Dee[Sigh]
What's wrong, Dee? Oh, nothing. Let me guess-- boyfriend troubles? This guy doesn't know what he's got. He's really ugly, too.
GAGuy at the bar
I'm sorry, are you talking to me?
Yeah. I said her boyfriend's ugly. Pay attention, bozo.
Dee
Okay, he's not ugly, all right? That wouldn't make any sense. That's-that... He's not ugly.
Dude's a total tool, too.
Dee
You know what he's not? He's not covered in stupid tattoos and he doesn't have a cigarette for a mother.
[Chokes Dee] What?! Don't talk shit about my mom!
All right, I'm sold. I'm in.
Of course you're buying it, because you're as big of an idiot as she is. You're getting scammed, Dee!
Dee
It's not a scam!
You walked into a room that you could have walked out of with a free set of golf clubs, but instead you got got.
Hey, I say we get ourselves a new pair of golf clubs, huh?
Yeah, well, we won't get got though. We gonna get. See, Dee, people like us, we don't get got. We go get.
That's right. You won't see us getting scammed.
Oh, wow! Oh, there's a man standing on the bridge.
What?! Yes, he looks like...Look at that.
No, we don't know his name.
Dee
His name is Rudy, I believe, you guys.
That's what it was-- Rudy.
We don't know what his name is, and that's okay, but we don't know each other. Hi. How are you? Nice to meet you.
Oh, hi, hi, but it looks like he may commit suicide. Suicide is badass.
Y'know, I don't know about you guys, and I don't know why this is happening, but I actually feel a lot better.
You look better. You guys all look bett- I'm actually feeling better, too.
Dee
I feel great.
How is that even possible? All we've been doing is sitting here and drinking, how could we have gotten better so quickly?
Dee
Oh my god, you guys... you guys, we haven't been drinking since we quarantined ourselves in the bar. At least, since we got stuck in the bathroom.
Wait, wait, wait, so what are you saying? That... we'd never had the flu, we were just having alcohol withdrawl?
Dee
Yeah.
Alcohol withdrawls? That's great!
Dee
Is is great? That means we're all alcoholics!
Mmm, right... well, what do we do with that information?
What do you do with any information? You just stuff it deep down inside, and - keep an eye on it.
Dee
You keep it.
I'm certainly not going to stop drinking.
I mean, I physically can't!
Nah, nah, nah, not at this point. We're in- we're in too deep.
We're just kids having fun, right?
Dee
I even have my own system. The DEE system. Do them. Establish low rating. Increase power.
"Increase" is spelled with an "I."
Dee
Okay, well, then, uh... Infuriate them when they find out...
Dee
Empower. It doesn't... the word doesn't matter. It's-it's the system... ah, I don't care about you.
What the hell is this? Why are there chickens everywhere?
No time to explain it to you, you wouldn't get it anyway.
Look, it's a new sign, okay? "Carmine's: a Place for Steaks".
What- no! I can't have you put that sign up, the health inspector's coming, like, any minute.
So wha-? So we're not Carmine's! Look, I can't have them see the sign.
Who gives a shit? We always get a passing grade.
Yeah, we get a passing grade because I bust my ass to make sure that happens! Okay, and we don't pretend we're a restaurant! Look, this is fucking crazy, no signs!
No, we're using the sign, because the sign's a big part of the plan.
What is the plan?! What is happening?!
Charlie, we found a loophole in the system.
Dee
Yeah, it's a closing loophole, it involves airline miles and points.
You're doing a chicken and airline miles scam today?!
Look, it is a great plan, okay? We do not have a ton of time to explain it to you, we're busy.
Okay, fine, whatever, I get it. I get it.
It's a good plan, Charlie.
Frank, Jesus Christ, man! Where are your shoes?!
I lost 'em in the bathroom.
Okay. Dee, get the joke stool in the basement, all right? Can't have it out.
Dee
What? No way. It's hilarious.
It's not hilarious, it's just a stool with a nail sticking out of it.
Dee
Yeah, and when it pokes their butts, they scream, 'cause they just got a nail right in the butt. I... you- you don't understand comedy at all.
You don't understand comedy! That's not a joke, it's a lawsuit! Just put it in the basement, okay?
Excuse me, with all due respect, Charlie, you don't even know what the goddamn plan is.
Okay, okay, with all due respect to you, I think I understand it fully, okay? You guys used Frank's credit card, you bought a bunch of airline miles. You used those airline miles to purchase 400 steaks. Knowing that this delivery company delivered all variety of animal products, your plan was to contaminate the steaks with chicken feathers by rubbing live chickens all over them. Then you were gonna repackage the steaks, at which point, you were gonna return the contaminated steaks for actual cash, taking advantage of a loophole in the current airline miles system, correct?
