled eggs? Sardines, too...
[nervous laughter] Yeah, we got a bunch of other, you know, normal food and normal stuff there, too. Yeah. Yeah, it's a great bar. Gonna be free drinks for everybody, so you know, you'll come, you'll party with us, and you can bring your girlfriends too, you know? [laughing] We don't want just the two of you. You got to bring your girlfriends. That's a requirement.
W1Women #1
Sounds like fun. Can our boyfriends come too?
Oh. Your boyfriends?
W2Women #2
Yeah, our boyfriends.
You two have boyfriends? How did you not know...that the reason I invited you back to my bar...was to bang you? Get out of here! Get the hell out of here! Get--get out of here! Shoo away from me!
W1Women #1
You're a dick.
You're a dick! [turns to Charlie] She's a...I'm not a dick.
You think girls are gonna want to come back to a bar with a man dressed the way you're dressed and carrying a hatchet?
Yeah. They're gonna be like, "Look at this sweet dude, his awesome gear and his awesome hatchet. He's prepared, he's ready for anything. Storm coming? Hatchet coming."
S7 E7Chardee MacDennis: The Game of Games
[reading a question] "Dennis is asshole. Why Charlie hate"?
I don't think I wrote that.
You definitely wrote this one, Charlie. Who else would have written this?
I'm not remembering that. I don't think I wrote that one.
Of course you did. How many other illiterates are in the-- Just throw out a guess.
Pass.
No!
DDDennis & Dee
Pass, pass?
MFMac & Frank
No, he didn't pass, he didn't pass.
Just throw out a guess. Any guess, come on.
Pass.
Son of a bitch! All right, chance to steal.
[eagerly] Because Dennis is a bastard man!
That's what it is. I definitely wrote that.
[Frank in a dog kennel]
Put my cage on the bar so I can see.
[splashes beer in his face] Shut up, dog!
Last time we played, Dee got "Emotional Battery". We berated that bitch for like two straight hours.
I mean, really personal stuff. Way over the line. The kind of stuff that cuts you to the core, you know.
She held it together without a single tear.
Dude, when her two minutes were up, she cried for a month straight.
Yeah, it was really sad. Every day, crying all day long. She talked about taking too many pills.
I think she tried to kill herself.
She did, she did. I saw it, but I didn't tell you about it.
Goddamn it, Dee! Your back is so boney and crooked and all over the place, I can't get a flat surface!
S7 E8The ANTI-Social Network
We have to blow the sign off of the building-- you know, maybe I'll do the blowing. That's fine.
Charlie, Charlie, stop, stop, stop, stop. Do you think a human being can blow a sign off of a building?
I didn't until Mac said it.
I never said that.
A man cannot blow a sign off of a building.
In Charlie's defense, you could loosen the screws, get up there and blow...
We are talking about the internet. You are derailing the conversation.
LLarson
Mr. Reynolds, Mr. Kelly, I'm detective Larson. I'm gonna need to clear something up on your report here.
It doesn't...yeah, we're good.
LLarson
It says here this was filed as an assault, but the only thing that you're claiming was that...this man shushed you?
Yeah, but...it was an assault.
LLarson
Shushing somebody is not an assault.
There was more to it than...
He--yeah, it wasn't just shushing though.
Yeah!
And the reason it was an assault was because he was shushing our cries for help.
Right! This guy was raping us.
W--wha--?
LLarson
He was raping you?
Well, yeah--yep.
DDetective
The both of you?
No! No, no, no, no...
[snort] You can't rape two guys, it's the--
I wouldn't even necessarily classify it--
You know, what happened was that he only raped my friend here. I actually shook him off in time, the guy never quite made it inside of me, but my friend here...yeah.
LLarson
So he was only raping you?
Yep.
Yeah, yeah. He, like, really kinda made soup of your insides.
No, no, no. He barely--he barely made it in there, so trust me, I'm fine.
Yeah, but he bit his dick.
Not--what?! No, he did--he--the reason we were going to file as a--a rape was because the--he did make it inside me, but like, just barely, and the guy was super-small, so I'm fine! And then I did get away. [Larson begins taking notes] Well, don't--don't write any of this down! Y--look, can we just drop the case?
Yeah! We don't need to--
Right? We just need the drawing.
I didn't even think about that, because if we had the drawing, we can find the guy. We can dole out the justice.
And then this never needs to go in any files, anywhere!
[on video] So spread this video to all of your friends, because it's a computer virus. Take it from me. I am a doctor. Dr. Toboggan. Mantis Toboggan.
S7 E9The Gang Gets Trapped
Okay, I cannot see the driver's face, but the subject appears to have pointed feet of some kind. Okay, I'm repeating here. He has pointed feet, so careful now.
[on walkie talkie] What does that mean? What does that mean?
He's wearing cowboy boots.
Deandra, your breath is dog shit.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.