If we want to make money, we need to honor ancient Irish traditions, like serving an irresponsible amount of booze to people who are genetically pre-disposed to having alcohol problems. You see, Saint Patrick started that tradition, and that's why we celebrate him today.
Yea- no! That's not what he did! No, he-he played the flute for some kids, and then he lured them into a cave somewhere and he diddled them.
FrankNah, you got him mixed up with the Pied Piper.
Frank
Saint Patrick didn't play the flute. He drove the kids out of Ireland... and then he molested them.
No, no, if- if Saint Patrick molested kids, he would be regarded as a scoundrel.
No, no, no. I feel like, in the olden days of the Catholic Church, pedophiles were regarded as heroes.
Welcome to my first ever dinner party! I'm gonna have lots of these types of functions in the future - y'know, with my new lifestyle.
Wow, you're really just diving right into that, huh? Stereotypes and all.
Guys, we're gonna have an imaginary meal! I read about this. Yes, if you truly believe it, then it will make you full.
Frank
Can I have a broad with me, with big tits?
No, because that's gonna force us to imagine stuff we don't want to imagine.
(kicking) Get out of here! Go on, get out of here!
Kick in his skull! We do not allow dogs in our house, right, Dennis?
Wh- our house? Why is it our house-
Okay, now let's get started. Let me set the scene: the food. The menu!
Paint a nice picture for us, alright? I'm starving!
Alright, we're gonna start with, like, a big hunk of chicken. Y'know, like... boiled and skinless, or whatever.
Frank
Huh.
And then, um, you're gonna want brown with the white, right? So like, maybe, like... some brown rice? No, no butters or seasoning.
Frank
I want mashed potatoes.
No! No mashed potatoes, that's just empty carbs.
Why can't we just imagine whatever we want?
Because this is my dinner party!
Well, then take us there!
Alright! Okay, everyone's got something to drink.
Frank
Is it a milkshake?
No, not milkshakes... Gatorade. And it's gonna be my favorite flavor: blue.
Frank
"Blue" is not a flavor. How am I gonna taste blue?
Well, just imagine what blue tastes like!
Yeah, can we eat? Alright.
(They pretend to eat)
That's kind of tough. D- did you overcook this?
No, I didn't cook it at all.
Y- y-?! (spits out) Spit it out! It's raw, you're going to get sick! Spit it out!
No, no, don't spit it out! What are you guys doing, you don't need to spit it out! For the love of G- just imagine that it tastes good, okay? Look at Dennis, see?
Oh, I'm not imagining your meal. No, I'm imagining a lovely coq au vin... braised with lardons and mushrooms.
Frank
I want that!
Well, then have it! It's right in front of you, as is your buxom date, Frank.
Frank
Ah, come here baby-
Hey, heeeeeey, she got her foot in my raw chicken! Get your hooker's foot out of my chicken, dude!
[Dennis spots Charlie and Mac in his new Range Rover]
The cops, the parents - they're all after us!
How'd you get a Range Rover?! Just- get in, get in!
Oh man, we did a bad thing!
Just get out of here, man! Go, go, go! We did a bad thing, dude! I think I killed a kid!
He did, I saw him. I think the kid's dead.
Shh, shh, shh... doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.
[Dennis drives to an accident site with Frank and Dee standing by it]
Hey! Hey, Dee, Frank, what's up?
Frank
We almost got T-boned by an Asian. It was totally my fault; she did everything by the book. Very surprising.
[They get in]
Frank
Also, Dee banged a kid.
No, no, I was trying to cuck a bit-!
Shhhh, shh, shh, shh. It doesn't matter. It's okay. You're in the Range Rover now. All is well.
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia · 514 quotes