That was the plan, but I mean... you know, we basically had already explained it to you, so...
Right, but what you didn't plan for was a hungry delivery guy who'd driven here all the way from Ohio, or that Dee's oversized fingers could've accidentally pressed "zero" again when she ordered the steaks online - I'm assuming you did the typing, Dee, yes?
Dee
...Goddamn it.
But none of this matters to me, okay? Because today is inspection day. A day that I pride myself on, a day that I've never failed on, and I don't plan to begin failing now! So listen to me, and listen close like you've never done before: we are going to pull this thing off, so help... me... god.
Dee
Oh, no, he wants a turkey burger.
Dee
I don't know. I offered it to him.
Dee
You said pretend we're a restaurant--he looked like a turkey burger kind of guy.
He looks like a turkey burger kind of guy?! Oh, my God, Dee, just put it on the furnace, okay, cook it up. Tell him you got the order wrong, just tell him you got the thing wrong. Oh, my God, what a stupid bitch. What a stupid bitch she is.
I- I used to be a cool guy, right, with a cool car hanging out all the time, and now I'm a- what am I? I'm a chauffeur to a bunch of worm-sucking idiots!
You?! What about me? I used to be a party boy who banged chicks all the time. You guys remember? But no-one was ever good enough for you, dude. So I got self-conscious and I stopped - because of you, I changed who I am at my core.
Mac, Mac, that is not what happened, okay? You are completely delusional. I mean- by the way, all of us have become so goddamn weird.
I think we're just hitting our stride.
Oh, you think we're "hitting our stride," Frank?
Really? 'Cause Dee's in a goddamn costume every other day! As a matter of fact, we all are; I think we have more costumes in the bar than we do kegs! I mean- wha- what if I said I wanted to become a man-cheetah right now? What would you do?
He's got spots! Why do you have spots- you shouldn't have spots! That's absurd, man. That's absurd... you know what? I actually- I blame you for most of this.
Yeah, because you came in here with your endless goddamn supply of money and financed all this bizarre behavior!
You were plenty weird before me. What about the underage drinking scheme? I wasn't even here for that.
But that made sense, Frank. It worked!
You know what? I gotta get away from you people, that's what it is. I-I- I fly off the handle every five seconds now.
You know what? I gotta get away from you people, you're all insane! I'm storming out!
Wha- don't copy me! I'm the one who's angry- GODDAMN IT!
You don't storm out on me, I storm out on you!
I'M THE ONE WHO STORMS OUT, I'M THE ONE WHO- Oh, OH, OH, yeah, no. Okay, you know what, that's fine. Storm out. Get angry. You guys be that guy, 'cause I'm not gonna be that guy anymore. I'm not gonna get angry and shit, I'm gonna cool off. I'm gonna go back to being what I was before: a cool guy who just hangs out and has a cool car. So, I'm not gonna storm out, but I am gonna leave. I'm gonna... leave casually.
[Charlie and Dee are alone in the bar]
...You want to get lunch?
Dee
Sure.
It's like- sometimes those guys make me do things that aren't really me, you know?
Dee
Yeah.
Like, okay, like- I kind of feel compelled to call you a bird right now and throw my glass of water in your face...
Dee
Right-
...But, uh, I'm realizing that I only do that stuff 'cause I don't want the guys to do it to me first, you know what I mean?
Dee
Of course I do. You know what I was about to do? Pretend that I had to go to the bathroom, and then I was gonna sneak out the window and just get out of here, 'cause I was afraid you were gonna do that to me first.
Dee
Isn't that weird?
Dee
Oh...
But again, I think it was only- 'cause, like, that's what the guys would have done, and-
Dee
It's the peer pressure thing from those guys.
Yeah, right. Okay, well, forget the guys today. Right? They're not here, so, um... what do you want to do?
Dee
Uhhhh, let's see... I'd like to order my food in a German accent.
Right, right, okay, cool. Why?
Dee
I guess that's just, eh... I put all these expectations on myself to be funny all the time? You know, 'cause that's what people have come to expect from me, but that's not fair. It's too much pressure for me.
Yeah, right. No, I don't think anyone expects that at all.
Dee
Well, what about you? What do you want to do?
Okay! Well, I would like to get a chicken sandwich, but uh... I think I want to get the beak on the side? Frank's always making me eat it first, and... frankly, I'd rather eat it last, if I'm gonna have to eat it at all.
Dee
Ooh, I can help you here: instead of eating it last, you don't have to eat beak at all.
WWaitress
Ready to order?
Dee
Ja, vell, I vould like ze... (Charlie shakes his head) I'm sorry, I would... like a chicken sandwich, please.
Dee
No-
Dee
No.
...rrREGular chicken sandwich.
Dee
That's all for him.
Dee
...You did it! You did it.
God, I really wanted to say it!
Dee
I saw that you wanted to say it.
Yeah, yeah! Well, alright, this is good!
Dee
This is great. I'm very proud of you.
Look at us! Yeah... no beak.
Hey, listen, I want things to go back to normal, okay? I don't like the way things have become, and I want them to go back to the way they were-
Listen up! I want things to go back to normal! I don't like the way things are going, I want them to go back to normal.
What the hell are you doing, man?
I was storming in- what are you, a man-cheetah?
Alright, good. I can't do this anymore, that last crew sucked on ice!
Okay, look, I like the man-cheetah thing, I want to go back to doing shit like this. Are you guys on board? I want to go back to the way things were.
Dee
Definitely want things to be normal again.
We should go back in time.
Dee
Can we go back a lot?
Okay, did you bomb and fail and bomb just like I knew you would?
Oh, yes. Yeah, that's all that happened, and nothing else happened other than that.
Dee
There was a poetry thing, it was bad.
There was a poetry thing, and SHUT UP, BIRD!
Dee
You shut up, you can't read!
[Everyone desperately laughs]
Just need you to name an animal that we eat but doesn't eat us.
Doesn't eat us-- that's easy. Dragon!
Charlie, do you eat dragon?
No! I don't eat dragon 'cause, uh, it's-it's not a meal for peasants, it's a meal for kings, and I'm sort of a common man. But they don't eat us; they, uh, it's like a misconception. They actually eat gold and treasure. That's why they're always sitting on a big pile of it.
DMDee, Mac, and Dennis
Bad answer. Bad answer. Bad answer. That's a bad answer.
Well, astonishingly, uh, one person surveyed gave the answer dragon, so... What a world!
I'm sorry, can I ask: how do you play with a goddamn hole?
First, we just started, like, throwing things down it and then we never heard it land. It would just kind of rattle around down there.
Then we got a flashlight to see if we could see the bottom - we couldn't. Then I threw it down there! Y'know, to prove a point.
Dee
It was something to do with how metal... travels faster than light? Or-
No, it was that light is either on or off, there's no speed to light. It's- it was an anti-science thing.
Dee
This hole, it's very exciting, Dennis. I mean, it represents infinite possibilities, it's endless.
What if there's, like, a mutant living down there? We can get him up and he can live in the bar with us!
We've already got one mutant hanging out with us in the bar all the time. (laughs at Frank) Hey, Frank, did you hear what I said? I turned a frustrating conversation into a joke on you.
...Frank, what do you think about this hole? Pretty cool, huh? You want to do something with it?
No, I don't. In fact, something just dawned on me: I need to quit.
Wha-what? What're- What're you talking about?
I don't care anything about this hole. I-I'm passionless.
What are you saying, Frank?
I hereby officially retire from Paddy's Pub.
[Frank leaves. After a few seconds, the Gang starts cheering]
Look, I'm just trying to come up with a system. We gotta have a system here, y'know?
Wait, wait, wait, we do have a system for this! Paddy's Succession Plan, remember?
Oh shit, right. Yes, right! Paddy's Succession Plan! It was, like, a will we drew up to determine who would get each one of our shares in the very likely event of our untimely deaths.
We drank, like, three bottles of tequila and then we started talking about our legacy and how important that was to us-
Dee
Oh, here we go. On a paper plate, huh?
Dee
"Paddy's Succession Plan - Paddy's Pub shall secure our legacy here, henceforth and forevermore, throughout the birthright of our firstborn kin." Who hit the pen here?
It makes sense, don't be a bitch- what it means is, every one of our shares gets passed down to our firstborn.
Right! Right, our firstborn!
Dee
The shares get passed down to the firstborn kin? We are the firstborn kin of Frank!
Well, hang on! That's not, like, an official document!
Dee
Uh, well, you signed it in your blood.
Oh. There it is: "Chrundle", written in blood.
Oh, yeah. I was going by Chrundle at the time, wasn't I-
Nope. No, you were trying to write Charlie, and you wrote Chrundle.
No, I was going by Chrundle the Great.
You came up with that after you miswrote it.
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia · 514 quotes
